please_forgive_me Mahayana i just wanted to say that im so sorry and that i wanted to apologize for everything horrible that i have ever done to you -- i should have been killed in some horrible accident by now -- my life needs to be taken away from me -- i never deserved it. i hate who i am, i hate who i have slowly become --- i detest who i see in the fucking mirror i hate how i cant make you feel and express anything but anger and hatred towards me...esp when im feeling so fucking low b/c i hurt and angered you unintentionally and when i needed you the most ... you said it best when you said "i dont care" ... "i dont care if you call -- i dont care if you dont call" you hurt and i pull you closer... i hurt and you shove me away -- i wish i could have gone back in time and changed the way i reacted towards you when you told me about helping amanda out w/her computer but i cant cuz in my failed attempts to share with you what i thought of what you did... viewed as preciousness -- i failed expressing that to you... but i am forever the fucking fool ... so i expect nothing more than what i deserve and get. all i wanted to do was express to you that i thought something was funny/cute and you took it the wrong way ... once again it is just sass making you feel stupid ... right... cuz that is exactly the kind of person that i am [isnt that right] i only live my life to make you feel stupid to reduce the only woman i have ever deeply and truly loved down to stupidity ... you are the one that says youre stupid and doubt yourself with your schoolwork while all i have ever said since day one was that you were intelligent and how beautiful/sexy i thought this was of you ... it was/is one of the many reasons i was attracted to you ...my comment im sorry that it offended you so ... that by me saying it was funny and cute that when you are having problems with your own computer that you took the time to help out a friend with even worse problems out with theirs .. you took it in the wrong way ... as if i said ... hey stupid fucker why are you even trying to help her you cant even help your stupid self ... when that was NOT what i was saying ...not at all.... i didnt even think that of you ... generally speaking im a half-way decent person with a half-way decent soul ... at least i used to think so ... but now i doubt even those few shreds of beauty & compassion i thought i had ....all i was trying to say in my fucked up --cant express myself properly way was that i thought it was beautiful/cute that you took the time to help someone even though you have difficulties with your own computer with spyware and whatnot... i thought it was very generous and compassionate thing to do ... funny because i had an image of the blind helping the blind [and to me that makes me laugh everso softly to myself b/c i find immense beauty in those images -- such immense beauty that it makes me wanna cry b/c it touches me everso deeply -- like when a baby sister does something precious you laugh softly b/c it moves you and brings you joy] and to me that is beautiful that two people can be in the same disadvantaged state or how both can need help [ie with their computers] and that you took the efforts and time to try to help was incredibly beautiful to me -- it made me fall for you even more so as a person -- my heart was beating with a passionate growing love for you b/c i thought to myself im in love with such a beautiful woman and here all i caused was fpr you to feel anger and hatred towards myself ....i was lovingly smiling [and i know you couldnt see me over the phone] and trying to honor you in some small way for what you did but it didnt turn out that way did it ... it turned out as if i was mocking you and degrading you when i have never done that -- nor never even thought that ... i could understand you thinking i was saying you were stupid if i have ever thought that of you but i havent and you know that ... i could understand you thinking i was saying you were stupid if i have ever said you were stupid but i have not. that was not the kind of person that i am/was .all i ever wanted to do from day one was to honor, love and support you unconditionally... but i cannot bear the weighty thoughts that im being viewed and treated as if im always the bad guy .. its constantness is stripping me of every tatter of self-love i ever had... of every diminutive speck of beauty i saw in myself ... i cannot bear being viewed as the hated enemy when my intentions are only true. i hate my tongue for saying the wrong words constantly... i hate my mind for being so weak that i cannot say what i feel inside when you move me .... i despise my heart for caring enough when i hurt you that i try to understand it inside and out ... by saying i dont understand how this could hurt you .. can you please tell me ... but rather than view it as your lover trying to understand you ... you take it as me being some rude bitch that only wants to hurt you ... cuz when i say i dont understand ...you translate that into me saying your feelings are wrong and youre stupid... im not that kind of person ... i never could be .. ahh hell, maybe i dont truly know who i am .. and i guess youre right im a fucking bitch and i can understand why you say you hate me ... for i hate me to ... im hopeless and destined to be nothing but a screwed up bitch that cant display her adorations and love for someone... for anyone...im a fucked up bitch that cant say in the simplest way .. what you did for amanda was precious to me and it makes me love you even more so -- noone in this world no matter how awful would ever deserve the rath and curse of what i call my love if i dont understand how what said i would throw you into a rage of anger --b/c i only meant it in the most sincere and loving way, afterwhich you attack me with vicious names and harsh words... when you emotionally wound me on purpose... all i was trying to do after you explained to me why it hurt you b/c i said it was funny/cute ... was try to discover exactly why it hurt you so that i may learn from it -- but anytime that i say "but i dont understand how me saying this to you when i meant it in a loving way i dont understand how it could make you feel stupid" ... thats when you snapped b/c rather than viewing that as me trying to be sensitive and learn from my mistakes you view it as me saying youre stupid again ... it makes you feel even more so stupid ... im not invalidating what you shared with me my love -- im trying to learn -- but i never will b/c im a failure no matter how hard i try to love and respect you i come out as a complete insensitive asshole ... i never understand how you or anyone could ever love me ... i have nothing to offer ... i dont know how to act around people which is highly evident in never saying the rights things. im a sad pathetic bitch and i never deserved you cuz all i do is hurt you. no matter how hard i try i could never be the kind of person worthy of a loving relationship ... i always come up short ... [im so fucking sorry -- im sorry] 040429 ... love & hate Well i certainly accept your apology. That was very sincere. I hope she forgives you too. I know how you feel. 040429 what's it to you? who go blather from