would_you_hold_on_to_anything_not_love Eh jest gee Not_as_my_true_self 170504 ... unhinged this whole place is a testament to the fact that i hold onto everything i often say i am buddhist because i suck at letting_go 170504 ... Risen There is nothing worth holding onto which isn't about love - whether it's a person, a thing, a concept, a cause... if you do not love it, if it does not bring you joy, holding onto it is probably likely to cause suffering. Then again, holding onto love, the idea of love, or the memory of love can cause plenty of suffering too. 170504 ... unhinged (clinging and love are not the same) 170504 ... amy and the purplely apostrophe i totally hold on to friendship and can only understand pragmatic reasons for letting it go. which ends up being all of them. i went to semirural schools from kindergarten through high school and it wasn't teeny but it was small. and i think it might have been different because it was on the edge of any world you could think of. belonged to nothing else besides itself and also the similar one in the semirural not quite a town next to ours. we were bussed into that. where are you from? god, i don't know. as an adult, it seemed like the people i knew from that school were a random smattering that were together through it all, which you'd think would have merit. but the reality is the politics and beliefs of the whole group are also random. so why pretend to be friends when we spent so much time doing that already. (there is a deeper layer of weirdness to this, but i don't find it 100% useful to think in that way, but if you don't think deeply, you open yourself to being bullied and victimized, or overtaught) the randomness and wear and tear creates solid "no"s pros and cons to that but definitely a con and a loss if you misjudge. i've probably got a couple of people from k-12 wrong but i got far too out of it to bug them with friendships so i lost them.... that can drive you craaazy. tonight i was forcing myself to watch a 2003 child psychology telecourse.... (not because i feel i'm missing out on raising children but because my whole peer group can only manage to relate to everybody through the lens that they've been seeing their children through, which is utterly unfair, but you might as well learn the small talk!) the telecourse includes a million zillion milestones and stabilizers for ideal outcomes. i don't doubt any of it, really, i just resist generalizations mostly because i was born in the self-realization 70s (insert astrological theory here). it's a friday night and i was about the watch the second segment on adolescence ("What If?"). and i went oh my god i can't stand it. this is making me uncomfortable i'd like to barely pay attention to this segment when i watch it. so i turned it off and i'm going to watch it when i don't want to give it my full attention. my focus is a little too good at this time of the month, pre-ovulation, truth. lol. i've read in places that remaining an adolescent is definitely an option. maybe it's a good option. it couldn't make living right (morally, ethically) any easier. that's not easy. nobody said life was going to be easy. you make it hard as you need it to be. and you might have to hold on to things that are not love but are stabilizing as you tackle the next hard thing. i sound like a therapist. anyway: attachment theory. i'm trying to get more attachment to watching tv. i don't know why i have such a hard time. i have to pause stuff, draw what i see, get sick of drawing like that, then i can watch something else completely unrelated, like a child development telecourse. you know the venus retrograde (remembering the lost and forgotten and unloved aspects of yourself, the true form like in Plato) followed by mercury retrograde (flub ups you mighta missed), and which is all over now, was really pretty damn cruel, as astrology goes. most of the time astrology is just... being novel. usually you should have all the self-confidence you can muster and ONWARD, child development issues can suck it, but after such cruelty maybe there are one or two things from the past worth picking up, dusting off, and saying god! that movie from 1997 (probably any movie from 1997) was very very bad, i mean that in an ethical, but nonjudgmental way, wasn't it? ;o) ethics. how about not having my senior research be in close quarters with somebody i have a crush on? then again, i had lost it at least 50% by then so it didn't matter. but it influenced how i handled it, in the end. shame, endless. you kinda sorta oughta get over shaming people, whether you mean to be doing it or not. (not you, unh, you don't do that.) well. 170505 ... amy and the purplely apostrophe when push comes to shove i can shame people when there is a misunderstanding and a digging in to battlestations. most of the time i am telling myself how annoying i am for judging people though. an interesting question might be if i hold on to people for the purpose of judging them, which would be awful of me, but i can imagine that it COULD clear the air, i'm not talking any real time S&M bullshit but the at-a-distance retrospectives. i mean you can reason your way out of any resentments, intellectually, but emotionally you need to do your best to not have the same outcome in a future situation. but sometimes you gotta risk getting hurt too, so i think i hem and haw in my judgments of the past a lot. i try to have good intentions, i don't want to bind people to misunderstandings, but there if there is a more positive way to understand the past then it's a win win to get that info it's just kinda.... i don't know... i call that the 666, but not in a bad way, just a really annoying kind of thing. anything that's situated in the past is not currently "love" but some things can be past-situated but reaching into the present and be categorized as love. or science. this whole second post is like a paraphrase of my postmodern-ish philosophy of science class in college, which was some really amazing (and rigorous, true story) preparation that also made me very very nervous. level woody allen. so there are really very good reasons why i treat this seriously but i think it can vote now, so i should probably leave it alone now. 170505 ... autosarcophagistic serpent there's nothing to hold on to 170507 what's it to you? who go blather from