i'm_ashamed Sonya the sullen feline of being human. Here I sit typing words that probably won't mean a damn thing to anyone except myself. I'm ashamed of being human...of being a part of this vicious cycle consisting of men in suits dictating the fates of everyone else that we all seem to call "life". I'm ashamed to be human because I have a mind and it's been going to waste my entire life. When will it all end? When?! They convince us that the money is what brings us happiness. Well they're wrong. I've known a happiness so pure and so free that I could never ever put a price on it. Yes, I'm ashamed to be human because we know exactly what kind of damage we're leaving, and we go on anyway. 011009 ... Grievance of being human also. Because we go on, knowing we damaged something. Because we can forget what we've done, no matter how horrible. Yet that's where our strenght draws from. The fact that we can start over, without shame. funny so simple a thing is part of the strength of humanity. I'm ashamed when my integrity drops. like now, I'm conformed to the blather voicing of my expressions. When i want my own voicing in here. but sometimes it's not there. I know. But I don't know where it goes. My artisan's tongue is drying up. It used to be daily, now only when I write, and only then sometimes. It feels like the chronicles of degradation. That's what shame feels like. And I'm ashamed of that. 011009 ... elonar of the way my mind works. I've recently been developing a thesis based on my experience thus far with varying effects of differing levels of intelligence on people's ability to relate and form meaningful relationships. I can't decide which is worse; that I think I'm smarter than those surrounding me or that I chose to be where I am because I didn't want to challenge myself and go somewhere better. I feel as if I can't relate to anyone around me. Maybe I came up with this "thesis" to make myself believe that it's not because of some inferiority of mine that I don't fit in but that I'm too good for them. But I had tons of friends at home, and I went to a school where you had to have a certain minimum IQ to get in, so everyone was pretty smart. This is troubling to me on many levels. I'm also ashamed by my way of thinking in that I have literally made case studies out of my friends, but none of them know. Obviously it is for no formal purpose, I'm just trying to figure them out. Why can't I just get to know people in the normal way that everyone else does? I'm such a freak. 011009 ... isolation of the things i've been put thru of the person i am ... 011010 ... jacksprat of all the shit I don't do. 011010 ... psychobabe eh, i'm ashamed for alot of things. my attitude, my self defence and why i put it so high...grrr sometimes i cant control it and i feel like i have to put up this guard so others cant see my weak point and hurt me more. when REALLY i'm just saying what i say to keep myself from going down even more than i've already gone : ( i know i seem like a bitch sometimes, really i'm just trying to cover up for myself 011018 ... lost i do the same thing. i say and do things to push people away. but really i want them close to me. i want them to care about me. 011018 ... psychobabe exactly 011019 ... unhinged i'm ashamed that i gave in to you. i thought that it was going to be different with you. i thought it was going to be the start of something, but it just confirmed things i already knew. since then i've figured i never really loved you, just the idea of you. i've decided that i can't be with anyone that calls me crazy. i think the biggest tenant of a slut is they let themselves be used; don't know how to say no. because i should say no; not go to that party tomorrow; not let you think you are winning anything. i know you are just hoping for another easy fuck. but an old love of mine might show his newly changed face at the nyabinghi tomorrow night and i would much rather spend my evening in the company of his friendship than your lust. i never realized til it was lacking how much i valued the respect he gave me. 011019 ... silentbob of paying the penalty for being myself. 011019 ... .nom of being ashamed 050123 ... Syrope who else was going to pay it? 050123 ... Piso Mojado Date: Sun, 23 Jan 2005 23:10:57 -0500 (EST) Subject: The darkest of topics From: xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx View Contact Details View Contact Details To: sarahperrymarx@yahoo.com good evening, i hate to do it, but attention must be drawn to an increasingly unfortunate situation. I was gladdened to hear that you acknowledge your flakiness of the past week, but really the problem stretches back much longer. It was made clear in the beginning by my repetition of the phrase, "If you don't have anything to do, work on your puppet." that a certain attitude of collective responsibilty and hard work was expected. Despite your pledge, touching as it was, dissapering is not commitment. If a good case can be made for hardship I and the rest are entirely willing to hear it out and give it due respect. If you wanted to socialize more than work I wish you had made that clear at the beginning so we could have discussed that this isn't the project for you. I don't think it would be fair to use your head in the show as it simply does not jive, and in no universe does 15 hrs equate to 50. If you no longer want to work on this project, i and the rest would be fine with a pleasant seperation, understandably there is a an animosity, but civility is not impossible. If further discussion is warranted or desired please call me at either the design lab or at xxx xxx xxxx so that we can meet in good circumstances. i did not think it was appropriate to bring this up in as public a forum as the design lab, and apologies for the delay. -XXX hypocrisy when left unacknowledged, tends to to leave a bad taste. 050124 ... Piso Mojado see also, ouch 050124 ... joy division "...of the thing's i've been put through ...of the person i am Isolation" 050124 ... a thimble in time What the hell is that about? 050125 ... Piso Mojado ill tell you about it on the phone 050125 what's it to you? who go blather from