raping_the_void Nirvanic Blind Last night I was laying in bed trying to go to sleep. Just like every night, my mind wandered off to different thoughts and fantasies. At that moment I was imagining a conversation with a girl. I decided she should ask me something while I stood there acting cool. What she asked me is unimportant, because the feeling that followed was strictly incidental. Out of no where, my thoughts turned on me. I was suddenly overcome by a terrible emotion. I saw my face twisting and slowly turning away from her. She looked at me in a worried type of confusion at how my mind state had suddenly and drastically changed. This very real emotion was invading my fantasy and it was weird to see her reacting to it. I was filled with terror as my thought took a life of its own. My terror rose as my struggle for control failed. I felt myself being raped by this terribe feeling taking form and infesting against my will. Even though I couldn't explain this completely unexpected feeling, my mind kept screaming out "its death. Its death". This feeling probably had nothing to do with death but it was the only way my mind could interpret it. I felt myself breaking down as I thought of the years I've spent with the undefinable feeling. I realized that this was the climax, and I wouldn't be able to stop crying once I started. But as soon this horrible emotion reached its peak, I started regaining control. Right at the moment that was supposed to be my release, it was swallowed back down. Now I could do nothing but lay there, numb. I layed there, no longer able to feel anything. I was so numb that time ceased to exist for me. I had no idea how long I had been laying there until I happened to glance at the clock and notice that it was past 10. I jumped up from the bed pissed off at myself because I had to be at work by 9. I ran to my cell phone expecting to see a call from my boss but he hadn't called. I thoughtlessly started walking towards my door when I stopped to gather my thoughts. I walked back to the clock and saw that it was past 10PM. I still had the whole night ahead of me until I had to go to work. I had actually only been laying there for about an hour. There was nothing left for me to do but lay back down and try to get some sleep. I have a friend that had to kill his dog because it got tore up really bad by some other dogs. He put his gun up to his dogs head and shot him, but, fighting against death, the dog continued to move. He shot the dog again and finally he stayed still. About 30 seconds later the dog frantically jumped up and mindlessly started running around. The dog's mind was unable to comprehend what had just happened. I imagine that my mind went through something similar to that when it was screaming out "its death....its death". 031222 ... Nirvanic Blind Rape it. It's much better to feel the pain than to feel nothing after the numbness has stayed too long. "You don't know what it feels like to have this done to you and not be able to do anything about it", she said as her voice cracked. I didn't know why she kept staring at me. Everytime I looked back at her, her eyes were still fixed on me. After a few glances, I decided to return the stare. No more than 5 seconds after this intimacy of sorts she broke down crying. So why did she start staring at me in the first place? I wish I would've got her number while she was leaving. Another guy hinted that I should. I wonder what she told him about me. I wonder what she could've told me about myself. I wonder if I could've helped her through her pain. I wish I could. their_company_was_comforting 031222 ... endless desire i need control over things i cannot touch im struggling but you say nothing 031223 what's it to you? who go blather from