redtree_innerviews_jane red tree what has been the highlight of your day today? 070810 ... gja Hey redtree can I innerview jane too? Lets suppose you say: no! Well OK - Ill accept your refusal - Im old enough, ugly enough, been 'round the block enough to just go away and start a blathe called: gja_asks_jane_a_few_things Actually, come to think of it, say "no" please redtree. That way I can start that blathe and not feel like Im treading on anyones toes. Bye. 070810 ... jane my day is just beginning; it's only about 10:30 here right now. the highlight of my day was communicating with e, not just talking, but really getting through to each other. i was late to work just to have this dialogue. & then the motorcycle ride to work was just beautiful - the weather was perfect! & then a kiss, and i walk away, and he says, "hey." & i turn back, and another kiss. two years now, and i've still got the warm_fuzzies. so i guess the highlight of my day so far was sort of between about 8:30 and 9:10 or so. 40 minutes and i got to experience so many different emotions. i used to hate the rollercoaster (it's not extreme, but still apparent)... & now i really try to appreciate even being able to feel at all, after going through so long where i was insulating myself (30 pounds ago), & numbing myself with alcohol & drugs. i would say the highlights of any day are whatever things make me really think, really process, really feel. plato would call them summoners. roland barthes would call this punctum (albeit in a different context). the punctum of my day... 070810 ... :-p beep beep, i pick up hitchhikers 070810 ... jane yeah, man 070813 ... rtree do you know what a camera lucida is? 070814 ... jane i did read camera lucida by roland barthes. i wrote an essay on it when i was still at NYU, it's on blue under studium_and_punctum i think... 070815 ... jane though i'm not sure i can define "camera lucida", if that is what you're looking for... 070815 ... jane wait, it might have just come to me - is that the hole in the side of a box apparatus? or is that camera obscura? {i need to lay off the coffee for a while} 070815 ... rtree in before_i_die you mentioned you want to "indulge," please expound... 070912 ... and what do you want to teach? 070917 ... jane by "indulge" i was mostly referring to living life to it's fullest. the rest of the list were mostly experiences that i want to have, very specific & time-framed. however, i never want to forget about the things in between - the journeys that take us to the destination, so to speak. i think it also has something to do with my wanting to be able to indulge - that is, make enough money to be comfortable but also take all my friends out to dinner, and not feel guilty that i have put a hole in my paycheck. i've been a starving student/starving office tech. for so long now that i have not known what it's like to go out & spend money on something i'm coveting. i would just like the ability to do that every once in a while, when the moon's striking right. i want to teach art, though the age of the pupils is something i've been debating. i think the things children come up with are simply amazing, the unadulterated imaginations. however, i also find fascinating the psychology of a high schooler who has no other way to express him/herself, and to be the instructor that shows the way and takes the art with open arms. i think i'd be pretty good at that. i have also toyed with the ideas of being an art therapist, and working with developmentally disabled children &/or adults. basically, i believe in the power of art in healing. and people of all ages can benefit from this, and i feel a calling to bring art into peoples lives and help them recover, or just focus on something else for a while, because i have been there. 070918 ... rtree what is the art that you do? 070919 ... jane i've been known to paint acrylics, sometimes mixing in some cigarette tobacco for texture, or do pen & ink weird little creatures, spiderbots, faces. or pencil. or collage. but really the art, the spectacle, is the whole thing together, is the struggle to create art, and once it is created to admire it & share it. 070919 ... jane {shameless self promotion: http://jane.artconspiracy.com} 070919 ... rtree i enjoyed viewing your art. very impressive work. thanks for the link to the site itself. it's very cool. you mentioned the healing power of art. do you have any experiences you can share concerning its ability to mend someone? 070920 ... jane time & time again, art has helped to mend me. although, my relationship with art is simply necessary... the way bukowski describes it in "so you wanna be a writer?": ______________________________________ if it doesn't come bursting out of you in spite of everything, don't do it. unless it comes unasked out of your heart and your mind and your mouth and your gut, don't do it. if you have to sit for hours staring at your computer screen or hunched over your typewriter searching for words, don't do it. if you're doing it for money or fame, don't do it. if you're doing it because you want women in your bed, don't do it. if you have to sit there and rewrite it again and again, don't do it. if it's hard work just thinking about doing it, don't do it. if you're trying to write like somebody else, forget about it. if you have to wait for it to roar out of you, then wait patiently. if it never does roar out of you, do something else. if you first have to read it to your wife or your girlfriend or your boyfriend or your parents or to anybody at all, you're not ready. don't be like so many writers, don't be like so many thousands of people who call themselves