breakthrough
nate Is it even possible? Could such an amazing thing, which defies all known scientific theories about the world, possibly be correct? 021106
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oh yeah i got 1 2 3 4 5 666 021106
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paige ------disclaimer, some names have been deleted to protect the innocent--------

Trust me, Paige, this is healthy. This is the only thing you can really do for yourself right now besides pray. Pray and pray and pray.

I got a lot of crying out this morning and a lot of anger too. Now Iím at workÖ with a mundane task ahead of me that should take my mind off of all of this.

Iím depressed. I havenít been able to admit it to myself, but I am really, really depressed.

Why else havenít I bought furniture or a TV for my place yet? Why am I putting that off? Why did I buy curtains that I really liked, but never hung them up? Why havenít I got my furnace fixed yet? Why am I sleeping in the cold? Because those things fuel the depression, duh.
Because if I keep my home looking so down right depressing, I can stay depressed, which is what I want!!!!! WHOO HOO!

Iím depressed. Iím fucking depressed! Me?!! Iím depressed! Again! I canít concentrate, all I focus on is the pain. I work on other stuff, but it never, ever, gets my full attention.

Iím turning to comic books and pretending that everything is okay all the time. Way to fucking go, Paige. Youíre fucking depressed again!! At least youíre not being self-destructive this time.

Well, you are, I mean the furniture and the furnace-thing are just FUCKING ridiculous!

Why? Paige. Why did you let this happen?
Go out there and do something about it, damn you.

Damn you, Paige. What the fuck is wrong with you? Why did you do this again? Why? What do you have to be depressed about? What has happened to you, really? Why do you look in the mirror and not think youíre attractive? Why are you pushing everybody away? Why didnít you get your furnace fixed? Why donít you have anything in your place? Why are you a husk, a ridiculous, pitiful husk of a person? Why havenít you been listening to yourself and doing the things you tell yourself to do? That voice inside lets you knowÖ it lets you know when youíre heading that way. You have to beat this. You canít let them beat you. What the fuck is wrong with you? Why did you do this to me? Why? Paige!!! Youíre fucking killing me here!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What is soooooo wrong with just not having any man to love you, ever?!????!!??

Youíve got God. Youíve got Jesus. Youíve got your mom. Youíve got your cats and your dogs and your friends-who are infatuated with you and make you feel uncomfortable and dirty. Youíve got your ex who wants to get back with you for all the wrong reasons. Youíve got that idiot _________ who thinks youíre some security blanket that can be discarded under the bed whenever he doesnít need you. Your life is great!!!!!!!!!!!!

What about this job? What about this damn job? You want to help people and you feel ďstuck behind the deskĒ. You donít have enough authoritative figures telling you youíre doing the right thing, or the wrong thing, telling you what to do- period-. Youíve gotten no real constructive criticism since you started working here! You just get a lot of ďthatís goodĒ. ďGood jobI swear, I sit back here on my ass and write all this crap and bunches of e-mails and blathes on blather and they donít even fucking pay a damn bit of attention! And Iím not doing any good here! There are things I could be doing that would be productive, but it DOES NOT feel like this mundane task is one of them.

April Landers! Why havenít I called her yet? Why? Because I donít want the fucking feeling of accomplishment that will come if I call her. I donít want to feel like I got anything done here! I want to feel like this job is pointless and Iím ALL WRONG for the position.

I mean, I canít stand senior citizens, because I always think of my mom and dad. They were over the age of 55 most of my life. I always think of seniors as stuck in their ways, scary, small-minded, and unmoving. I have to help all the seniors in this community, and I canít bring myself to want to on any given day. Isnít that great?

I donít want my job!! Fuck!! I donít want my new home!! My job! My life!
I just want to sit in a hole, in my barren, depressing trailer of a hole with my comic books and my cats for the next year and a half, sucking away my inheritance like a teet and

THAT WOULD MAKE ME FEEL BETTER, EH???????

Just throw the only POSSIBLE sources of happiness and good feeling in my life right down the drain! Iíve been deliberately ruining this job. Iíve been deliberately not doing a good job at this job. Deliberately didnít call April Landers, cause I knew sheíd answer and I knew Iíd really accomplish one of the goals in my work-plan by talking to her. It has felt like FEAR. Itís fucking felt like FEAR!! I have been AFRAID to call her. I have been AFRAID to accomplish something. I have been AFRAID to buy furniture because it might actually make me feel better.
And when youíre depressed you do everything you can to not feel better.

Thatís what prescription drugs are for. They give you the excuse- so you donít actually work on your problems at all yourself. You donít have to deal with your own shit, let the drugs do it. Youíre too afraid to make all these confessions to yourself and youíre EVEN MORE AFRAID to actually do something about these confessions once youíve made them!!! How cool is that? How fucking cool is that? I should go get some happy-pills that have never made a single person happy. Cause then, Iíd get the chance to shirk the responsibility of dealing with my own shit!!!!!

the end.
051118
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Risen I had a real breakthrough last night.

I am in_love_with_love - that is my problem. It has never been one of cheating, or going after exes or anything else. Not the wanting what I cannot have. It is deeper than that, and at the root of it all, I am in love with love.
160201
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unhinged i am chronically ill. other people in my life don't understand my chronic illness. gentleness needs to prevail for all sides to reach a conclusion that is healthy for me.

(thanks toni bernhard)
160201
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