dear_grandpa Ouroboros thank you for being on this earth. thank you for your choices. thank you for your opinions. thank you for moving to la so that we were a part of each other's live without 3000miles between us. thank you for your hugs. for coming to heidi's unveiling. for being so kind (most of the time). i am sad that you didn't make it to my graduation, because i know that you wanted to be there. i'm sad that your body stopped working. i am really grateful that you lived for so long, that you were a part of my life for so long- and that i had you and baba there as i grew up. i remember when you lost your chain in the ocean. calling me (our private joke) your favorite granddaughter. and i appreciate you concern over my and jonathan's futures- although i don't see myself working at walmart or being a lawyer. thank you for telling me about the whorehouses when you were overseas in the marines- and how they supplied condoms for everyone. these words don't do you justice and i'm sorry i didn't call more. especially when you were reaching out by calling and emailing. i am so glad we got those family photos taken. i'm sorry i didn;t know you better, but- i know you loved me and that you knew i loved you. maybe that's enough- i don't know. 060629 ... the dark heart of birdmad If you're up there, if you can hear me, couldn't you and grandma have done found something better to do than conceive Uncle Pete that night so long ago? I swear i'm gonna send that old pendejo back to Chicago in either one box or several if he moves against my brother or me again. Don't wait up for him, he's not going where you are. if either place exists, he'll be waiting for me when i get where i figure i'm going 060629 ... misstree are you proud of me? i'm proud of myself, but when i realized the other day that you knew it all, that you'd seen every little moment... the thought of ancestors watching over us loses a little appeal during some of life's more interesting times, and i'm sure that, as you are not me, a lot of it was rather, um, shocking. but i believe that such vision would be broadening, that such petty taboos are stripped with the shedding of meat and earth, that true natures are seen through the veil. if that is the case, i know that you are proud of me. 060629 ... camille I miss you...you know you weren't supposed to go first. I would have gladly taken your turn. Grandma needed you.. but then... it wasn't long before she followed. A year maybe. Now you are painting beautiful sunrises and sunsets and you move the ocean like cereal in my bowl. I rock it to and fro being all the more careful to not go over the edge. Your life seemed so simple why did life have to get so complicated. You had land...a farm with sheep. First your eldest moved away to marry the man of her dreams. She was your mainstay she helped with all the chores..one by one they left for their dreams as your dream drifted like a mist in a dusty breeze pulled by desert blooms. All your children like tree seeds collected in the same place you soon followed like a river. You sold your land curtained by mountains. Quite a distance you moved, from anything including yourself.. I will never forget the day they moved the two story house you bought to our neighborhood. The house seemed so huge and I wondered how they managed to move it, yet didn't really care. Now you were next to me...just across the street. Would you say it was a good trade...quiet valley for a noisy neighborhood... closer to us. I own your coffee cup, that's all i requested when they seperated my memories of you. I still use your old phrase when something doesn't work.. "She no workee!" speaking of an old truck like an old girlfriend.. Your broken english chased by a sigh spoken with regret. Yet you quickly shook it off as if it were nothing and there were more important things in life like life itself.. I miss seeing you grab grandma around the waist and spinning her, how she would laugh and say "Oh quita de qui, covron..." Everyone would laugh and it did my spirit good. Do something for me will you... spin grandma again? As I wrote that I could hear her echoing laughter.. i miss you, everyone should have moved their dreams to where you were... 060629 ... camille I miss you...you know you weren't supposed to go first. I would have gladly taken your turn. Grandma needed you.. but then... it wasn't long before she followed. A year maybe. Now you are painting beautiful sunrises and sunsets and you move the ocean like cereal in my bowl. I rock it to and fro being all the more careful to not go over the edge. Your life seemed so simple why life had to get so complicated I don’t know. You had land...a farm with sheep. First your eldest moved away to marry the man of her dreams. She was your mainstay she helped with all the chores..one by one they left for their dreams as your dream drifted like a mist in a dusty breeze pulled by desert blooms. All your children like tree seeds collected in the same place you soon followed like a river. You sold your land curtained by mountains. Quite a distance you moved, from anything including yourself.. I will never forget the day they moved the two story house you bought to our neighborhood. The house seemed so huge and I wondered how they managed to move it, yet didn't really care. Now you were next to me...just across the street. Would you say it was a good trade...quiet valley, for a noisy neighborhood... closer to us. I own your coffee cup, that's all i requested when they seperated my memories of you. I still use your old phrase when something doesn't work.. "She no workee!" speaking of an old truck like an old girlfriend.. Your broken english chased by a sigh, spoken with regret. Yet you quickly shook it off as if it were nothing and there were more important things in life like life itself.. I miss seeing you grab grandma around the waist and spinning her, how she would laugh and say "Oh quita de qui, covron..." Everyone would laugh and it did my spirit good. Do something for me will you... will you spin grandma again? echoing laughter.. i miss you, everyone should have moved their dreams to where you were... 060629 ... auburn Please make it until tomorrow. 080114 ... Death of a Rose I write this for one and I wish it for two. My grandfather who was gentle of soul, or so my mother reminds me. I miss your laughter, but I can't really remember anything else from you, except what I'm told. You lived in hard times, doing what you could for your family. I've heard that you were an honest man, a hard working man. I grew up with you in teachings I heard from your daughter. She loved you very much, so much so that all her emptiness is concealed wihtin her. What I can remember of you and Grandma is the time I got my little toe slammed into the door the basement. I still have the disfigured toe, and I still remember you everytime the maintenance comes due. To my fiesty other Grandpa, You worked all your life, labouring at what you love; farming, raising cattle, fixing your cat, thresher, combine, every piece of machinery you brought to your farm. I respect that, and I wish I had the same determination to do that from day to day. I hate that your marriage is like some horror show, each day enduring the diatribe from your "loving wife", the constant harpy actions. Yes, I'm your first Grandson. And yet I feel like I'm your last child. I do not want to be the referee in your battles. I do want to be your student in what you want to teach me. I miss you both in heart and mind. . 080115 ... jane i'm sorry i never got a chance to meet you, nor your successor. i love that ronald reagan played you in the story of your wife. i like to look at the picture of you, because i think my brother has your eyes, and looking at those eyes in the uniform makes me wish i had met you. 080116 what's it to you? who go blather from