writers, don't be dull and boring and pretentious, don't be consumed with self- love. the libraries of the world have yawned themselves to sleep over your kind. don't add to that. don't do it. unless it comes out of your soul like a rocket, unless being still would drive you to madness or suicide or murder, don't do it. unless the sun inside you is burning your gut, don't do it. when it is truly time, and if you have been chosen, it will do it by itself and it will keep on doing it until you die or it dies in you. there is no other way. and there never was. _______________________________ but i have had difficulty before, i've had my blocks & my ruts, in fact i'm just pulling myself out of one i had recently. & when i was in that hole, i felt the raincloud again, i stopped taking care of myself for a while, i had things inside of me that were sort of - jammed. i know for myself that i Must create, whether it's writing or painting or drawing... when i was in the hospital the one thing i looked forward to was art therapy. there were two different art therapists, one was more structured & had projects already set. this was not as fun for me, though i understood her tactics. the one i liked let everyone walk in the room & basically do whatever kind of art they wanted, whether it was scratch paper, painting, coloring books, or sculpting. or whatever. i can't even remember some of the things i did, but i know that it helped break through the veil of the day. truly one of woolfe's "moments of being." i know also that music, for e., is one of his personal saviors. he calls the studio "church," & it's only appropriate that we practice on sundays. i took a class in art therapy once, & disapproved of the bureaucratic bullshit i felt i had to go through to get my art therapy credentials. however, in this class i learned the term "sublimation," which essentially means to take something intangible inside of you, and make it tangible. it is an alternative to "dialoguing" psychiatry. this makes much more sense to me. why should you have to put your abstract feelings into an inert language when you can either act it out, draw it, play it on an instrument? does this make sense? i truly believe everyone has art inside of them, in the same way everyone has emotions, and needs an outlet for them. does this answer your question? i have a horrible habit of being tangential... 070920 ... rtree tangible: clear and definate, able to be perceived by touch...yes, what you said answered my question and made a lot of sense to me. wow...you brought up tons of interesting things. i love how your mind clicks. i make dimensional/ sculptural, magazine-style cut and paste that somehow represents my inner world. it's raised and separate from its place of origin, representing the dual nature, the yin and yang. the inverse, the converse. the prize for rclg is such and is a daily work in progress. in my art, i find balance, symmetry, and csikszentmihalyi's flow, which is conclusive of near perfect mental health. a few abstract questions for you jane_jane... 1. juice or tea? why? 2. which shoes are your favorites? 3. if a stray cat was terrorizing your cats, what would you do? 070921 ... jane 1. juice or tea? why? 2. which shoes are your favorites? 3. if a stray cat was terrorizing your cats, what would you do? 1. i am completely partial to iced soy chai teas. i had to stop drinking coffee when i started having stomach issues. every once in a while i can fare a mug, but most of the time it's not worth the aftermath pains. to me, juices can be invigorating but primarily serve their purpose as mixers. 2. my favorite shoes are my bare feet, first of all. well, i suppose that's cheating. i got a pair of doc martens from e's "ex". i have now worn them out so bad, even polishing doesn't help the wear, and the seams on the back of the right shoe are non-existent, & i can poke my finger in to scratch my heel. e says i should get a new pair, but i'm not interested in either spending that much or breaking in a pair of shoes. or having shiny boots. there is so much character to that pair. 3. the cat world & the dog world are very different. i grew up in the dog world, & i love my big momma cow-dog. so, my answer may be laced with a misunderstanding of the cat world. on that note, it seems to me that cats are pretty independent & usually take care of themselves. it would depend on the nature of the terrorism. if the stray cat is eating their food, i would put out an extra dish, or move the food to a place only they can get to. if mr. stray is bullying the domestics, (depending on how bad it is, and training my cats in ass-kickin' didn't work) i would probably have to call someone to take the stray. this would be totally last resort, as i believe in giving humans and animals more than one chance. if discussion, mediation, & conflict management don't work, there is only one way to solve a problem: remove the cause. {i'm afraid i come off brutal here; i'm really not so.} 070924 ... rtree what do you miss about nyc? 071109 ... redTree what do you see when you turn out the lights? 