romance_is_dead unhinged years ago he described to me the way his schizophrenia medication worked. it cut out the peaks and valleys of his emotions so that he was always in the middle. that it would have been great, except for it cut out the peaks too. that was why he didn't take his medicine, which was why he couldn't go to school or hold a job. because he wanted to feel his life even if that meant being a fetal mess on the floor. (for every action there is an equal and opposite reaction, my father was always fond of telling me when i was a kid. newton's laws applied to the emotional heart.) when i was young, i fell in love at the drop of a hat, a glance, a compliment. (i have since come to the realization that a vast majority of people don't mean what they say, will become a source of disappointment) there were so many peaks and valleys, heart_pang s. it took me years to realize that i should have been medicated like most of the people in my mom's family. that valleys were not meant to be that low. that the heart_pang was actually a panic attack. but that feeling, of being with someone i cared for, was addictive. even if they didn't know how i cared, even if they were just using me. somehow i came to my own middle path without medicine. because my valleys were just too low and the peaks were fewer and farther between. i haven't fallen in_love in years. the last time i proved to be just a stepping_stone between one horrible bitch and another. i hold him i loved him but that didn't make any difference. he didn't want me the way i wanted him. the mysteries of attraction; i'm still confounded. is the middle path meant to cut out romance? to smooth out the peaks and valleys into a flat, unexciting horizon that extends in all directions without a bump in sight? is it me? someone is sure to say i should learn to love myself first. i don't know if love is the right word for it, but i have nowhere near the self_loathing i used to. i appreciate who i am, what i do. i'm not willing to live with bullshit, be treated like shit anymore. i feel like chopping it all out. and i also feel like the romantic in me is dying. like my faith in people is dying. the parts of me i thought were good and true when i was younger are dying, getting beat down by reality. dreams_die constrained in being so alone, used and tossed aside, over and over. ten_years_ago i thought i would have surely had someone to share my life with by now. i wouldn't mind being reminded why it is better to have loved and lost because right now all i feel is the loss. even my friends have abandoned me. maybe i'll go scrub the floors. cleanliness is a better replacement than intoxicatedness. (i mean even meditation group is rubbing it in my face lately. the whole first of the seven riches being someone to share your life with thing is still getting to me two weeks later) 090424 ... unhinged the last time i went to the bar alone: talking to someone = fucking not even an subtlety to it anymore 'so are you going to fuck my cousin?' or the boy that made me an evilslutbag hickey_outrage didn't even buy me a drink just offered to give me a ride home and the last guy that made me dinner took me out and paid for it on HIS birthday no less i feel nothing not even a little bit what DO i want exactly? fucking existential_crisis is becoming prolonged 090424 ... f in terms of planets.. yes, i look at mars or saturn or mercury and think.. god damn it... i wish i had what you have! 090424 ... unhinged and then with a random stroke of fate, the hopeless romantic in me is awakened full force. when i see him walking towards me down the street, my heart begins to race. i give him the love poems i write about him. we hug, kiss, cuddle, fuck like there has never been anyone else in the world. we say 'i_love_you' a ridiculous amount of times in a day. in the past month, i have fully realized the virtuous nature of patience. the universe will give you what you need. you just have to be willing to wait for it. 090705 ... . . 090705 ... unhinged futile_amorous still no one to share with 'you always felt stronger about this relationship than i did' 150514 ... unhinged until it's not and it always comes back at the most random moments 180924 what's it to you? who go blather from