about_not_friends_who_would_find_me_a_job re_alisma look, universe, i get it. i'm doing something wrong to attract not_friends! however i'm still willing to ask not_friends if they've got advice about how i can find a job! that not forthcoming, i will, of course, keep twiddling my thumbs like a good person. a person truly can't even teach, teach what they know, in this cultural climate. but you can teach what needs to be known because there's always a lot of catching up that people need to do. in other words, you can be really progressive and really way ahead and be of no use, socially, or you can be just a little ahead and be a teacher, which, is never a great position, socially, either, but it's something, if you find a subject that suits you. i CAN be reasonably happy with where i'm at. i have no issue with tutoring, as something to do. it's just that there's no health insurance. i guess that's the main thing. any above-rent-and-car-and-food money you get would have to go to health insurance, if i even qualify for that with a pre-existing condition (which doesn't technically exist anymore) and everything. although that might have changed. i don't know because i haven't applied for individual health insurance recently. i'm looking into a new subject to teach, not tutor, along the same lines that i've been in before but as yet unexhausted. honestly i would rather have some easier computer job doing computer tasks and making that paycheck. so, if anybody has that job and wants to give it to me, I'll take it! from a friend, or a not-friend, or a pure neutrality, doesn't matter! aside from the job-situation, it's not hard to be my friend, initially, but i pretty much never tolerate being talked down to, because a) life has already kicked too hard, and b) i really don't think i deserve it. so, i've had old friends that disappeared, which is bad, and i also had old friends that were demeaning and demoralizing to me, whom i'm not interested in putting on my dance card any longer. so it didn't work, it got too hard, look, it happens, but it does require that people not continue relating along the same lines, so i figure it needs a lot of time, and also there's a chance that these relationships can repair themselves in future lives. really quite logistical. i'm sitting around twiddling thumbs and others have careers and families, so we quite naturally disconnect, but it IS up to me to not cut people slack if they're not willing change it up and talk to me like i am some sort of deserving person. so the idea is to move on and find other people but not to get into something that's just the same thing all over again. beginner's mind is really my only option in the whole relate-to-others category. (there i go using Buddhism uber-practically again! and i'm not 100% sure that that's a good thing! i'm still hammering that out!) (and i never accept the maybe-it's-you thing for practical reasons, as well, simply because i have to maintain my self-esteem "bank balance", not deplete it. and being perpetually misunderstood is a horrible thing, requiring a lot of self-construction and self-reconstruction to find matches that work and one just has to get exhausted with that, give up, and go with a good self-concept regardless) so whatever i don't care if people want to be friends or not be friends, and i probably shouldn't tell them where i think they stand but i guess i do want to be significantly more clear about it in my own head than i may have been when i was younger and more ignorant of sorry situations. i'm not opportunistic: i've come far enough in life i could die tomorrow and not regret it. although it would be a shame not to have a good time in the time remaining if it that is, in fact, available to me, so i don't want to have an ungrateful attitude either, so i'm open! i'm, like, really, really open and available and limited only by wear-and-tear exhaustion. and maybe a not-good brain chemistry for being somebody that's would be considered "good company". i kinda think i might be limited on that level. a little dorky, a little shy, a little "off", but mostly just kind of incapable (-ish) of pulling off a consistent personality. it probably would've been better to have come to these more advanced social conclusions when i was 24, or maybe even 15 (because i really gave no thought to social things until my 30s, seriously), who knows! but then i wouldn't be who i am today! oh yay self-esteem! this is way too long, and i'm sure nobody can care to read it, and i say that about 85% non-passive-aggressively. i have to remove cynicism for new people, and tell the old people "see you later", as in, not this lifetime. barring extraordinary patch-up energy that i'm not anticipating on any level, even during mercury retrograde. mostly because these old friendships don't seem to much authentic presence in retrospect. but hey, the future! the far future, which i am of course really into! 110819 ... no reason 'and i never accept the maybe-it's-you thing for practical reasons, as well, simply because i have to maintain my self-esteem "bank balance", not deplete it.' hmm... guess this way of thinking is more common than i'd thought. maybe that's why people refuse to acknowledge things are their fault, even if deep down they know it to be true. (not referring to you, re_alisma, just_saying) also i think consistent personalities are overrated as for a job, maybe look into internships first? they're very very likely to turn into jobs, or at least help in getting jobs, in my experience. (want to be an intern at a publishing company? ha. it's so hard to even find an intern because everyone's moved onto work.) 110819 ... re_alisma Speaking for myself, I think it is true that I'm a bit of a blamer, but yeah, I think it's also true that I can't take 100% responsibility for what has gone wrong, even if nobody else can really take it on either. So I guess I do think it is natural for people to absolve themselves of guilt when it is clearly being over-placed in their direction. But I also think the opposite: when people don't want to take on any responsibility they need to be held accountable by those that can see clearly that there's room for growth and improvement. Sorting all that out is such a confusing task that it's no wonder that people fail to keep their relationships authentic so much of the time, and simply choose to walk away when the going gets tough. I would LOVE to be an intern at a publishing company! That's no money, though, right? Hmm. I'd have to save money up, then. Worth thinking about and saving over, possibly.... 110819 what's it to you? who go blather from