080309 ... jane oh man, how did i miss question 1? well, i will get to that next. since i was a child i thought i had the ability to see air particles, floating swirling spirals of red blue green yellow. i can still do this, if i unfocus my eyes. it starts out small and usually grows to about three times its size. still small though, only about a millimeter or two in diameter. not that i know what they are or what they mean but i can see them with my eyes closed even. when i was a kid i would reach out to try and grab them. my mother relayed a story to me where she came in my room and i told her i was reaching for the lights, right in front of me. i certainly don't remember the incident but when she told me it made the most sense that these swirly particle things were what i was referring to. also when i was a child some moonlight would always remain in the room when the lights were out. from this each object formed shadows. and my imagination was so wild i watched the shadows from the moonlight turn into things like bears and dance around. dancing shadows. for me now though when i am alone in the darkness i focus more on sounds, and if there are no external noises i try to listen to my own breathing, and though its rarely quiet enough, my own heartbeat. 080310 ... redTree beautiful...thanks. are you a fan of diane arbus? what do you think when you look at her work? 080310 ... oh and do not forget about nyc... 080311 ... jane i won't forget. it just takes a bit of reflecting. it was an interesting period in my life. 080311 ... jane diane arbus: i recognized the name but i did a quick image search just to get an idea of the most famous of her photographs. almost immediately i was reminded of bill owens' photography which has been the inspiration for sofia coppola (the virgin suicides), paul thomas anderson, and wes anderson. this is probably my favorite of his photographs: http://www.gregkucera.com/_images/owens/owens_ireallylovehim.jpg from : suburbia i think they both have a similar mood about them, although it seems they are doing quite the opposite: owens portrays the oddness of something normal (suburbs) while arbus finds humanity and compassion in the bizarre (the siamese twins, sword swallower, etc). i enjoy both takes on life. they both seem inquisitive and full of perspective. 080311 ... jane p.s. it took me just about forever to find that damn photograph. 080311 ... jane what do you miss about nyc? i miss the excitement i felt the second time i was there. when i was 16. it was summer, & my hair was long & black, i had just lost my virginity and i was ready to take life by the horns. i flew to new york because i felt i had to. i stayed there for a week or so in greenwich hotel, which is an nyu dorm that they rent out in the summertime as a sort of hostel. funny enough i had no interest in nyu at the time, although it was the summer before my senior year of high school. i was convinced i would never make it in. that i didn't have the grades. that my family didn't have the money. that my parents would finally begin enforcing logical rules, such as 17 year olds are not allowed to fly across the country. anyways. i remember the excitement i felt. the electric fingertips. the wandering. the people. the food. i became infatuated with the first guy i met, named blaise. we ended up making love under a red light and i painted on his friend's back. we all three slept in a bed. how could i not feel at home? by the time i moved there i was so antsy to call myself a new yorker. i didn't sleep the first two weeks i was there from the sheer excitement. i don't want to blah blah through the two years i spent there though. i guess i have to sum up the things that i miss. i miss wandering around. especially late at night. i miss the music and the food. i miss the museum of natural history. the freakatorium. vasmay lounge. st. marks street. jane street. 321 east houstons street. the hudson river. monk's thrift store. tompkins square park. getting cheese sandwiches at the deli. salsa dancing at parkside. watching mike karaoke to "ruby tuesday". sneaking into rainbow city music hall. talking to everyone. speed levitch, even though i hate him. smoking pot with the boys downstairs as they created idm like wizards. little italy. the japanese technology store. being young. feeling like i'll be young forever. early mornings when everything is waking up. the view of the brooklyn bridge from the seaport. smoking cigarettes after fucking someone on the roof. sitting in the window. the mermaid parade. idiotarod. how there is always something going on. always something to be a part of. the main element was the spark. and for me, it came from being young and care(less)(free). even if i go back now, i'll never feel the same about the city as i ever did. because it's no longer a fantasy to me. i know what happens now. i see through the city itself. she turned her back on me. & her tendency to turn her back, like a scorned woman - that's one thing that eclipses all that i miss, something that will keep me from going back for a long time. 080312 ... j houstons-houston 080312 ... redTree i wouldn't have expected anything less brilliant from you jane. your life is legendary. it was good talking with you last night as well. 080312 ... j always a pleasure, k. i hope your daughter enjoys living in the city & i hope it works out well for her. it seems like she already has more of her shit together than i did. funny also, my cousin just moved there from san francisco to go to nyu, & ended up in the same dorm that i did for the first year. anyways, there was a sort of jealousy twinge that i had when i heard all this - like she may be getting the chance i never had. but e reminded me that i can't compare my life to anyone elses. that maybe nyc or nyu wasn't the right thing for me. and just because i moved away doesn't mean i failed. the twinge is still with me but i am trying to remind myself of this. 080312 ... redTree what are you living for? what would you die for? what would you kill for? 080505 ... jane i need to think about this for a moment. 