absent_grief past i just realized i don't have any more grand-parents. and yet, the one who just died was never in my life, so it's felt this way for a decade. 170109 ... smallhours my only living grandparent moved to upstate maine before i was born. he ran off with his mistress, leaving my grandmother and their four children behind. my father is the oldest by a decade, and was dating my mother by then. he has been a wonderful person/husband/father, but the paths of his younger siblings have been tragic. my grandfather, his now wife of 30 years, and his new children (who are a little older than me) have come down for every family event throughout my life, but that hasn’t been too much. despite that, he is my only grandparent left and so i found myself caring about him more than i ever did before. a few months ago my boyfriend and i flew up to stay with them for a week and it was indescribably wonderful. there was a point i wouldn’t care too much if he died. now, i’d be heartbroken. i’m not sure which is better. i'm sorry for your loss, past 170111 ... .flowerock Since this blather is semi-grandparent oriented... I miss my grandparents. 3 of them are stilliving, my mom's mom, mama, passed away when I was in elementary school. She was beautiful, classic 1950's style and always well dressed and groomed. She always smelled of perfume, flowery, sweet, heavy, thick. I'm sad that I don't remember her very well beyond that. I'm not sure I remember her voice. I can see her hands moving and legs going up steps, not much else. She cooked meals for my grandpa, popop, every day. They met because she was a nurse for the army and he was a soldier, I think maybe airforce or navy, I forget that too... he loved her. She got cancer, a tumor at the base of her head or neck... it was ok for a while, they continued to go on trips and cruises but she got terrible head aches. I remember her most from that time, when she was sick and in bed and then in the hospital. Once she started treatments she turned into a shell, I don't think that she was happy and I remember the sick scent of the cancer ward, a sweet rotting smell mixed with cleaning chemicals. She could on eat or drink ice chips and I think I remember her beginning to do her best to refuse them too... maybe I made that up as a kid. The funeral was the first I'd ever been to. I didn't really understand, everyone asked if I was ok and said I must be so sad. I stepped on Graves for babies not knowing that's what they were and got scolded. It was a Jewish funeral, close family members to her got black ribbons that got cut pinned to their shirts. Some helped shovel dirt over the casket, we picked stones to leave on the head stone. My grandfather is one of the nicest men I know, soft spoken, sweet, gentle and very smart. He escaped the Holocaust with his mother and brother walking from Germany to Italy with suitcases full of worthless money to take a boat to the US where he worked for IBM, irony. He is stilliving, he remarried and seems happy again, retired. I should call him, I don't call because I feel like he thinks I walkways want money from him, there's a history of my mom wanting money from him, even trying to sue him... that's over though and I think they're friends again... My dad's parents I know better. They're born_again Christians, my grandma more than grandpa. They're very minnesota_christian, hunt_and_fish and church and grandchildren... she's was a Christian school teacher and taught kids that evolution is a lie put out by the government and that science is a religion. She told me once that she's just so sad I won't be going to heaven... thanks grandma. There are good things too. She used to rake baths with me, and cuddle me in towels after, I loved that so much. I'd sleep in the bed with her and my grandpa or on the floor next to the bed as I got bigger I didn't like sleeping alone. I still dont. My grandpa and I used to grab eachother by the shirt collar and pretend to steal eachother s noses and say "I'm gonna punch ya right in the snot locker!". I don't really call them much because I feel like I just dissapointed them by not being christian... but I should probably call them too. I'd like to visit them all... time moves regardless. I guess I miss them, I'd regret not at least talking if one of then died. I regret still not savori ng my time with my great grandma more the last time. I loved her, she's my favorite family member. Wed people watch and talk about them together and she had so many cool German things and boxes of old toys. She made apple_butter by hand and it was perfect. My grandma said that she was there when great grandpa passed away, she said that she said she wasn't ready to die yet. I'm still sad for losing her. I lost a ring she left for me, it was a ruby ring. I suspect that my ex stole it when we were together and sold it. I still have one ring I think it has hematite set in silver. 170111 what's it to you? who go blather from