for_the_last_time palm for the last tide the last tide for the last tide the last for the tide last tide for the last time 050221 ... peyton this will never go away i will always be there for you just like she's for me the first never goes away it is not my fault it is not your fault it is the way humans are wired and when you_lay_in_his_warm_arms you'll think of me in the subconscious soup it'll always be there like a thorn or a stone or whatever you put it in growing up ain't easy and it ain't fun and it ain't my fault but those are the cards, darling and i know you're angry and hurt and desperately gasping for air but you should keep in mind that you thought about me what you're going to think about them so be careful because they're all shiny in the start and just human in the end in your fairy tale there are no monsters or princesses or ivory towers or dragons or heroes or knights there are just people not specks of glamour or shards of bronzed gods there are just people you should look at them and him and me and whoever else just like that because any other way is to prepare disaster so by all means hate and loathe me and spit and mock and taunt and strike but the simple fact is you conjure your own feelings and retain your own memory either you wrap your hands around the reins of your raging thoughts and take your callouses or keep your baby hands and bleed with cuts so profound that hundreds will empathize but not really care but don't point those hands at me and say "it's your fault" because it's not my fault I did not push you. EVER and no matter what you tell yourself and the blame you cast at me you'll never change that it's all a lie i wasn't in love with her when you were here i was just carrying her around like a scar on my arm from a little cat but you'll understand that soon enough when you're in love with him or whoever and inexplicably a thought or a smell or a touch will bring back that moment and as much as it is not your will the thought will come back and the melancholy will resume love just for that moment i do not presume that you will become my shrine that's not what i mean it's just a mark a burn that never goes away it just never goes away not if you're the person i thought i knew and i understand that you're angry and hurt and you can't make me that bag it's okay it hurts me very very much but i will endure that for you because i don't know what else to do i really don't because from my end you look absolutely insane and scary and it makes me think i made the right decision you look unbalanced and unhinged and volatile and well i don't want to be near you and you should be careful when you're plugging those holes that you don't find someone who indeed is worse than me because love deep down you know i was lovely to you not perfect but lovely and much more than most that much is true, i know it because i see other guys and how they treat those they love and i always refrained always from touching or tasting or going after all which cast itself at me and it was there love it was there just like for you so many don't see it that way so isolate and find comfort in those who don't know anything about you and i because they don't know anything about you and i they weren't there they are hearing only your hurt and biased version because that's what they're supposed to say "he's a liar" "he's a monster" "he's wretched and destined to be unhappy" but that's not the truth i'm getting happier everyday more comfortable with myself more confident i can speak more clearly and find more worth and find real substance i realize that in these latter days character is important to some and i'm not going to be unhappy forever and neither are you because you are beautiful unconventially and really smart and caring and awesome at making love even though i didn't pay enough attention too many times i hear you out there love i hear you just stop stop stabbing at me because it just makes me think you're diseased and that's the surest way to start on my road that's taken me so long to start to recover from 051002 ... unhinged . i have things i want to say but i know they won't come out right. i push them away because i'm afraid someday they'll have the same words to say. i remember being his angel. it's a rather faded memory now, but it's all i have to cling to. and for much time after that, i refused to believe that it could happen again because of how the first one ended. i don't want it to end like that ever again. the spring of '03 has really been the only happiness of my adult life. but if it's true that i have to wait three years in between, i don't have much longer to wait. i don't know. nothing comes out right anymore because it all sounds the same to me. i am so genuinely tired of being alone and empty. but i think maybe that's the way i'm meant to be; tired, alone, empty. i've been reduced to the friend so many times that i'm beginning to guess that's the way it should end. but that made me happy for the last time when she decided she would rather take his abuse than the love i was giving her saying no one ever loved her the way he did. when we talked for the last time, that was almost two years ago. and part of me still wishes everyday that i was still his angel. but i can't talk to him now, no i can't talk to him now. 051004 ... peyton for some reason i thought this page might be out there to touch someone somewhere 090521 ... shpaaaaaaaaaaaa shpaaaaaaaaaaaa 110228 what's it to you? who go blather from