080506 ... jane for one of the first times in my life i feel like i have a pretty good balance. i have a future to look forward to. i am self-sufficient and finally getting some of the more naive thoughts out of my neurological system. i am living for the bohemian ideals of truth, beauty, freedom, & love. i seek truth in my surroundings, i enjoy philosophizing and debating, and finding people who are into discussing why we all are the way we are. for picking things apart and putting them back together again. for that hour when the sun shine is nearly horizontal, and its golden yellow illuminates everything to a perfect glow. i want to live a free and balanced life. i want to share my ideas with people. "i don't want to be an ant" (waking_life). i want to create, i want to invent, i want to be brilliant and humble. i live for the struggle, the strife, in all these things. and with that inspiring message, i will say that death is a horizon i have stared at many times. i am not sure it's possible for me to say what i would physically die for, because everyone wants to die a noble death - nobody wants to be hit by a car or otherwise become an arbitrary statistic. but i think part of the human experience is to pass through le_petit_mort - many times over. the things we sacrifice in our daily lives. the crushing feeling when your desires are eclipsed by having to do the Right thing. the people that pass through our lives, though we long for them back. suffering, grief, and loss. these are all necessary for the balance of the human experience, and just as important as our physical passing from this earth. they are what reminds us we are alive. (note: read flow_my_tears_the_policeman_said by philip k. dick). killing is a different story. there are many times i joke about killing all the idiots of the world and repopulating with a more intelligent, creative, innovative populace (i don't want things to end up as they are in "idiocracy" but i am afraid we are heading that way anyways). i don't even kill spiders. at this point one of the only instances i would assist in taking someone's life is euthanasia. and even that i would be skeptical about. and i do see the hypocrisy of my saying "suffering is something that makes us feel alive" and "i would help take someone's life to alleviate suffering" but i don't feel like splitting the hairs here. 080508 ... redTree in if_i_die, you mentioned "organic body chips." tell me more about this... 080523 ... jane i haven't forgotten about this. i just need to go home and quote from the hard copy of the book. 080602 ... redTree you have been chosen as the world's new super hero, but you can possess only one power that you must select from the following two choices... 1. the ability to fly 2. the ability to be invisible which one do you choose? why? what will you call yourself? 080704 ... jane let me answer the body chips question first. this is from "Stiff: the Curious Lives of Human Cadavers" by Mary Roach - the chapter entitled: Out of the Fire, into the Compost Bin.: "Which brings us, ready or not, to the modern human compost movement. Here we must travel to Sweden, to a tiny island called Lyron, due west of Gothenburg. This is the home of a forty-seven-year-old biologist-entrepreneur named Susanne Wiigh-Masak. Two years ago, Wiigh-Masak founded a company called Promessa, which seeks to replace cremation (the choice of 70 percent of Swedes) with a technologically enhanced form of organic composting..... "The man's body will be brought to an establishment that has licensed Promessa's technology. He will be lowered into a vat of liquid nitrogen and frozen. From here he will progress to the second chamber, where either ultrasound waves or mechanical vibrations will be used to break his easily shattered self* into small pieces, more or less the size of ground chuck. The pieces, still frozen, will then be freeze-dried and used as compost for a memorial tree or shrub, either in a churchyard memorial park or in the family's yard.... "She explains the difference between rotting and composting, that the needs of humans and the needs of compost are similar: oxygen, water, air temperature that does not stray far from 37 degrees centigrade. Her point: We are all nature, all made of the same basic materials, with the same basic needs. We are no different, on a very basic level, from the ducks and the mussels and last week's coleslaw. Thus we should respect Nature, and when we die, we should give ourselves back to the earth." 080706 ... jane i hate to be the one who answers the question with a question, but i need to know if flying means that i can fly really fast in order to make my decision. 080709 ... redTree once you have the ability to fly there are no restrictions to your flight. 080709 ... jane i don't know. i still choose invisibility. though the temptation for mischief would most likely prevail - so it's probably a good thing i don't have any magical powers. if i was invisible, i would be able to travel for free. i would be able to observe everything in its natural state. i would probably get run over by a bus 080711 ... jane and as far as the name goes... i'll have to let that marinate for a while. 