fix_me ...because i'm broken. i tried to tell you, but for once i don't think you understand. and it's not for lack of trying, and perhaps this time it's not for my lack of communicative skills. perhaps it's something that's different between us. and broken again. how can i tell you i'm not ready, when you are and you're so damn stubborn? how can i tell you yes or no when *i don't know*? how can i tell you no when i know how you'll react - and probably hurt others in the process? i know that would hurt you and i know you would withdraw into yourself and possibly cut everyone else off too... so how am to give you an honest answer? i can't even give you an answer yet because *i don't know*. and broken again. you give so much of yourself, and i am envious, but do nothing to change. ah - perhaps i need to be the fixer, but do i *really* believe i am broken? 050615 ... Lemon_Soda People can only fix themselves. They'll never do it, either, if they don't believe theres anything wrong with them. Are you happy? No? Then something about you needs fixing. Either what you do with yourself, how you act, how you think, your health, where you live, etc etc. You shouldn't ask other people to fix you, because only you can fix you. YOu shouldn't try to fix someone else, only they can do that. You have to want to before you'll take any step towards it, and honostly too many of you are too scared to give up what you can rely on for something different, even if it is misery. 050615 ... Lemon_Soda Misery being where your at now, that is. But then again, you could always decide that it was all someone elses fault, so you don't need to fix it and can just sulk or fume and wait for the world to make it up to you, which isn't going to happen. 050615 ... oE I feel like I want to roll up my sleeves, loosen my tie and rally your soul back into the brilliantined fray of life or something...I feel like starting a one man confetti factory and have the sparkling paper of garish hues follow you with your favorite nine inch nails tune evanescent and ever present and not oppressively ubiquitous or anything...I want to say it in a common vernacular, I want to hotwire your heart, I want to hit the ground the air with just the right note ...hey guess what..the other day I sat amongst the clinging clamoring throng at a pre-fathers day phillies game with my son and I felt amidst all the really well intended bovine gesticulations and clever exhortations to rally our team, the phillies from thier inevitable lapse into tbis pitiless doom gray surrender...we were told that 45,000 over fed fans roused into a near psychotic frenzy shouting the words "Charge!" or some parochial term of endearment..that THAT sight would call the phillies flagging spirits from thier inevitable 7th inning malaise. And the louder the crownd shouted, the farther out in left field I felt. And I know I was participating in something uniquely american, here I was wading into the very fullness of live and yet somehow untouched, unfazed by the crowds singleness of purpose...somehow frozen as I witnessed the players answer the clarion call to be heroic or at least serviceably competitive, you know give me my $47.00 worth OK? Once again my silver stream of sometimes sycophantic, sympathetic and yet somehow... be right back 050615 ... oldephebe So enough 'bout me sitting amidst the columns of pressed sweating baking flesh amidst the corn fed fans, sitting so close I can see the polyps on thier meaty fleshy seaty jowls engaged in one interminable train of mastication and man these fans NEVER let a thing like breathing or personal dignity or etiquette get between them and the intracies and subtle contrivances of this sometimes poetic sport. So close that I can hear the gastric murmers of thier orutund kettle stomachs. LS - So aside from another expedition into the land of one overtly melancholy mans solipsism whose still waiting, who desperately needs to be stunned by happiness, to be completely incapacitated by it to the extend that my CNS takes a holiday and my arms and legs are temporarily out of dailing distance...OK? I mean to feel as if I'd been felled by a serendipitous stroke of euphoria that you feel as if you can't even process - to feel as if heaven were heaving down upon you... to no longer walk with the whieght and presence of memory and failure and betrayal and realities rude concrete sledgehammer blows. To walk like a man unencumbered. Period. To no longer be introduced as Mike's pale, sick and infacted looking friend who's coming off of the turnstile of bad breaks and bad choices. I wish for you my blather friend or compatriot (yeah cause friend is a little too ahh intimate, too jarring, it presupposes an affiliation or shared history that may not exist in the others mind)..So I wish for you LS to be steamrolled by the very essence of perfectjoy or it's requisite incarnation. and that it leaves you spinning with your arms akimbo - perpetually that is...that as you walk through the aisles of life that you feel as if you've got a thousand pounding in your chest. 'Kay? feel better ... 050615 ... RIC "that you feel as if you've got a thousand pounding HEARTS in your chest.." 050615 ... tsk tsk "to no longer be introduced as Mike's pale sick and infarcted looking friend.." ... 050615 ... Lemon_Soda Um...mayhap my vocabulary needs work but I can't tell if I offended you or your giving me some blatherly support for my problems, oldphebe. 050616 ... innocent insect fix me, fix, me try try try try try and assemble these pieces, gently, firmly lick lips and twirl fingertips, concentrate soothe and satiate pet and purr snigger and snarl push and push and push and push repair break_me again and see where the pieces fall, such a tasty mess 050616 ... Lemon_Soda Wait wait wait...okay. Got it. Thanks. (loves his thesaurus) 050616 ... neesh i suspect the confusion comes from the fact oldephebe thought you posted the first blathe on this page, when in fact the first one is nameless and the second one is yours, LS. just a guess? 050616 ... Lemon_Soda Could be. I hadn't caught that. Huh. Better...um...wait till he posts. 050616 ... oldephebe LS - yeah neesh is right me rushing in carelessly again ... 050625 what's it to you? who go blather from