slowly
charles singing slowly softly silently. 991103
...
lokkust it's how the worms were moving on that friday evening as the rain softened the earth I walked upon... 991110
...
sinkdaddy it's what the women really want ;) 991210
...
deb the rhythms dim
lights down low
light ringing in my ears
i close my eyes
and write some more
slowly drifting away
from here

::sighs the word:: slowly
000111
...
lotusflower and lazily is the way to go. but fast and vigorous ain't so bad either. 000213
...
marjorie we move
languish
languid
languages around us
telling us how to keep going
slowly
we turn
pirouette
deadly arabesques on top of buildings
turning
round our fingertips
lights bounce
slowly
off into the distance
signaling your return
000310
...
lilt how the leaves fell on a Saturday afternoon in October
churning like thick butter
Falling all around my
Eyes
000615
...
marissa you're leaving me.
alone.
again.
but this time, for real.
i will miss you.
my best friend.
010126
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Chrity Look, I get a lot of crap from people for being a Christian; for being so faithful. Sometimes, I admit, I even think that I may be wrong. But then I remember the all the things that God has done for me. He made me, He loves me. He loves me enough that he died a shameful and horrible death as a sacrifice for every sin that I would commit in my life. And then there are days when even that seems totally unreal and distant. But thatís not all.

Thereís this girl I know who has been through a lot in the last couple years. She became a Christian in 7th grade when her parents joined this church. Some of her friends went there, and when she moved to another city and school district, that was the only time she really had to hang out with them, so she got involved. Mostly to be with her friends, though. She didnít really understand that other stuff. In 11th grade, her church started a new program for teens to be involved with the kids in the church. It was called TIM TeamTIMĒ standing for Teens In Mission), and she and her friends got to go to Camp Wapo, the Bible camp their church was affiliated with, for free!

They arrived at the camp on the Friday before the last week of July, 1999. They put their stuff away and started getting to know the people from other churches whom they would be spending the week with. Some of these people, although she didnít know it yet, would change her life forever.

One of the counselors who worked with them that week, Mike Campbell, led Devotions one night. Everyone could tell that he was down about something, he had been all week. Although Mike didnít really tell us directly what had been bothering him; by the end of our meeting, he had many of us in tears. Before the week was over he told us something else, something this girl would never forget; he said that Satan was trying to interfere with something there that week, that God must have something really great planned for someone there.

Camp ended, and this girl got a new job, started her senior year in high school, and went on with life. Everything was fine until the middle of October that year. This girl was sitting at home when she came to the realization that she hated herself. She felt like she didnít deserve anything that she had in her life. She didnít feel like she deserved to have God love her. Then she started hating everything and everyone around her, for loving her as worthless and stupid as she was. Then she hated herself for hating everything and everyone. She wanted to hurt herself, to inflict physical pain in order to relieve the emotional pain. She tried to think about something else, she tried to keep busy so that maybe this feeling would go away. But it didnít go away. She went into the bathroom with a scissor and she cut herself. Slowly, deliberately; not deep enough to do any real damage. It relieved the pain Ė but only to replace it with shameÖ and the pain always came back. She knew that what she was doing was crazy; but she had no control over it, no understanding of it.

She went on like this, not living, just existing, and always hiding behind the mask of her former self Ė or at least trying to. She stopped really talking to people, stopped caring about the things she had always cared about; until she noticed scars and cuts like hers on someone she knew. On several people she knew. She wasnít the only one going through this. Now she wanted to know more about it. She read up on it, she remembered that for some strange reason God loved her, that Jesus died for her, regardless of how worthless she thought she was. Knowing this had been the only thing that kept her alive. She started talking to the people around her again, talking to those who were going through what she had gone through. She realized that if God loves her, and He is perfect, then she must be worthy of his love. She had always loved him; but now, finally, she started loving herself again, too. She shared this love with the people around her, and slowly she stopped cutting, stopped scratching, and slowly, her scars healed, and her shame faded with them.

This girl is me. I am asking you to give God a chance - if you havenít already Ė and I am asking you to not be ashamed of what you find.

(you can email me if you want to, I love email. Spam sucks though. My address is hami0144@tc.umn.edu)
010408
...
Chrity go to:
i_have_words
010408
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yummyC god i am so sick of this girl. 010709
what's it to you?
who go
blather
from