self_doubt jennifer I have to push past the ever growing fear I'm just so new to all of this 001110 ... silentbob ...and tshirts will read... " I voted for NADER and all i got was this Lousy Tshirt!" 001110 ... j_blue hm 001110 ... guitar_freak I want a nader t-shirt... 001110 ... gigolo aunt i got nader pants 001110 ... gigolo aunt no, really 001205 ... sabbie and i often thought how grand and how beautiful she was just a girling all around me and then that nasty 6th planet shattering my self dilsuion but spilling the non-secret that shes become obsessed with, that the only thing she thinks about is getting married. 001206 ... cali j Don't give it a second thought its all fear anyway...just do it and if it doesn't work the first time...try try again! 010513 ... unhinged exhausted so tired of relationships with people that point out my flaws more often than they acknowledge my greatness i am a fallible human being. i have never claimed to be perfect (for all the assholes out there that think me saying i'm buddhist implies some higher level of attainment). i am painfully aware of all of my mistakes but the mistakes do not erase the good things that i've done the good things that i am 'just because you love someone doesn't mean that you are compatible' thank you george minot 121202 ... REAListic optimIST to doubt one's self is to be willing to transcend one's own ego. It is just as important to believe in one's self. To attain a balance is to mete out one's ego and meekness when called forth to do so. 121203 ... amy moon in cappy means sssstop! a comment on three words and let's_not: soooooooooooo.... did lbj commit suicide? nevermind i hate three words. I think if sage had replied to my email asking wtf was wrong with three words with any explanation whatsoever my painful and debilitating paranoia wouldn't have risen quite so high. thanks sage. i feel so respected! which leads to another question, in my mind. do computer scientists tend to suffer from painful and debilitating paranoia that demands extraordinary compensation? if so this is a problem and i'm wondering if perhaps they can't find another way to heal themselves. i certainly do not want to "pay in" to the cycle of abuse they seem to be into... if it's not random you can say that. if it's supposed to be random but it's not and you're not sure what the heck is going on you can say that too. if it's an experiment i suppose you did say that, but it would be nice to know that it's a psychological experiment i guess because there are ethics involved and i would have made that point. if everybody on here is just a computer boy do i look stupid. robots are bigger jerks than gypsies as it turns out any kind of nonlinear payback for my trouble only makes me more upset. and love IS my greatest weakness. boo! hiss! it's probably all for the better, but: it ruined me. and no i didn't get a house and kids of the deal. and now everytime i get mad about something out of place in the logic of life my familiars' first thought is that i'm probably crazy. i told my dad that he can stop calling me "amy' and start calling me "not crazy" and that actually did work pretty well. his anger is always so unaffordable. back in the day i suppose i actually needed mine to be, too. and nowadays i should think of my mother's anger as unaffordable -- to right the universe or something -- but she still doesn't think i'm smart enough to not be crazy. so. dallas did talk about his artificial intelligence class. he was a little perplexed and not sure about it. mike talked about game theory which i think about everytime i mow the ditch. you never know why i might have deserved it. but if the reason is nonlinear you can assume that it didn't necessarily have my very own signature on the contract, of an evil nature or not, actually. and if that's the case then i don't see why i shouldn't have been let in on what was going on there. conclusion: you can't trust computer scientists. addendum: and not laughing because i wouldn't treat life so cheaply had i been able to think about it. i, amy callahan, might very well have been one in a previous incarnation..... i do resolve to get over whatever might have caused it to happen to me the way it did from 1999 onward. whatever part i'm actually guilty of i will try my best to get over and you know this whole thing is just really not worth my lost decade or whatever, but at least i know evil when i see it! that's the saving grace. and evil doesn't like that but that's because it never wants to admit something might be kind of wrong about its behavior. that's how you recognize it. it's true that i'm still not completely sure if cruel and unusual punishment is a greater evil than its more typical manifestation as ignorance of its own abuse(s). and, a masochistic habit of personality might need to be especially vigilant about what others might assume they like, or enjoy, in life. three words made me laugh with its intelligence but i sure didn't think it was funny. one thing i might have realized on drugs in college was that i didn't have psychological apparatus in place that could describe certain aspects of life as "fun" it's possible that's because i have a lot to do and i favor the funner fun that comes in the unexpected moment but that i might be kinda messed up too, do you know what i'm saying. the seagoat: but but but... (66 days till Descartes birthday! please be over and come soon, life! unless i'm guilty of shit i don't even know about, i guess! or, you know, not. ) 150124 ... fishawk Am I unknowingly doubting_myself? Is that partially to blame for this semi stagnant feeling and way_of_being? Maybe I doubt that I could progress effectively. Maybe I doubt that I would feel better if I did the things I want_and_need to do... maybe saying maybe is still being doubtful... uncertain. Self_love self_encouraging self_motivate If I write the way I want to be it may help my thoughts and actions to follow. 150124 ... fishawk Yesterday I tried to focus in the positive and progressive while talking with my coworkers. I stead of just complaining I asked what they did to change and do certain things. I got helpful friendly answers. One thing... write down five_things Iam_grateful_for every_morning. Before leaving the house. 150124 ... (Z) this is a great page. bravo, blatherskites. 150125 what's it to you? who go blather from