080711 ... jane though the first thing that comes to mind is nihila 080711 ... redTree what are the top five events of your life this year? 081209 ... jane what do you mean by "top"? just significant, or good, or cataclysmic or what? 081216 ... redTree when i think of the word "top" i think of those events that were most important to me, that i will remember, that i would, perhaps have written down into journals, or poems, or at least told someone else about in story form... 081216 ... jane saying_goodbye getting my diving certification meeting unhinged getting promoted; assuming more responsibilities in general and feeling more like an adult i'm desperately grasping to find one more. this year has been rough for me. i'm sure hindsight is 20/20, and maybe that last thing is yet to come? watching my mom graduate was an awakening, but then again, the awakenings and enlightenments along the way this year have been slow and hard to distinguish as i feel stuck in the mud. this year feels like it's about preparation, like next year i'll come more into myself. i could say creating art and finally displaying it, but i'm not sure if that's really one singular event. ask me next year... 081218 ... redTree what does your diving certification involve? are you an instructor? 081219 ... jane no way, you have to go through lots of schooling and hours of diving in order to become an instructor. my father and brother got certified about 10 years ago (i had the option but at the time declined for personal reasons). we had been talking about it for the past year or so as my father said that he would be happy to finance my certification and all equipment necessary. in the past years he has become a skilled diver who has gone on dives all over the world and excelled in underwater photography (his second calling if you ask me). the actual instruction was about 3-4 days of classroom work - we were to read the textbook and watch the video prior to the class - and practice in the pool. the pool in the dive shop is something like 90 degrees so we didn't wear our wetsuits. as a coincidence some friends of mine had received the equipment as a wedding gift and had never actually proceeded with the coursework. she was still uninterested but he was excited that i was actually doing it, and joined the same class as me. it was nice to have a buddy that i knew, and trusted. (we're no longer friends but that story is far separate from this diving information). after the coursework/pool work is completed, you must do two open water dives in order to be granted your certification. my class was going to the closest diving area to where we live - which was monterey. the water temperature there is extremely cold, especially in the summer. my father thought it would be fun to get my open water certification in hawaii at the same place he and my brother were certified. so we flew there and had some beautiful dives. i am truly blessed they were my first, and maui is an incredible place anyways. i think i gave you the longest version possible, sorry :) 081220 ... redTree i'm so jealous that you met unhinged. what is she like in person? 081221 ... jane ooh a loaded question. she is simply lovely, surrounded by a calm aura even if she is ranting or giggling or making your_mom_ jokes with me. and she doesn't know how beautiful she is. 081222 ... redTree black and white? or color? 090129 ... jane i had my romances with black and white, and i severely appreciate (read: envy) people who can capture things in b&w just right. we tangoed for years, and i wish i had the guts to go back. but color. color sweeps me off my feet like nothing else. color can be muted or enhanced. it's much more versatile. it's ranging. it's emotional. picking a favorite color for me is like picking one of infinite children. i love them all in their own way, because they each ooze personality. perhaps these are merely the maudlin words of a painter.. you know it's funny, there's value to each. ask me again in 5 years, my answer may be completely different. i may be going through my jean-luc godard phase again. 090130 ... rt is masculin_feminin your favorite godard film? 090130 ... jane i believe it's the only one i've seen. benjamin took me to see it on valentines day when i lived in new york. it was rather awkward to be spending the day with him but i rather enjoyed the film. 090130 ... rt tell me about benjamin... 090131 ... jane benjamin. i'd write his whole name here if i didn't think he googled himself on a regular basis. just a hunch. when i met benjamin i thought his name was jack. turns out it was a pseudonym, a pen name, and i rather liked that our pseudonyms complemented each other. jack and jane. i found him on some inane internet dating site back when i lived in new york. it linked to his writing on his "blog" - back before everyone had one, he was very ahead of his time. again i'd post the address here, but it would be the key to my years here on red and possibly blue, and i don't want to compromise that. i found his writing to have quite a wit to it and i was quite impressed. i contacted him and we discovered we lived within blocks of each other. so there at 2am we decided to meet. embarrassingly in retrospect i kept calling him jack. he served me some of my first whiskey with ginger ale. he lived in a studio which is still the smallest apartment i have ever seen (interesting side note, he moved into a place that is just around the corner from my old apartment). we had this strange fleeting romance. i wasn't old enough to go into all the bars, but i carried myself well and sometimes i'd get away with it. we saw each other for only a week or two, and then this ridiculous drama arose and i ended up leaving new york. as for how i feel about him now... we're still relatively in touch. relatively being we are still aware of each others' existences on the opposite sides of the country, but neither of us says hello. ever. perhaps that will change in the near future. i do feel a bit of trepidation writing more on here because i feel like he'll read it. a fact i will add in is that he has drunkenly professed his love for me on more than one occasion. and that makes me feel flattered, but.. uncomfortable. 