the_shoe_fits_on_both_feet perfectly_chaotic Today I realized yet another one of my hypocritical character traits. I do not want to count the number of times that I have been rejected by a woman only to later hear her complaining about being alone; complaints that they will never find anybody who will love them. I would always think to myself "I am here, right in front of you. Perhaps you are just too damned picky." Today I have worn the shoe of the other foot. There is a woman who is interested in me for all the wrong reasons, but I find her boring. Today I was thinking to myself "I will never find anyone, I am destined to spend my entire life alone." Then I realized the irony. Will I ever find someone I am interested in who will also find me interesting, or am I destined to forever be left only wanting what I cannot have? 110106 ... unhinged cultivate_compassion on_contentment we all suffer, so we shouldn't fling shit. romantic comedies and hollywood romances in general are five tons of bullshit. finding an even close coincidence of feelings between people is fucking rare indeed. i lived with a boy for almost two years who the first time he ever got drunk proceeded to tell me how much he 'liked' me and everytime i complained about the boys in my life i could see the retort in his eyes. i tried not to complain about the assholes but sometimes it was inevitable. by the end of our stint as roommates i could see the reply on the tip of his tongue but it never came out of his mouth. if he was an asshole, i'm sure he would have said 'what the fuck is your problem? i'm awesome and i want to be with you' i'm glad he has a girlfriend now that's not me. i would have scarred that boy; in more ways than one. 110106 ... perfectly_chaotic Not sure what you are getting at with the flinging shit part, I do realize that we all suffer though. That is the first noble truth after all. After reading what I wrote yesterday I also realize that my mind was weaving quite the plot again... Sometimes, it is very difficult to notice when I am doing that. Othertimes, I see what I am doing but lack the inner-strength to stop myself. As a matter of fact I just deleted what I was going to initially type because I realized how crazy I was sounding... On a side note: I wish I had learned earlier in my life not to always say everything I think, because things are oftentimes not how my mind first makes them out to be. When I think about it harder, I believe what I was getting at in my blathe yesterday was that people often seem to only want that which they cannot have. This includes myself. Contentment is not easy to achieve. In the romance department I am not usually content with what I have and am not usually content with what becomes available to me. I am not interested in this girl. Perhaps, its because I am irritated with her great interest in my past. It could be that she also said I am the only buddhist she has ever spoken to, she had never even heard of buddhism before meeting me, so I am afraid of becoming a novelty of a sort. Maybe I am being ridiculous and should give her more of a chance, but something inside me says it is a bad idea. 110107 ... unhinged i was just reminding myself of the suffering, flinging shit thing. i had a bad month at work last month and i felt attacked so i neglected to see the other side of it. then earlier this week, i had lunch with a coworker who is a manager at the store and he reminded me about the perception paradox. if i can take responsibility for my actions, others should take responsibility for their perceptions. fine line; the shoe fits on both feet. but rather than get so upset, i should take the middle path. usually i'm pretty good at looking at all sides, but sometimes my emotions still overtake me. which is the same for everyone. *sigh* i had the same thing with being a buddhist novelty in someone's life that i dated this year. something about him also irritated the shit out of me. he started going to my meditation center ALL the time and is even more committed to the place than i am, because he's a member now. i guess i could be flattered or happy that i helped him find a path that works for him. but for some reason it's just irritating. 110107 ... perfectly_chaotic Sounds like the job has been tough for you. Hopefully the New Year brings about some positive changes on that front. After further deliberation, I think I am, in fact, being ridiculous. Sometimes, I forget other people are also just as nervous as I am when it comes to new people. For reasons I cannot recall I did tell her I am a buddhist, but small talk is awkward and it is always easier to ask someone about a topic you know they are familiar with than it is to guess what might interest them. Worse case scenario, maybe I help her find a path that works for her and have to deal with some irritation. Regardless, something will irritate me no matter what so I guess it is not that big of a deal. I need to remember that the dharma does not belong to me. If I find it helps me, although sometimes I feel as if it has made me crazier than ever, who am I to say that it won't help someone else. Plus, maybe if I weren't being so ridiculous i would not be sitting here alone on a Friday night. 110107 what's it to you? who go blather from