Last night, my friend Jamie and I had a nice, long conversation. It was at the cast party; we had a campfire. Eventually the fire died; people got colder. I’m an affectionate person. I sit very close to certain people who happen to be boys- Russ, Ryan, Tucker, Josh, and Jamie. It wasn’t until I sat with Jamie that I felt sick…
Everybody knows about me and Noah. Jamie asked me what I would think if Noah were sitting all cuddled up with a girl. I said as long as I knew she was just a friend, I’d be ok with it. Then he said something that got me thinking.
“It just bothers me that I know what you smell like, and he doesn’t.”
Then it bothered me too…
I wish Noah were here.
After that I thought it was time for a cigarette. I got up and walked over to behind Russ. I put my head down on his shoulder, and I cried. I’m a bad person…
Jamie and I sat in his car smoking and talking and sitting in silence between comments that made our conversation.
“Do you think I’m a bad person?”
“I don’t think you’re a bad person. I just…”
“I feel sick.”
I don’t want to hurt Noah. That’s what his last girlfriend did, and I’ve promised him I’d never hurt him.
“I don’t like the way you worded your question earlier.”
“You asked me what I would think if Noah was the way we were. You didn’t ask how Noah would feel if he knew I was that way… You made me think of myself first; I should have thought about him.”
“Seeing the way you were with Russ and Tucker tonight- When we did have something, in Dallas Center when you said it felt good to be close to me, tonight made me think that I wasn’t any different. You could have been close to anybody.”
“But, when we did have something, it was different when I was close to you than if I’d been close to Russ then. You know?”
He didn’t really say anything more about that.
“Do you think, not really in a sexual way, but in a sense-do you think I’m a slut?”
“You take your flirting a little far…”
Russ is like a brother to me. Tucker, Ryan, and Josh-they’re all friends-brothers-not romantic interests. I sit with them the way a girl would sit with their grandpa or dad or uncle or something…dad…all those studies of girls who grow up without a father around-they’re true. We do seek male acceptance more so than other girls…
I fake fight with them-wrestle-whatever. I do the same with my uncles and cousins.
I should stop. They aren’t my brothers or family members…
Our conversation changed.
I asked him, “Do you agree that there’s a difference between ‘love’ and ‘in love?’”
“There are different love’s. Like, I love Russ, in that brotherly sort of way. I love my mom…She’s my mom…”
“Have you been in love?”
“To me, in love is like you would marry that person. You have absolutely no doubts… If the seven days with Noah go well, I won’t have any doubts… Love is like you would die for that person. I would die for a lot of people. In love, is you would live for that person. I haven’t lived for anybody, but if that week with Noah goes well, I could live for Noah.”
“I don’t mean this in a jerky way-but what’s special about Noah?”
“Would it be stupid if I said I didn’t know?”
“That’s up to you…”
“Do you know what it was about Katie?”
He knew, and he told me, and I felt stupid because I didn’t know about Noah.
“People have said to me before, that it isn’t about how you feel about that person, but how they make you feel.”
“How does he make you feel?”
“Safe…Comfortable…and cautious because I don’t want to hurt him… I want to make him feel safe and comfortable too, because he deserves it…”
“But lust can make you feel the same way. That fades. That’s how I felt about Katie at first too. Then I got confused and fucked it up.”
“How long did you think like that with Katie?”
“About a year…”
I’ve been talking to Noah since October. It’s May.
“I almost felt the same with Chris. At first, I could see myself with him; that’s why I was with him. But I knew we were both really young, and that we would change, and we may or may not change together. We changed. We didn’t change together. As much as I loved Chris, I still had doubts. I don’t have doubts now…”
“Do you believe in soul mates?”
“Like there’s one person for everybody?”
“Not like that-like my friend Jen and I-we’re soul mates. We’ve been friends for years, and we will always be friends.”
“I don’t think there is perfection.”
“Well of course there’s always compromise, but your soul mate is the one there’s the least amount of need for compromise…does that make sense?”
I know there isn’t “perfect” in the dictionary sense. I have my own idea of perfect though.
“Wouldn’t it be easier to find somebody you don’t have such a hard thing to do?…”
“You mean with the distance? Why don’t I find somebody here.”
“Well not even here. In Missouri next year or wherever…”
“I don’t want to.”
“Good answer…not that there’s a wrong answer, but you know what I mean.”
“Yeah…I just want him. Jen asked, that if starting now, there was no Noah, if I couldn’t see him, talk to him, anything-just know that he existed-how long would it take for me to get over him…”
“But when are you ‘over’ somebody?”
“That’s why I said I don’t know. That and because I didn’t want to think about being without Noah…”
We sat for a while…
“Jen also asked me once if I could be happy in a trailer park… If I were with the right people…I could be.”
We sat for a while longer…
“I like knowing little things about him. His favorite cereal is Fruity Pebbles. He likes white meat on chicken.”
“But you know those sort of things about me-about Tucker-about Russ…”
“No I don’t.”
“I hate Fruity Pebbles. I can’t stand Fruity Pebbles. He was sort of disappointed by that until I told him that then he didn’t have to worry about me eating his Fruity Pebbles. He can eat the white meat. I’ll eat the dark. But we’d only have to buy one bottle of dressing because we both like Italian. I want to know things about him-little things like that. Like whether or not he leaves his towel on the bathroom floor. I know he doesn’t snore because I asked his friend Derek…but if he did I wouldn’t care. I won’t care if he leaves his towel on the floor. I won’t care if he puts a spoon in the fork slot in the silverware drawer. I just want to be with him…”
“Well it sounds like you’ve got your side figured out. If he feels the same…then you guys have a fairy tale…”
“I hope he does…”
Then I started laughing…
In the show we just finished, my character is a personal secretary. At a point in the show I’m explaining to my boss that I’m in love…”I keep laughing to myself all the time, but there it is. What can I do about it? I’m in love.” I didn’t get that line until last night…
I was just laughing…I was happy-so I laughed.
“I’m sorry. I sound silly for laughing…*laugh*…but I just got this picture in my head…*laugh*…and it’s really corny…but I like it. I just picture me in some ratty old nightgown, making pancakes in some tiny trailer kitchen…*laugh*…and Noah coming out of the bedroom with his hair sticking out all over-bed head-and morning breath…And the pancakes are burning-because we’re not paying attention to the pancakes…we’re just dancing with each other to the music in our heads in our tiny trailer kitchen…”
The sun was starting to come up at this point…
“I think that’s a good thought to end the night.”
“*laugh*…Yeah…*laugh*…Thank you, Jamie…for making me think…”
i don't leave my towel on the bathroom floor.
I read this when you first posted it. Because you gave me the link. It makes me sad to read it now.
what's it to you?