stagnant MercynRe dried up dreams which once made noise... lying underwater in this redneck town. 010427 ... like rain. the shadows of his room after the bottle had been drained and we had faded away into sleep. the way he hugged me before he went to bed, with a grin so wide that it couldn't be anything but fake. it's curling up into the blankets, smelling of cigarettes and alcohol, wishing that none of it had happened and knowing that if it hadn't, you'd be even more lost. searching for the truth... 010515 ... Cole a transition, at best, from progressing in one direction towards some goal, and before you have decided on the next step. I hate to bitch, but as time goes on I feel the empty, hollow space inside growing. It's as if I never really had dreams, and when I did, it was foolish. Fear is at the heart of it, I suppose, but I fear change as much as I fear being stuck. I fear the liberty as much as I fear the restraints. I don't dare move on for fear of looking back and thinking, I could have stayed in that safe haven of mediocre satisfaction. But what am I doing to myself by staying? It's not worth the discussion, in the end, since I plan no changes. That's why I don't talk about it, I only let you read about it. 041018 ... freezerkitty It started out once or twice a year. Then it was a few months in between. Then weeks. I want to change things, but how can I change when health needs and an inconsiderate family are keeping me here? I feel like everyone is just playing a big joke on me to see how long I can keep it together. 100105 what's it to you? who go blather from