iamworthlessiamsofuckingworthless endless desire the fear. dreams_do_come_true. no please, she screams. no please, she pleads. hunger overwhelms. she slides to the table where her family begins dinner. she picks up the fork, still debating and she eats a little. just a little, i swear. she would never eat more than a little. she wouldn't want her stomach to stretch. but a little is a lot more than it has had in days. and it aches with the taste of failure. failure. ((punishment)) oh dear god. oh dear god i am so sorry. i am so sorry for being such a failure. i am nothing. i am nothing and i am so sorry. i never meant to be this way. i never did. i never meant to be this awful of a person. i am so sorry. and i am can't stop crying and i am just begging to be ok with myself. but i never will be. and i can't stop crying and the words pain my hands as i type. such a steady pace. i am so sorry. i don't know how to tell you anymore. to everyone. to the world. i am so fucking sorry. i didn't mean to fail you all. and she goes to her room. she goes to her damn room where she promised she would never go. and she searches for a bowl or a bin or anything. and there shes fines a damn plasic box that she keeps all her pictures in. and she grabs a few tissues and shoves her fingers back with the music blaring. and she knows that they know now. that everyone knows now just what she is doing. and she sees her father's face as she goes into her room and she sees his sadness because he KNOWS JUST WHAT SHE IS DOING. and i am sorry and i can't stop crying. i can't even stop crying enough to finish my story. where I FAILED! i failed first by eating. i failed my hideous self with the lumps of fat and disgust and then i failed you because i want you to believe in me and i failed when i didn't eat and i failed again when i threw it all up. i threw it all up. she sits there you know. some days it is harder. some days she wrestles with her body to make the food come up. she had eggs and sausage. her nino makes the best eggs. he really does. she can taste every bit of sausage as the filth crashes out of her mouth. a change in song. a pause from the music shhh ellyn. be quiet sweetie. you must be quiet. dont make a sound as it comes out. dont make a sound. they will know. don't make a sound. don't make a sound. she looks up. she sees her miserable face in the mirror. a grey tear falls. it has been mixed with the paint on her eyelashes but it means so much to her. so grey. so mixed. so different. and she is back to work. but nothing will come anymore just liquids that hang on the tips of her fingers and burn the mark on her hand from her teeth. her teeth. their prints right there in her skin bleeding. she pushes further back and her nails scrape the back of her throat. no ellyn. wrong place. over to the left. her throat seems to have swollen in a strange way. every place she tries to gag herself with just get scratched. she frantically tries to push them further. she tries so far. so so very hard. and she scratches her throat again. but this time too much and it begins to bleed. oh this is not good ellyn. and she starts to cough a lot and she gets blood on her napkins and she starts coughing and can't stop. and when she finally does she can't shove them anymore. it hurts to badly. she has done enough damage, i suppose. and she lies on her floor and curls up into a ball. so silent and dead. and cries. silently as the music skips again. always skipping because all of her cds are scratched now. and pulls herself into a ball and lies on her side and cries. you deserve nothing ellyn. i hate you. you deserve nothing. i hope you just sit here and rot away and they will all come and smell you in your decay and laugh. and they will be so FUCKING glad that you are gone. because they never wanted you here anyways. they see you. fat ugly disgusting you and they just see how pathetic you are. you can't even starve yourself right. you bitch. you can't. you can't do anything right. look. you are so huge. i can't even look at you. ellyn i hate you. you hate you. the whole fucking world hates you. and i hope you die. the only one who wants you alive now is you and i am not even sure of that anymore. she can feel the blood in the back of her throat from her scratches. pathetic. i am so sorry. so pathetic. they don't all hate me. he doesn't hate me. he doesn't hate me at all. he told me. i promise he told me. "no matter what happens or how bad things get, you can always crawl back into my arms and burrow." and then shivers went away. 030624 ... karl the weed that was really weird and really good. i read the title, and it gave off an endless desire vibe. i said "oh, ill bet thats endless desire" 030624 ... endless desire good to know that i give off the "i am worthless" vibe. that's what i was pushing for. haha you never cease to make me smile. laughs endlessly. 030624 ... karl the weed wouldnt your sides sorta hurt? 030624 ... endless desire hahahaha! at first i thought you meant when a person throws up. i was just sitting here wondering why you would ask that. but then i realized you meant laughing endlessly. and yeah i suppose your sides would hurt. mine are a little sore from running. so maybe i don't laugh endlessly, but for a good long while, at least. laughs for a good long while. 030625 ... ferret smiles 030626 ... karl the weed lol, btw, i didnt mean that youare worthless, it was just the way it was all one word, and repeated, and stuff. 030627 ... endless desire haha i assumed you didn't mean i was worthless. or maybe i hoped you didn't mean i was worthless. either way :) 030628 ... karltheweed icantputspacesinmywordsomygodwhatthehell happeneditsnotlikeimtryingtodothisisjust happeninganditsreallyannoying!!! 030628 what's it to you? who go blather from