a_great_weight_pressing_down Photophobe The sky. The words of my family. The attitudes of my friends. The facts of my situation. And, increasingly, your continuing willingness to bring me down. Its so hard to keep my head up right now. What I need is for a single safe place to go where I don't have to fight to justify myself. I don't go out of my way to make you feel bad about anything. There are so many things I could say to hurt you, to break your spirit. But _of_course_ I don't because its an awful, terrible thing to try to crush someone's soul. I. Will. Not. Be. Ground. Into. Dust. But if you keep kicking me when I'm down then I'm not going to let you lean on me when you need to (i.e. constantly) anymore. 080121 ... unhinged it's just a shadow turn on your light and chase it away vicodin weed alcohol stress anxiety depression my pulse slowed down so i thought it might stop the saddest part i didn't care so glad that shadow no longer lurks 080121 ... unhinged (sometimes chasing shadows away means leaving people behind and those are the hardest sometimes it is easier to stay in the dark for_sure) 080121 ... zedel i wish i didn't care 080122 ... unhinged don't wish for that then you'd be a zombie the walking dead i remember when my life felt like the movie of a movie that it just couldn't be real and my eyes were dead such a great heavy weight and i guess it's a lie to say i didn't care because at that moment when i thought i might stop breathing that time there was fear fear that it would finally be over fear that i would hurt the people that loved me fear that i didn't get one last chance fear that i would fall asleep on my parents' couch and never wake up so to say i didn't care was a lie dramatic_effect 080122 ... unhinged (and you know i guess i thought i didn't care but when i was on the edge could have gone either way the survival instinct kicked back in the one instinct you think the weight presses right out of you at the last second kicked back in and i thought to myself 'not like this just keep breathing') the physical illness and the damn cold is making me one morose motherfucker lately 080123 ... zedel i don't wish that i didn't care about *anything* i hope it never comes to that but i do wish that just once i could turn the caring off and walk away i really almost believe that this time there is nothing i can do, nothing new that can come of caring, no way it can be fixed the best thing would be to let it go would it kill me to just move on, in the uncomplicated, well balanced way that others seem to do? just once? 080125 ... unhinged are you a pisces per chance? yes i wish i could turn it off too but you can't shut off a reflex so i just try to redirect it back to myself if the assholes in my life don't want to use my love for good i just try to bring it back home 080125 ... unhinged love my father called me yesterday. i could hear him smoking a cigarette over the phone as he talked. my gram is in the hospital. her medicine is making her sick. it gives her nosebleeds she can't control. she is taking this medicine because she has arterial fibrillation (?) so it supposedly makes her heart work better. my father thinks the side effects aren't worth it (he is a paramedic) and has talked to several doctors. one of them said for every year she isn't taking this medicine that is making her sick her risk of having a stroke goes up 10%. my sister who is a physical therapist in a nursing home told my dad 80% of the patients where she works have a.f. my dad wants to take my gram off the medicine. i could tell by how he talked about it. but as soon as one of the doctors said 'stroke' he became doubtful. his sister also just fell and broke her leg in three places, has had surgery to put pins in her leg and won't be able to walk at all on said leg for at least six weeks. i could feel the great weight of being a dutiful son and brother while staring death in the face and having to be the one to make those important decisions weighing down on my dad while he talked to me. he usually spares me the details unless he thinks it's bad. or maybe he couldn't live alone with all those heavy details pressing down. i could feel the fear and heaviness in my dad's voice. i wish i could give him a hug. 080207 ... daf (Our thoughts are with you, do0d.) 080207 ... Photophobe I'm sorry unhinged. Difficulty. I don't have the words, but the sentiment remains. I ken what you ken, in this instance, as fey as it might be. 080208 ... blown cherry what more reason do we need 090526 ... unhinged my vacation wasn't long enough (note to self: it's time to bring it back home) 090527 what's it to you? who go blather from