crushes_and_nonsense Sonya I got one of those stupid e-mails saying that someone out there listed me on their list of "secret" crushes on some cheesy website. And I thought mindless addictive puzzle games were all the Internet was good for. *rolls eyes* This isn't the first time I've gotten one of these "crush" indicators, but I figure that my e-mail address was probably sold yet AGAIN by some company. Integrity and Internet don't mix it seems. If indeed there is some guy who had to list me on this site which is basically SPAM, I would never like him in return. The guys I like are very direct. Anyway, beware of these e-crush-o-matic sites! No doubt they too sell e-mail addresses. *sigh* I've gone through so many addresses. It looks like I'll have to get one more. As for having crushes...I have nothing against having crushes, but it's stupid to one have and never act on it. I can't stand people who gush on and on about someone and then they're too afraid to even talk to that person. People are completely stupid. They're too afraid to try for something more and if they get just one rejection they're ready to just give up altogether. THEN they decide to complain to their unlucky (ahem) friends about their romantic nonsense saying they don't know where they went wrong when they never even tried in the first place. If you have a crush, you better find some way to make it known and talk to the person. Otherwise don't drag your friends into your useless crap. Get the guts to go up to the guy or girl and strike up a conversation. Until you do this nothing will ever happen. 011122 ... pete heh, i'm slowly remembering how these can eat a guy whole. 070410 ... misstree i thought i had put the butterfly stomach far behind me. and in a way, i have. i can feel myself cinching into armor, trying to squish down enthusiasm and hope. reining myself in for fear of what may come next. but everywhere i turn, there are green lights and cheerleaders. i flip a card for the situation, and it's the ace_of_cups. even people whose predictions are typically dire are saying that i should go for it. so why am i so scared? if i weren't interested, i wouldn't be scared, right? is that is, is that the sticking point, that i'm afraid that mutants from the slagheap left nearly two years past will come out and slay any living thing that draws too near? a bit of uncomfortable truth there, methinks. certainly feels like it hits close to home. so often i am the one that drifts away, my interest inexplicably deadened. it took months for me to be able to fuck someone i enjoyed the company of; for a good time, it seemed the two were mutually exclusive, and no matter how much i was mentally and physically attracted to someone, my basic sex drive had a different idea, and would balk at the act. and then along came a satyr from a similar forest as i, and comfort and fun and friendship and enthusiasm much shared. and i was reminded of what Could be, of why so many fell short, and why i could make no more than an occasional meal of lovers less... what is it, then, that something? there was raw animal passion between us, a neccessary component lacking in many, but that wasn't it, not completely... i think it was the ability to slip between skins, that loa-like riding... coupled with the honest affection and strong connection, a powerful brew. but he and i aren't meant as mates, a stiff reminder that only slightly riled the slagheap mutants. and now this. what is this? why does it draw me, why does everyone say, "yes! full speed ahead! what are you waiting for?" i sputter and spout my doubts and fears, and they laugh and shove me forward, telling me i'm being silly. how can fears be silly? they're real as rock, and i've seen them destroy many a hopeful. even writing this is difficult, my body stiff as if my meat could defend me against what i might think or feel. i should have spoken more to the satyr about it, asked him to return the favor that i granted when he met his girlfriend, a dose of energy specially tailored to jump off a cliff with. where i should have enthusiasm i have fear, almost aversion, *because* of the enthusiasm that wants to surface. i did get a bit of a gift from the satyr. it wasn't the conversation, though that was grand, or the orgasms, though those were grand too, but the tender human contact, just laying together, feeling. i wasn't at ease, not completely, and i could feel the parts like locked muscles that wouldn't release. i'm scared of what happens if they should relax. i'm scared of the fact that i'm a poet, and that everything that i care about goes away, the classic fear, even though i know to my core that it's always worth it, that what was had in the meantime is priceless. i'm scared because i can feel the roller coaster starting, and because i know i can try to jump off while it's going uphill, and i know that if the slag heap mutants have their way i will, but i can see what might be in store and it fits the bill, the bigger faster louder and more than ever before that it always takes to catch me up in a whirlwind. and it seems so utterly right, the house and the couple and the performance and the insanity, and every single thing around me, says to do it, where normally i spin tenative webs out of vague coincidencs i am being beaten about the head and shoulders by things saying yes. take a deep breath, girlie. the coaster car's just getting out of the station, nerves are normal. but don't forget to gleefully anticipate a cavalvade of "wheeeee!"s. 070411 what's it to you? who go blather from