090131 ... jane i'm going to add in that the profile on the dating site was really just a promotion for his blog. and that his blog was really just practice for his novel. i'm supposed to be in that novel somewhere, as the one that got away. 090131 ... rt wow... interesting, as nicholas would say. you in a novel... jack sounds like someone i hope to meet. he may be in my tribe. what is the ridiculous drama? is his blog online still? 090131 ... jane his blog is still online, though it has turned from topics of booze and women and new york city to a more political air. ben himself works on campaigns and is very politically knowledgeable. i, on the other hand know more about booze and women. the drama was strange. i still have not fully sussed it out, though my desire to do so has almost entirely diminished, which is to say that if someone had an answer i would be interested in hearing it, but i'm not going to investigate the situation any more as it is now years behind me. as i tell this story please keep in mind that i was very much a different person when i lived in nyc. we had a party at my apartment. i invited ben, i felt bad telling him we were having a party and not inviting him. so i did. he stuck out, badly. here were all these 18-21 college aged drunkies and he was like this older intellectual fellow. i think he was 28 at the time though to me he looked much more mature than that...not OLD just ...displaced. well, he stuck out nonetheless. ben was mingling anyways, he's a congenial person. the party whittled down to about 10 people and we decided to walk a block and a half down to our neighborhood bar. the evening gets a bit fuzzy after this. what i remember is that ben told me he had been talking to my friends and they were saying horrible things about me. he always carried a notebook around with him and he had written these things down because he could hardly believe it. something along the lines of "she's the biggest soulless whore i know...she'll do anything for money." i was quite the promiscuous type at the time but i had never been paid for it. anyways after hearing this of course i got upset and ran home. i confronted the individual who had allegedly said these things, and he denied it outright. i trusted him and believed him. ben was very steadfast in his asseverations. i couldn't understand why someone would lie about such a thing, and i couldn't figure out which of these people was lying. so i stopped talking to them both. and after that, i can't remember when ben and i got back in touch, and out again. 090131 ... rt there are several things about your story that i liked. the phrase "sussed it out." it's a type of urban wordphrase that means to analyze a situation to determine it's meaning and purpose. i think you should not forget him entirely. remember he hasn't forgotten you. benjamin is writing you into his novel. calling you souless is a travesty. and i wonder what changed you now that you left nyc. 090201 ... jane i love "suss". i'm bringing it back. and i have not forgotten benjamin. there are far too many things that remind me of him. as far as the novel goes, it was a wayward promise - i'll be surprised to see it. very surprised. and changing, well... i had to calm down and be honest with myself. at the time i pushed away friends and eventually realized that i was surrounding myself with people i didn't even enjoy, who weren't supportive. so after the hospital, i moved back to california. it was quite a humbling experience. 090201 ... rt the hospital? 090202 ... jane the hospital. 090203 ... unhinged (i too moved back home soon after i ended up in the hospital in youngstown; also cause i kinda graduated. the stress of my personal life back then AND college was kind of unmanageable though) 090203 ... rt jane...you've turned into a beautiful person... 090203 ... jane i appreciate it. i feel blessed to be associated with our little subculture here. it's coming up on my 9 year blather anniversary. my heart exploded when i discovered red. i think we're all beautiful people here. 090203 ... rt well said. i think red_blather is unique in that it's a subculture as you said. it is small, tight, and alive in a way where it comes to life in each one of us in a different, mosaically-patterned way. some of us have seen photographs of each other. some of us have spoken on the phone. some of us have made things for each other and have given them as gifts.some of us have sent music. some of us will never meet face to face. some of us already have. some of us send type-written letters. others paintings. some of us can't meet in person because it will lead to danger. achtung_liebe. we've all created this tribe together and have been faithful to each other as friends. words for us are drops in our collective consciousness. it's good to believe in something. please write me a poem. 090204 ... jane time no longer on our side; geography is playing merry go round again everything circulating into a conundrum of hearts, molding us into clay hurricanes i can still discern which one is mine he volunteered his days and left behind me, his teacup. we're no longer in the mood for colossal ambiguities star crossed strings twisting around our last aorta. 