pyschological_withdrawal unhinged i've always cut on my left forearm. i guess there are a few reasons for that. i'm right handed so i obviously wield a boxcutter better with my right hand. i like to be able to check the progress of my healing and/or i like to pick the scabs. i can poke, press, and scratch wounds located there. i haven't been consistently conciously sober for a long time. ever since my brother moved, i've had this feeling in me. this bottomless pit; like when he left he took the manhole cover with him that covered it up. i can't be mad at him; he's so happy now. only my brother would have the balls to get my dad to pay for him to live in paradise under the pretense of college. and he's lost probably more like 100 lbs now and he surfs and he's got babes crawling all over him. every 20 year old male's dream. so i can't be mad at him for leaving me, but i can't get it to stop hurting either. he always knew the right moment to laugh at me to get me to realize my stupidity, the right moment to hug me, the right moment to punch me. it really does feel like someone cut off my right arm. so i've tried a couple old methods and a couple new ones since he's been gone. i got a couple tattoos ( new_ink ) , i found myself a fuck_puppet or rather he found me, i started smoking and drinking regularly again. i even met someone that randomly filled the void for awhile ( john_and_i ) but he had to go and fuck it up by forcing me to admit my feelings, which by the way is never a good idea. especially since his didn't coincide with mine; his were in fact my worst nightmare. the nightmare of the friend variety. you know i'm so goddamn sick of hearing 'you are such a great friend' that i think the next person that i have a romantic interest in that says that to me will find projectile_vomit all over their upper body. so i had to stop smoking pot recently mostly because of logistics. i don't know anyone around here that can get it for me and the only person that can help me is so up to her neck in school and her own shit that i won't be able to see her again for another two and a half weeks. so i got down to my last little bit of shake and decided to see how long i could go. i've been a slobbering mess. but the worst symptom i get that always freaks me out a bit is when my wrist itches. i am allergic to the sun. doctors call it sun poisoning. i basically get hives from being in the sun for too long without sufficient protection. i know it's an allergic reaction because i itch. but it's in this really heinous way right underneath the skin that no amount of itching can relieve. and since sun poisoning most often coincides with sunburn it hurts like a bitch to scratch anyways. the only thing that can get rid of it is massive amounts of benadryl. so i'm guessing this wrist itching is an allergic reaction to depression. and since i can't medicate myself for it right now because i'm trying to be 'sober' , mostly cause i have no other choice, the prefered method of scratching the comes to mind is the cutting variety. but the little shapes i used to carve into my forearm are no longer sufficient. i really think i should shutup now. so shutup_and_goodnight 051005 ... unhinged and now probably wasn't a good time to choose to quit smoking cigarettes either 051005 ... unhinged . i still feel like part of me is missing, my brother so far away. the people i love so far away. 090216 ... Ouroboros We've spent almost every single moment of free time and sleeping time together for the last 1 or 2 weeks, so my self-imposed break still feels lonely, makes me question myself and my motives, wonder if it's unhealthy to be this entwined so early in a relationship, etc. 090216 ... unhinged i haven't had that in almost two years, an incessant relationship (even the we were just_friends it was still nice to have someone to share my life with; that is until he decided to leave) it is not necessarily bad. it's just more painful when they leave. 090217 ... jane existential_crisis 090217 ... unhinged all alone again *sigh* 130529 ... daf You're not alone. You're surrounded by people who love you. Don't make us punch you or laugh at you at the right moment. Sorry we're not the partner you're waiting for. Don't worry, darlin..he'll come along as soon as you are ready for him. ; ) 130530 ... Ouroboros Oh my lordy. NO IT'S NOT HEALTHY, me of the past, ALL SIGNS POINT TO CODEPENDENCY. 161031 ... unhinged woah blather blast from the past (padma_rising i still hate sleeping alone When i find someone worth talking to I don't see saying hello as dependent) my relational machine still aches for others 161031 ... Nirvanic Blind Funny how the words change from a depressed state to one of insight... To a moment of clarity... Yet unable to feel. It's as if I can only grip either an emotional state or an intellectual one, but never both at the same time. And I wonder if the void is worth it. Raping_the_void 161102 what's it to you? who go blather from