i_feel_like_i_have_failed jane like my whole life is a lie, a failure. i never seem to get what i strive for. and then the things i don't want seem to fall into my lap. if a situation arises and i don't like where i stand, i move on anyways and it ends up blowing up in my face my fault? i don't even know anymore. people who used to try to make me happy have given up. people who used to like me don't. and people who think i am intriguing still think so, but no doubt they have seen my difficult side. 020817 ... stork daddy let me confirm it. you have failed....to convince me of your failure. oooh good save i'm soo smooth. you seem soooo cool to me. i wish we could share something really profound and lasting, like pancakes at ihop or mutual masturbation. and then we could sometimes get the urge to call one another but we'd squelch it because it was too special to ruin by trying to relive it. i feel like i have failed to convey what i really mean. 020817 ... jane you haven't failed to convey what you mean...i understand completely. and what's to stop us from trying it - besides the fact that i don't trust ihop food - but there are plenty of other places analogous to ihop...if you know what i mean... 020817 ... stork daddy my first instinct is to be hurt that one could even compare ihop to other establishments based on the mere coincidence that they serve pancakes and eggs and bacon at 2 in the morning. my second instinct is to say mmmmm grand slam. 020906 ... eklektic [me]: so peter, are you going to homecoming? [peter]: hmm...i dont know just yet. i mean, homecoming's not that big of a deal to me. jr/sr is big though. [me]: yeah, but you're a senior. you gotta go to homecoming and jr/sr. [peter]: this is true, even if only to make an appearance. [austin]: are you talking about homecoming? [me]: yeah. [peter]: what do you think? is it important? [austin]: nah. not really. i mean, it's not important at all really, but i'm going anyway. [peter]: (chuckle) [austin]: i mean, alison was like "you're taking me to homecoming." and i was like "uh...ok." so... [me]: whatever...pretty much. i guess there's no need to ask mr.bechtel or mr.mcsparren for their help, now do i kate? why are the bombs always dropped on me on fridays. 020906 ... reitoei you have. more importantly you fail to accept your failure. 020907 ... syrope and i havent even tried yet... 020907 ... jane stork daddy what are your third and fourth instincts? 020907 ... stork daddy my third and fourth instincts would sometimes seem the same to some. some would go so far as to group them up into one big instinct. but, with the night so long, and fields of diamonds in the sky, we have time for slight distinctions. 020925 ... jane you don't cease to amaze me... 020925 ... stork daddy probably because i never started amazing you right? 020926 ... positive you make me sad. I know how you feel. Perhaps there is too much moving on, and not enough dealing? I know that might sound weird, but sometimes humans think that if something happens, they can just ignore it and keep moving...on. Basically it blows up in their face. Maybe the people who you think have "given up" are just at a lose of words to try to console you. People can only bring you so far, the rest is up to you. To change, to amend, to hurt, and then to move beyond 020926 ... Mahayana words relating to the voluntary powers new relationship-al policies intend to replace the failed ones of past administrations. [her|her2|her3] [her2|her|her3] [her3|her2|her] Step forward with LF (S) passionate ideals Step forward with LF (S) Step forward with RF (S) insecurities Step forward with RF (S) Step forward with LF (Q) individual volition Step side right with RF (Q) Slide the LF to the RF slowly and touch the LF next to the RF with the left heel slightly up (S) ANTAGONISM Slide the LF to the RF slowly and touch the LF next to the RF with the left heel slightly up (S) [her3|her2|her] [her2|her|her3] [her|her2|her3] Abbreviations: RF Right Foot LF Left Foot (S) Slow Step ||2 beats of music|| (Q) Quick Step |1 beat of music| Her strength failed her. Failed to wash the memories. Rusted girders failed and caused the partnership to collapse Conditional antagonism The winged bolt failed. failed to fulfill each others promises Each [her] represents a beat of music 020926 ... jane no, stork daddy, i actually meant it. but don't worry, you can take it any way you want 020927 ... jane + [positive] i know what you mean thank you 020927 ... Kate I am disappointed that I did not, that I do not, run races like I am capable. I know certain things that I can and cannot do--I've done them at practice, at speed workouts; I've sprinted up many a hill and ran further than any other girl on the team--so why do I not run like that during a race? I almost cried, again, before the race. The culmination of happiness and proudness and nervousness makes me a little glassy-eyed. I keep thinking too much--thinking too much about the soreness, about the other teams, exaggerating pressure to do well. But I do want to do well. I always want to do well. But I didn't do well today--if only I could have been ten seconds faster, then I would have gone the fastest I've ever gone... if only I wasn't seventh on the team. I started out first, then third, fourth, sixth... then seventh. The scoring five are precious places, the tie-breaking sixth glimmers, but seventh... seventh means that I gave up somewhere in the race, seventh means I wasn't fast enough, seventh means that my miles, my consistant fourth places in speed workouts, my effort--it feels it was for naught when those girls who didn't do those miles, who were behind me as we sprinted up the hills, when they run faster. I am not jealous, I just want to run what I'm capable of. So today, on September 28, 2002, between 10:00am and 10:21:19am, I feel like I have failed. 020928 ... blamethesky every fucking day of my life 020928 ... stork daddy it was me failing all along. i'm sorry you became the extension of myself that i treat so wrongly. 031019 ... myriadmoods I feel like I have failed, ONLY because I have SINNEd before my LORD, JESUS CHRIST, banish the evil ones, save the wretched, love the losers and sorrowful"winners", praise God, as he gives us this chance to "fail", as we KNOW that we are saved only through the BLOOD of CHRIST, and the SACRED HEART OF JESUS, and the immaculate heart of Mary his mother who he gave to every single human being at his death on the CROSS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 040217 ... x valium, anyone? 040217 ... love & hate Like my entire life is a failure because i failed her. I failed love, now i am failing living. I am a failure but i wish to change if she just let me. 040509 ... three words soviet i_feel_like_i_have_failed watchtower 100830 ... unhinged your_love_is_distant must be my fault 100830 ... unhinged my_turn_to_go every time you wish me well my heart boils over shame guilt tired_of_being_alone 100831 what's it to you? who go blather from