090205 ... rt what are the cycles of your life? 090206 ... jane not just mine, everyone's. creation, destruction, creation, destruction. what has me constantly thinking, though, is how it's not just a circle, otherwise there would be no growth, instead it must be something like intertwined circles, concentric circles, a spiral. "we came whirling out of nothingness, scattering stars like dust." my cycles? my cycles. something to reflect upon. key words : kairos ouroboros i am consuming, destroying, but it is myself that i am destroying, and in my consumption is the fuel to perpetuate it. 090206 ... jane these eras. i'm not sure what to say about them. i am constantly waiting for kairos. i think this is the longest cycle of its type. if you laid it out it would look something like a sine or cosine wave. only not as consistent. i'm afraid none of this is making sense and i shouldn't continue. i can talk nonsense all night. 090206 ... rt i like it. makes sense to me. it's how i live. the only thing is. i usually don't wait for kairos. i have this thing for making much more out of time than it actually is. when i am involved within a situation i try to behold it as though i'm looking at it with some kind of spectacular micro-vision, where i can perceive all the layers and ripples. afterwards when i examine it, i become some kind of present day archaeologist of my own intricate civilization. 090207 ... rt my middle daughter hilary recently went to brookyn for the week-end and so i texted her when she came back asking her how it was..."total adventure," she wrote back. what was your last "total adventure?" 090309 ... jane i've been creeping around at night lately. otherwise i feel like a complete failure in the adventure department. my body aches to just get in the car and keep driving. i have friends in southern california i'm dying to see, and friends in northern california (humboldt) that i would love to visit. and i want to fly somewhere. i feel like i haven't been anywhere in so long. the guilt at taking time off work has constricted like a boa around my neck. i'm so sick of my routine. right now the only adventures are in my head. hopefully costa rica will change all that... 090309 ... jane i guess that doesn't really answer your question. i'll have to pry into my memory for a while for the last adventure. 090309 ... rt if you couldn't think with words, what images would you use to represent your thoughts and create an unspoken language? 090409 ... j my thoughts right now, or recently? or am i coming up with a language based on images? 090409 ... rt let's start with your recent thoughts as images instead of words...although as i ask this it seems paradoxical since you have to describe your images with words... i suppose i would have to watch a slideshow of your photos or view a collage you created or a film you made or a painting? what do you think margeaux? 090409 ... jane i hate to sound dismissive, because it's certainly not my intention - but i would have to say that is what my paintings are. however, i'll try to explain the latest image of my latest emotions: a golden heart, dripping, not blood, but honey, onto a glass floor. underneath the floor is a tree (not sure what kind) upside down, growing out of the glass floor.... it's hard to get more specific with that one. 090410 ... jane and when i say heart, i don't mean ♥ - i'm talking about the anatomical heart. 090410 ... jane that would actually be a really cool collage piece......... 090410 ... rt thanks lm...i couldn't expect any less from you....that's a stunning image and speaks volumes. a language i know. 090410 ... jane (thank you, k.) 090412 ... rt what is the first thing you remember? 090413 ... rt define your life in five ways... 090417 ... rt what is a cinnamon girl? 090612 ... jane {what is the first thing you remember?} pumpkin patch at apple hill. a boy with curly brown hair, freckles, and a giant smile. {define your life in five ways...} i'm not sure what you mean by this, can you expand? my first instinct was to come up with 5 different words that together sort of encompass my life, or my feelings about it, or what i am trying to make of it. {what is a cinnamon girl?} first and foremost, cinnamon_girl is a song by neil young. i imagine her to be a sassy redhead, but i could be wrong. hell, i could be a cinnamon girl - sweet and spicy - can be included with savory foods or desserts. (a dreamer of pictures i run in the night you see us together, chasing the moonlight) 090715 ... jane sorry it's taken me forever to answer these, and that the answers are more brief than i usually indulge.. 090715 ... rt go with your instinct on the five ways to describe yourself. i like it. and yet another question...what do you think memory and water have in common? 090715 ... jane challenging exciting rich blessed complex (those were the first 5 that came to mind. i might have to break the rules & add more) 090720 ... jane connections between memory & water: dreams. water is a recurring theme in my dreams. being underwater or on a boat at sea. it seems self-evident how dreams are connected to memory. the moon. the ocean's tides caused by the lunar gravitational pull. my memory of the moon, and the way my memory slips in and out the way the tides do. i wish i knew what kind of head trauma or otherwise that had occurred to get me here, but until then i just have to keep reminding people that my memory is completely unreliable. the ripple effect. the way one cataclysmic event can affect something so seemingly distant in time-space. 