let_the_mayhem_begin daf Well, it ended today. There is no doubt about it, and it's not reconcilable, at least not from my end. So that's that and now its time to start over again. It hurts, but I'm no stranger to pain. Particularly not this sort. No, I'll make it, keep chuggin along and trying to do right by the people in my life, reciprocation is desired, but not required. I've been without it for so long. 050828 ... Dafremen Ohhhh the pain. MY gawd this smarts. My son is crying, I'm crying. The only ones that aren't crying are the perpetrators. They don't care. They never had any intention of sticking around when the chips were down. This makes time number two. A man works and sweats and slaves. He provides everything including emotional support, love and understanding. So many ladies posing out there. So many ladies clamoring for a genuine guy, for a sincere guy. Not a pushover or a wimp or a puppet. But still, a partner who works with you and for you. So many ladies claim they want it. That's number two that left when the money dried up. (Why do you think the money keeps drying up?) For richer or poorer, in sickness and in health...til death do us part..unless the money dries up. Stop talking the talk unless yer willing to walk the walk ladies. And if yer not capable of a genuine committment, hey, there are worse things than being a moneygrubbing f*ckbag. 050828 ... dafremen Sat down to write something profound and wordy when I realized that there are no words left. What remains to inspire that could come from a deflated heart? I have no great profundities anymore. You'll get no stoic, martyr's end from me. I screamed like a bitch upon my execution. I scream once a moment every moment of the day. I scream twice a moment every half moment of the evening until I am exhausted from screaming. Until I am emptied of screams and nothing remains but hope and pain, with hope batting 5th. With hope, right now the liar that screwed me. Hope is my best friend caught redhanded in my wallet today. Hope is PAIN today. So I cannot cry another drop. Just squint until my tear ducts pucker and bleed because the tears have been cried away. I am all out of tears and have begun crying these words to mask what I do not want to hear. What drowns out the sound of dying dreams? 050829 ... stork daddy force yourself to watch something absurd and whimsical. then look at your son. repeat. i hope everything works out daf. 050829 ... dafremen I once fancied myself a writer, you know. I once thought of myself as a poet, songwriter and artist. I am a fool playing charades and may our friend of a dozen question marks live long and prosper for the pricelessness of his illuminating insights. What WRITER doesn't know something as simple as the limits of his own ability with words? What POET isn't aware of the inadequacy of words to express human emotion? Yet here I am, pompous shit-for-brains that I am, writing something, hoping to express (like you express a cyst) this pain. Please, please go away. Somewhere in a forest 10,000 years ago, some primitive's hand slaps inconsolantly against the surrounding vegetation. The rage apparent in the straining sinews of his neck and arms, his screams unabated, echoing and crashing into the surrounding hills. And he is whole one day, soon. He is cured, his pain born unto the world that impregnated him with it. But you JAIL me if I break and COMMIT me if I scream. You ticket me if I drive too fast, grab me by the collars and say "Better put that pain in check...boy." Fuck you. Fuck you and your worthless system of control that seals in the pain and loneliness of an entire race. Fuck you when the bubble bursts all over you and your children are killing themselves and one another. Fuck you. Fuck you and fuck this pain. 050830 ... daf Working out curling my pitbull is helping. Emails about astrology are helping. Smoking silly and copious quantities of weed is helping. Crying is helping. Brushing my teeth is helping. Friends are REALLY helping. (Thank you my dearest and best friends do0d, Aimee, P&C. RO to you too..my heart is each of yours always in humblest and deepest gratitude. Having managed to somehow surround myself with only the finest caliber of human beings such as you, truly I am a blessed man, no matter what my circumstances. When one can say that they reached as deep, strove as hard, cared as sincerely as you have for another's condition, then truly, that one can be called friend. Thank you again, my friends. I love you all very much.) And yes, you've helped too, stork. With your armor leaned against the wall on the other side of the room and your hand extended. Thank you too my friend. I guess we both know something about each other that we could have only suspected until now. 050830 what's it to you? who go blather from