love_names_itself Traveller like a child when the air is dark the panting is a part a failing strength waiting contained challenged a one way view the sleeve of escape it names itself in coupons in surprise in glass fractures an all awaiting name taking your songs taking your vitality in a village burning in a trial and balance in a circumstance crumbling wave washed finger driven 081031 ... In_Bloom Glaring at me in challenge Crushing on me to dip my chin and look away that I dared address it That I dared to contain it So now I don't use my voice Instead these words bolt free like fugitives on the run While Love is just over my shoulder 081031 ... Doar I was raped when I was 11 years old by a male cousin. it has trapped me in my own time, I'm letting this out because of my brothers in blue. I have hurt people in my rage, I have been in addiction for every day since then. I don't want to hurt anymore, I don't want anyone to hurt like I do, anymore, feel anymore like I do. That is why I come here, that is why I stall here, announcing my words, like they will heal me, when they won't. That is why I've fucked up every phone call I've made to you, trying to touch you in my despair, and it is an escaped despair I live with, I want love to touch me, so badly do I wish for it's heart, even the scent of love, the touch of love, that I beat it to the point of control. I am a good man. I am a good man, I would change everything about me, when love would enter my home. 081130 ... amy Dear Doar, your use of the word "rage" makes me think about that emotion, which I've been thinking a lot about anyway. since this is sort of group therapy time, i guess i'll share. today, i don't feel out and out rage. it's the usual low-boil. but on some days I do, although I don't recognize it as such, but my heart clenches up and my mind starts thinking up a zillion reasons why there is some sort of irreconcilable divide between me and (it could be) anybody. this takes energy, and is painful and i don't know why i do it. what's baffling to me, why do I feel this way, these horrible divides. I can't figure out which comes first, the anger or the divides. anger certainly exacerbates divides. that much is true. but maybe the divide is good and natural and it's my discomfort with it and also a childish sort of rage that keeps me in the cycle. but also, love is forthcoming and i receive it all the time, just not in the most personal of forms. that has secondary and tertiary effects of making me mad, along with the primary one, I suppose. i wouldn't know, at this point. i think, though, it's helpful to use "rage" as a descriptor, if only privately to myself. it's not just wow, you just pissed me off, it's more like, wow, this is really unfair. or, like, wow, i can't figure out why i lack certain social skills, and am very tired of trying to figure out why. in the end, i just have to accept myself. there's no other choice. if i'm a rager, then there's got to be some sort of healthy outlet, although that's easier said than done sometimes. i'm smart, but then again, i'm like really dumb, too. self-forgiveness on top of self-acceptance, and not taking any situation as a complete letdown. who knows, it might have helped me dissipate those stores of rage, making it easier to self-accept and self-forgive in the next situation. although maybe that's just grueling. or, the rage is a way to get motivation up and i just have to know how to finesse it. so maybe there are easier ways but i haven't found a lot of them. wanting love is not wrong, i tell myself, but neither is wanting to be smarter. it's weird. yes, i suppose it's a lot like wanting good teachers. those are out there, i tell myself often. it just gets a little wearying to try to find them. so that's the news from Lake Woebegone.... btw, Garrison Keillor is a wonderful salve for this sort of thing. not a good teacher really, but a good for a lot of chuckles. (prairie_home_companion on u.s. public radio) oh, i don't smoke or drink, although i have other low-grade addictions (like blather, compulsive eating) and the basic problem is still there to be sorted out in its own time. it does get better, and i'd hate to be in a haze not knowing if it had or not. but of course, i am quite anti-alcohol, so you know, get me to the nunnery or whatever. 081130 ... amy at any rate, i might not be speaking to your case at all, in which case, i'm sorry. 081130 ... Ouroboros love to you. step up. rise up. feel it deeply. let it go. release and forgive. love. and love. 081205 ... In_Bloom I saw rage on a man Once In letters so large they spread across his chest I was frightened at first for me And then I was frightened for what had been him Him in that time to receive the ink and absorb the pain of each stroke the covered up a story I didn't dare ask after And still, this man loved Passionately 090129 ... . . 090130 ... WordWhisper Drawn and Drawing still 090130 ... . as both victim and perpetrator. 090130 ... Doar this I can't feel, it is my past, but it still fuels, it still burns my head. this sense of self being, not a sense of self anymore, but I am my own self to the core of anything else. I have spent too many hours contemplating life and the outcome, that it seems like an equation, it should add up, it might add up, don't get distracted, it could add up. like a summation of your thoughts, but it is hard to think to the end, it brings doubt's of sanity. the mathematics of your thoughts or mine are baseless, when you have less than zeros to start with. . 100131 ... Lia she once said to me~ "the heart is the most amazing of all organs. It is beaten, pounded black and blue, yet it keeps on beating. Pumping. Restoring itself." Innocence always was and shall ever be. Rose-pink; your warm flush cheek. The fervent color of your perpetual heart. ~*~ 100131 ... Doar My heart has always been itself. Just a jolt, just an dire making. I have been myself, throughout each trial. Ihave been myself. but it is hard to be me, and I am not excusing every other person that has been in this position. i know. and will continue to know. My affirmation is that "I am....and will still continue to be". . 100826 what's it to you? who go blather from