in_the_same_vein bijou i was right from the beginning. you are just like i expected, all of this went the way i supposed it would. the blood gushed and gushed, christ, why didn't i make you go to the hospital? no one else knows what happened, we told them all it was an accident. they didn't see the serrated knife in the kitchen sink, covered in your blood. i washed it off and put it back with the others. i didn't want her to know what you did. i told you i loved you more than anything. i love you more than anything, you know that right? "so, what's the bad news? that line is always followed by something bad." no, that's all. i just love you. and all those little warnings i get from you are adding up to be this huge paradox in my mind. this thing that you are hinting at is something i am not accustomed to. this is the only thing that's not in the same vein as the rest. this is the only reason you are different. why do you say it that way? what are you getting at? who exactly do you need me to be? because that is who i will be. i can take care of you for the rest of your life if that is what you are aching for. but it could never be different between us than it is now. i don't want it to. i know you don't either. that night you kissed my hand in the back seat of my car, i knew that no one could ever make me happier than you could. and i also knew that i could not live without you the way you are to me right now. not the way you are to your girlfriend, the boy that you are to me. and i will sit here alone in my house, cold and unshowered until the time comes when i can see you again. what am i doing. 011126 ... bijou "will you ever forgive me for the shape i'm in" 011126 ... bijou it was a strange sort of chigago_payphone call i got from you last night. when i picked up, you were talking to the rest of the band, explaining in this insane story how your arm got cut. i know when they started asking you about it you thought of me. and you called. i love to think that there are things that remind you that i am here, that i love you and i understand you just about as well as anyone else in the world possibly could. i know you mean the things you say when you are drunk, you just don't remember them anymore when you are sober. you have to ask me "what happened last night?" and i have to tell you how you got home, how much money you spent. and it's not one specific event. i can tell you so many things. you won't remember the words that i said, but somehow the bond grows anyway. the emotions are stored in the back of your brain, the bottom of my heart? and i know you love me too. and so when you get those little signals that remind you that i am alive and you need me, you call. and you don't have anything to say, you ask "are you alright? are you okay? are you safe?" and of course i am. 011126 ... ClairE dirty sharing needles bloody and AIDS and hepatitis but romantic all the same 011128 ... deftones it's makes you fly yes i'll lie god i'll even lick her fucking picture in whole dreams won't stain this birth 011128 ... bijou i wonder if you are asleep right now. alone, in your apartment? at least your dog is there. it is with great pain that i realize that i really just want to replace her for you. just move in, pick up where she left off, fill up what she left empty and hold you so close. under your sheets. under your arms and your freckles and your teeth and your firey red hair. ouch. 011128 ... bijou to hear you describing me and our relationship to someone else is just too much fun for me, really. it's just one of those things that makes you feel really good about yourself, to hear people say nice things about you. sometimes it doesn't feel like it can be real. i hear you say everything but sometimes it seems like i'm making it all up. it's funny what people will do if you want them to bad enough and you know how to get it done. i think i can convince people to love me pretty easily. does that make me evil or just vain? 011128 ... paste! shoot up in room_bolus 011129 ... bijou well, i think we made it over the hump. i got to the point where i couldn't imagine my life without you next to me every second of every day. and i can't have that, and i know it, and now is where i start to get over it. now is where you start to slip away a little bit. not too much. if you're really my friend you will keep calling me on the weekends and for shows, even though i can't worship you any more. i cant worship you anymore. it takes too much of my fucking energy. it takes all of my energy. so now i think we can have a healthy relationship. a mutual respect and affection. it means i won't be able to see you as often because i'm going to have to quit planning my life around you, staying at home while my friends go out, waiting for you to get my telepathic messages to call me. i'm not on call for you anymore. don't get me wrong, you still have full rights to my kidneys or half of my liver if you ever need them. you just can't have EVERY ONE OF MY WAKING MOMENTS anymore. i need those to grow. 011202 ... bijou and don't worry, i'll still be at every show that you play within a six hour drive of kansas city. you can always count on that. 011202 ... bijous unhealthy obsession is this insane or just a little unhealthy? while i was recording that frankie stubbs vinyl onto a cd for you i was talking to the needle on my turntable, whispering subliminal messages so every time you played my cd you would hear them. someone please help me 011212 ... ClairE Bijou, it'll be okay. You have to believe it. (Not) in the same vein, were you talkin about my town when you said you liked "it"? 011212 ... ClairE TalkinG. And, good for you, girl! I'm so proud. Seriously. I know what that kind of feeling is like. From blather, I've learned just about everyone in the universe is in or out or somehow tangled up and hanging by one leg from love. 011212 ... junkie bird hates needles trackmark pucker bruise collapse 011213 ... distorted tendencies drained and unmoving 011213 what's it to you? who go blather from