090720 ... rt tell me about what you remember of your water dreams...i think being underwater is the closest we get to the womb. 090721 ... unhinged (that would explain why i'm afraid of water since i almost hung myself in the womb) MAIL ME shamelessly invades yet another obviously personal thread 090721 ... jane i agree with the womb comment. when i was still plagued by daily multiples of anxiety and panic attacks, i would get in the bath and stick my head underwater, so anything i could hear was muffled except for the sound of my own breathing and my own heart beating. like i said before, i've had so many dreams involving water. the other day, it was an aquarium - not like a giant one, just a sort of local neighborhood aquarium. i have had a dream that involved a giant "touch" aquarium, where you could pet sharks and what not. i had a dream where i was drifting underwater in the ocean, and not breathing, and not drowning. it was some sort of wrinkle in time, and when i was washed up onto shore, i was in a parallel universe that was the exact same except everything was clean and utopian. for whatever reason i had to return to "reality" and i woke up shortly thereafter, sobbing. i've had a couple dreams where i'm driving on a freeway that's a mile high above the bay, in some sort of futuristic setting... one of these was somewhat lucid and my car had driven off the edge of the freeway. i fell the entire way down (outside of the car) and smacked the water and died. the lucidity of the dream had its own voice of sorts that told me i could go back and try again.. so i did. trying to think of more.. regardless - my mother was born july 8th, making her a cancer (which is a water sign). her connection with water has made an impression with me, and it brings back the womb idea. when i used to have nightmare/panic attacks when i was a child, my mother would help me take off my clothes and put me in the bathtub, turning on the water and telling me to just focus on the water coming out. it's something moving, but not, and it's warm, and inviting, and comforting. she would tell me to just focus on my breathing, and on the water, and it would always help. 090727 ... rt i love all these intricate water thoughts. your dreams are fantastically vivid...drifting underwater, not breathing but not drowning...waking up sobbing...wow...very cool. and i think you have a smart and compassionate mother. however, the dream about falling outside the car, smacking the water, dying, hearing the voice, repeating the act...that's totally crazy, but bursting out with meaning and insight for sure. tell me more about this voice...feminine or masculine? audible or inherent? urgent or calming? how did you know you died and when you repeated the act, what happened the second time? 090728 ... rt have you been to berkeley much? 091022 ... jane i'm sorry i missed your question about the voice. it's not the most vivid part of the dream; and i can't explain how i knew i was dead, or even if i did. i suppose it was an assumption on my quasi-lucid state's part. i've been to berkeley proper probably a total of 10 times, and one of those was just to see a concert i think in 2002 or something. i used to meet stork_daddy/werewolf/lycanthrope at the berkeley marina. (http://blather.newdream.net/b/berkeley_marina_at_4_in_the_morning.html) why do you ask? 091023 ... rt i heard a story about a samin nasrat who started as a busser at chez panisse. she went on to become sous chef and then started her own restaurant called eccolo in berkeley. i was wondering if you ever went to either place? 091024 ... rt All our knowledge begins with the senses, proceeds then to the understanding, and ends with reason. There is nothing higher than reason. Immanuel Kant what do you think? 100809 ... jane i'm going to berkeley today, but more for the drive than to go have food there. i don't go very often, but my good friend is moving there, and so we will be checking out places to eat - i will keep these in mind! 100810 ... jane i disagree that there is nothing higher than reason. there is something higher, and the only word that i can think of to use is "grok." i haven't read stranger_in_a_strange_land in a long time, but my understanding of the word is relatively conceptual. i suppose i feel Kant sort of disregards any connection with anything else, whether it be nature, another human being, animals, or to the collective_unconscious. i want to expand on this, but i have to go. more later. 100810 ... jane to quote waking_life: "So much of what we perceive cannot be expressed. It's unspeakable. And yet, you know, when we communicate with one another, and we feel that we've connected, and we think that we're understood, I think we have a feeling of almost spiritual communion. And that feeling might be transient, but I think it's what we live for." so what does Kant have to say with that spiritual communion, with that feeling of being absolutely understood? was Kant ever in love? was it requited_love? it's the ultimate battle of head_vs_heart. 100825 ... rt trees don't ask why they were made, but we do, why? is it science or something else entirely? 101020 ... jane there is a zen-ness to trees, of trees. they do not ask why they were made, they are content to just_be. 101021 ... jane & garfunkel Who will love a little Sparrow? Who's traveled far and cries for rest? "Not I," said the Oak Tree, "I won't share my branches with no sparrow's nest, And my blanket of leaves won't warm her cold breast." Who will love a little Sparrow And who will speak a kindly word? "Not I," said the Swan, "The entire idea is utterly absurd, I'd be laughed at and scorned if the other Swans heard." Who will take pity in his heart, And who will feed a starving sparrow? "Not I," said the Golden Wheat, "I would if I could but I cannot I know, I need all my grain to prosper and grow." Who will love a little Sparrow? Will no one write her eulogy? "I will," said the Earth, "For all I've created returns unto me, From dust were ye made and dust ye shall be." 101021 ... rt i love this. thanks. trees just are. "the giving tree" by shel silverstein is my favorite children's book. 101022 what's it to you? who go blather from