unhinged maybe i should have titled it
what you meant to me
rather than

it's different now
unhinged i'm shriveled again without_you 050716
unhinged i remember the day i met you. even the clothes you had on. you put on that same shirt the other day and it reminded me of it. the day i met you; 3/21/05. i remember the date because i had taken my theory comprehensive exam that day. my brain ached with flexing parts and knowledge that had long gone unused. i was sure that i had failed. and everything else in my life at that time seemed like a monumental failure. i was in the deepest part of my depression over that asshole ryan, my naivete and selfhate creating a horrible combination of longing and depression that didn't want to be solved. i had effectively isolated myself from the world when i didn't have to be in it. and for some reason, al had called me asking to hang out; i think i needed him to take me to the airport the next day and we hadn't hung out in so long that he called me up. i got super high before he came to pick me up and then he said we had to pick up some other people on the way home. you got in the car and immediately started to fuck with me because i introduced myself: 'hi, i'm stoned.' (and when i think about it, our irreconcilable differences were there from the start. i believe in blunt honesty and you believe in subtle mindfucks. but i guess we use both methods to the same end; to gain entertainment out of human interaction.) and i kept following you outside to the balcony to have a smoke. the whole spring break i spent at home, i couldn't stop thinking about you. my heart even flopped over a couple of times. even earlier in the day of the day i met you, i felt so hopeless that i thought my heart was going to be dead for a long time. but you made it flop over again when i least expected it.

probably about two weeks later, i ran into you in the music building and we decided that we were going to smoke together at your place. that is what we have done ever_since; smoked together. you reminded me that my heart was still alive when i had fallen to a new depth. i didn't choose to need you that way or feel you that way. it just happened. and it became almost immediately apparent that you were not able to feel that way about me ( cut_and_run ) so i kept my feelings stuffed inside of me. there was no reason to admit what i knew couldn't be returned. but sitting next to you makes me feel better. while at the same time, it makes me feel worse because once again i have feelings for someone that won't be returned.

i still wish like i did since the beginning that we could be cuddle friends. not the whirlwind of passionate love, but the warm embracing waters of physical and emotional friendship. like the way small children hold each other's hands, hug, kiss.

you had to go and hug me.
unhinged you may just have been my last steps on the bridge that on one side i was naieve, gullible, innocent, not afraid to fly
to cynical, bitter, afraid, shut_in .

there are parts of me that i miss desperately.
unhinged i was relieved when no voicemail showed up. you were just a dick to fuck.

he tried to convince me to call you for something to smoke. i couldn't follow through.
unhinged you were the latest lesson
in learning how to let_go

the next time someone tells me to
run the other way
i'll listen)
poet what you mean to me? i cant really say

but what you meant to me?

shit im still reeling from the feeling of your absence
cause its a big change
and it was a long time
and fuck we were young...

but what did you mean to me?
cliched though it may be
you meant everything to me
when you were hurting... i wanted to help you so badly
i think its taken until now for me to understand just what you were going through
cause i don't think i ever did get it
you were just this little ball radiating pain and hurt that i couldn't figure out what to do with
and it hurt me to see you hurting so much
and i loved you so much
and you loved me SO MUCH
you were
so intense
and your life was basically a nightmare...
but i was there for you to help you
every day
i was there for you to cry on
but after a long time being the only outlet in your world of pain had a toll on me
i feel like im still scarred from it.
you still meant everything to me... but you couldn't help yourself and i didn't know what to do to help you...
you DIDN'T WANT to help yourself, you were anti social to the extreme, you'd always rather it be just us
and our time together changed me as a person
in both good and bad ways
but i couldn't continue letting you drag me down
it had to end
but i wish we could still be friends...
i wish i had been able to help you
maybe you've helped yourself by now, i hope so...

so maybe this is karma taking revenge on me, scrambling my brain and making my life a living hell because i abandoned you?
ironic that ive become the recluse
fuck fuck fuck fuck shit fuck
birdmad each one meant something a little different, and even if it ended badly, each is remembered with some degree of fondness

(might be part of my overall problem, but hey...)
unhinged i saw you in a crowded restaurant
sitting alone at the bar
i was with the man i love now
holding his hand
i didn't bother to say hello
what's it to you?
who go