aches_and_pains Ouroboros Sad day. The saddest day. All excited and gung-ho for today's crisis center training. All went well until it was my turn for role plays. I completely panicked, my mind went blank 5 minutes into it and I stopped it, and cried while I listened to the feedback, and then excused myself to "compose myself," and sobbed hysterically in the bathroom for 20 minutes. Later had a talk with a director that I might not be able to make it as a volunteer, but I am willing to try, (being a suicide survivor and all, as well as often being suicidal and depressed.) Went to E's house, where we cuddled on the couch, and I tried to talk to him about many things, unsuccessfully, as usual. Started feeling bad again that our relationship doesn't meet my needs, took a shower and a nap, and woke up to him gone, no note. I left, sadly, to A's house for a sex product selling party thing with wine and cheese, and I drank many glasses of wine and flirted briefly with the one guy who came. And I drove home to this empty house, with these stupid annoying dogs, and ate dinner and took a bath and my heart is so sad. 080531 ... * go out and look at the stars. {{{*}}} 080531 ... * you won't be sorry. 080531 ... * i promise. 080531 ... Ouroboros there are no stars in LA (ironically) 080721 ... Syrope from this experience i have learned one thing: plastic is an evil evil flesh-eating material. EVIL. i am going to throw out all of my namebrand feminine products. all cloth for me, from now on. gahh. 080722 ... Ouroboros are you talking about tampons_gone_wild ? I use the diva cup/keeper 080722 ... Ouroboros I really want to be dead right now. Or shoot up heroin. Or sleep_forever. I want to feel nothing and be nothing and not participate in this bullshit of everything any longer. 080927 ... dafremen One less light to remind the world of what it isn't. That WOULD be a tragedy. 080928 ... Ouroboros again. if i had bottles of the right pills, or a tall bridge. but i fucking don't. fuck 081211 ... tourist The dimming light of the Angular Sun? Or the Social Scene of Holiday Season? Whatever it is the Late fall Early Winter Time Wears on Me. I can't Wake up on time, My Creativity Ebbs. I feel the Toll of Time in my Bones. I Used to think all the Old People were a bunch of Whining Liars, but with the passage of time I have learned First Hand that this body I Inhabit is not immune to the abuse I have heaped Upon it. My shoulder joints wake me up at night, my Feet crack and pop when I massage them after standing on Concrete all day. Eyesight is faulty at best, and listening to music through head sets leaves an ongoing highpitched whine like I used to get standing in front of the speaker towers at all those Concerts Years Ago. I am Fatigued By Living, but this I Know from Expierience Will Pass again like the falling Tide. Winter is a Bitch, but with the lengthening of Days My Mood will turn. Even though the Aches and Pains may still Remain. They will be easier to cope with in the Warm Summer Light I Know. 081212 ... unhinged my_depression_is_a_hole_in_the_ground ? i remember that feeling of wanting to heave myself off a bridge. but one seemingly morbid comfort buddhism brought into my life is that we all suffer. that our suffering is a wheel and we are all stuck on it. and the shitty part about a circle is that it turns and turns in the same orbit, path, place. buddhism also taught me that i have all the tools to heal myself. that compassion and love start with me, for me, by me. that i have the power to expand my circles with love, to change my path. i'm sorry you feel so sad today. i've been feeling it lately myself. 081212 ... Lemon_Soda My burning rock of enthusiasm had dimmed to a small ember the last few weeks, myself. I am very emotional and sometimes I forget that. Perhaps the season makes me nostalgic or my ties to Wind and Water chill the warm fuzzies of my being along with the weather. Ah, well. time for some Viktor Frankl, Norman V. Peale, or heaven help me Jeff Gitomer. 081212 ... Ouroboros I danced all night and all morning in the desert with my people. i feel better. now i'm off to dance some more. i think i have found my antidote to my aches_and_pains 081213 ... Ouroboros At the end of the day. I linger at work to stave it off. Deep fear, anxiety, feelings of overwhelming despair. Blackness. 090211 ... unhinged yesterday i had a small awakening to the fact, that all kinds of love are love nonetheless so it is useless to fixate on what i don't have. and then i relegated myself to the backseat to watch them reach out to each other, hold hands, while he drove the car, and the mirror of my quiet_realizations about love earlier that day was shattered. i want something my friends can't give me. a hand to hold. 090212 what's it to you? who go blather from