cigarettes forgetful_experimentor It's been two days since, I'm depressed and I really don't know what will replace them in my life at this point. Hopefully it'll be good and productive, like guitar or a girl or something. On another hand, S. just started smoking -- kind of funny, seeing that this is late in her college career and she's had many many chances to start before... I remember last Winter break, a bunch of people I know quit because they didn't want to get too hooked. I was the only one who went on smoking. None of them had things to regret yet. 011123 ... guitar_freak in and out- just breathe. i hate cigarettes they kill too many in and out- i breathe still i find myself with one in and out of times of stress 011125 ... from now on i've never smoked tobacco 041022 ... guitar_freak Shit. Have I really been smoking this long? damn it. I am the last person who should be a smoker. I don't want to be a smoker. I hate the smell when I actually notice it. Yet, that sense of freedom, belonging, and carelessness is so powerful. Maybe it is just addiction that is so powerful. Sometimes I wonder why I smoke. It is expensive, unhealthy, and non-smokers absolutely hate to be around it. At least the ones I'm friends with. I don't have the nerve to tell my parents that I smoke because I know how my Mom would react. Shit. To be afraid of your parents at my age... tsk. I think the belonging thing is what it really is all about. I don't really FIT with any group of people I hang out with. I'm not artsy enough, smart enough, high enough, drunk enough, or athletic enough. So, I smoke. It keeps my hands busy so I don't pick up a drink, it keeps my brain busy so I can actually DO small talk. I always tend to get into this really deep conversations, but I realized that most people just feel comfortable sticking to the weather or politics. The weather is obvious and politics make me agitated and say things that typically offend people when I'm actually quite genuine in my statement. Too liberal. Sucks to be left of the lefties. Hard to find anyone who agrees with you. However, if keeping my brain and hands busy was the reason I smoked, then why would I do it when I'm alone? i have not the answer. 050102 ... Jarec You know, if people actually put some more money into quality (ex: cloves or cigars) rather than quantity, I don't think as many people would get "hooked". But I must admit that half the reason I have them is because I can give them away. Does that make me a poisonous apothecary or merely self-less accomplice? 060130 ... birdmad I'll have another and further tattoo my favorite comparison into this place as i watch the tendrils of smoke twist their way toward heaven like so many other wasted prayers 060130 ... jane i feel like cigarettes & i broke up. like we dated for almost a decade & then my stomach, the intermediary, said, enough of this. & my lungs were like, we're cool either way. & i still romanticize the smoke, the inhaling, the breathing fire. tom robbins wrote: "Three of the four elements are shared by all creatures, but fire was a gift to humans alone. Smoking cigarettes is as intimate as we can become with fire without immediate excruciation. Every smoker is an embodiment of Prometheus, stealing fire from the gods and bringing it on back home. We smoke to capture the power of the sun, to pacify Hell, to identify with the primordial spark, to feed on the marrow of the volcano. It's not the tobacco we're after but the fire. When we smoke, we are performing a version of the fire dance, a ritual as ancient as lightning." {still_life_with_woodpecker} so there you have it. my primordial longing for fire has been neglected. these days i'm cold, smokeless, & blue. it's the perfect time in my life to smoke, & yet the greater part of me has no appetite for it. everything in my brain tells me that smoking would be the answer to all my problems. do you ever feel like your body is rebelling against you? involuntary twitches, tourette's syndrome, breaking out, anxiety attacks, all of these. these are examples of your body not agreeing with your mind. anxiety attacks are a little more on the edge because it's your brain disagreeing with your brain. but it's still the same conflict. that's how i feel about cigarettes - i want so badly to smoke them but i feel like my body won't let me. i could buy a pack, even open it, even light one up, and only be able to take a couple of drags before feeling ill. brain fighting body fighting brain. when will the conflict ever end? 080403 ... steampunkrock Oftentimes there's no better way to relieve stress than the ritual pulling of smoke into one's lungs. 080930 ... unhinged eh, i don't really smoke much anymore. not at the busstop cause i live in the same neighborhood as a lot of my students, not at work cause if i don't start for the day i don't really need one, not even when i come home most of the time. pretty much now only when i drink. i feel better. i can breathe, my lungs don't hurt. it's nice. 081001 ... faerielord cigarette skies... will and grace days pheasants Boomies Souls dance my friend far gone hum again in my ear hold my tears in your hand once more fly home to me 081016 ... shulamith i managed to deceive myself enough to think that i didn't need you; but last night, as i walked with him through the cold and silent streets, i needed to breathe that sick sweet smoke. when i found you missing, i realized my dependence and relented. i admitted it more to myself than to him and we stopped at a ragged all night market to ease my wanting. my anxiety ebbed and we continued our exchange haloed in soft light, filtered through the snaking smoke. 081017 ... faerielord My car wouldn't start so i smoked your vanilla clove i felt your grace enter my heart my soul given its secret cove you saved my life that night without doing at all you listened and shared some spite and told and heard a call I know we are near a place few meet to my heart your words ill seer and learn to stand again on my feet 081017 what's it to you? who go blather from