silentbob i fell in love once in the spring. the snow had just melted. the temperature was raising. i can remember spending weekends sitting on my bed and just staring out my window and every time a truck that looked like hers drove by it would kill me.

i asked her out.

she said no.

it killed me but i got over her. there was another girl as it was getting warmer and warmer. i asked her and she said she had a boyfriend. burned. brunt. crusty and cinderful. charred black. but that's ok.
in the summer i died. in the fall i was reborn and died again later that winter. then i came back to life in the spring again. and i asked another girl. she said yes. later she said no. that she thought of me as a brother. in the summer i got really sick. cars would make me queazy and i'd have to rush home. when school started again the sickness stayed with me but in a vague subtle reminder of what summer was. girls didn't exist for a while. until that winter. late in the winter. and she said she liked me. she said she had a thing for me. i didn't know what to think. it was getting warmer. i said i liked her too. but by this time she said, "Oh wait, i guess i don't really know HOW i feel right now i'm really confused now."

burning decaying decomposing

haligh haligh an awful lie

it was spring. and it was so warm. so warm. and it was so beautiful. and it hurt so much. it was so swoony and painful.

then i met alicia and spring was so beautiful and she wanted to go out with me. and summer was nice but painful when her stepfather didn't want me hanging around so much. i wasn't anything in his eyes. it was awkward. that was summer to me.

the next fall we broke up and i started liking someone else. a babydoll with spikey pink hair that smelled like bubblegum car air freshener and pixie sticks. but to no avail. she didn't like me back.

that winter i spent rebuilding. then in january was another girl. the last girl. and while i was so smitten and taken i was also so paranoid about her opinion on everything and chunks of me would fall out. i asked her to prom. she agreed. i asked her out. she said she'd get back to me. i left town. there was contreversy and i came back and saw her again. we hung out and she said no. but we decided to remain good friends. it was spring again and it was getting so warm as she introduced me to all this new music that had always been waiting but it never occurred me to give it a listen, especially with outside opinions about these types of bands. pearljam, led_zeppelin CCR CSNY... and i showed her a band or two. i made her a tape and she made one for me.

that was spring. and i was so hurt and so happy and as it got hotter and i was seeing her everyday i started inviting him to come along. they were together behind my back forever as it became summer and summer burned me. and he told me i should make her another tape, and he wanted to put some songs on too. and i said no, that would kind of defeat the purpose.

he contributed to her fucking me up. so did i.

i spent fall and winter rebuilding and becoming myself and being able to be alone with myself without wanting someone else to die.

and now its spring again. i'm between_heartbreaks but i'm waiting. i'm waiting for the good, im waiting for the bad. i'm waiting for anything to come up and take a bite out of me. i almost think i'll fall in love with someone just to keep up tradition against my own will and better judgement.

because its spring. its beautiful and it hurts. thats my association with it.
devalis break
air conditioned room
solitaire (digital)
and anticipation

I knew it was him
his eyes screamed it
and that was it
it was settled
meant to be

black nails
iridecent shirts
and my first job interview

he said he loved me after a week
it was dark
the light was behind us
flashing, a movie screen
and my shirt was halfway off

it was spring
a time of lovers
and the pollen
made him sneeze
(he was always sick)
and it made me burn

1 week
to 9 months
and nothing
:-* soon to be forgotten 030101
notme i am drinking the green 040508
Syrope i can't really remember last spring

there are snatches of memory left, but i pretty much erase things as soon as they're finished. so it's not like i can piece the memories together, in time or in space.

so all the springs of my life have become one entity in my mind, but it bothers me. i know that there's something about it making me sad.

something about blossoming, something about thawing. about beginnings, and how no one realizes how painful or lonely it is to start out without being the slightest bit sure of anything.

the beauty everyone finds in innocence to me is just pitiable naivety
the hope everyone finds in regeneration
to me is just a reminder of how something has to die to be replaced
Deomis memories of the warm sun
the cool breeze
now replaced
by the bitter reality
that is winter
what's it to you?
who go