i_want_to_know fyn gula and when you have stepped into concrete, the world suddenly comes to a deafening, grinding, mind shattering halt, you are too slow to move it out, to yank it free, too ignorant to learn the lesson of what you lack. look down fool. your foot is stuck. your soul is frozen. your heart is chained and held by all the evil you can imagine. what do you do? you cry out, but you see your tears are only water that evaporate soon after they fall. you always try to look others in the eye, but their tears haven't fallen yet. where do you go? you continue, cement and all, dragging the weight and the pain along. it hurts like hell but there are places to go, work to do, flowers to sink into the wet earth, money to make(kaching!). beauty to see. messages to read. love to give. what do you say? you yell out people's names. you scream,"i'm waiting for life to begin again!" then you realize it never actually stopped. the world spins endlessly. the sun shines even when clouds are as heavy as an axe swung accidentaly upon the ankle. i want you to know this is a strange condition. obscure days and sleepless nights in a frustrating prison. i'm out of my body and i don't know where to find it. i want to know why this happened. 010603 ... silentbob how you feel about my feelings what it means to have me think that way about you what it changes what it breaks and if you can ever forgive me i don't want to make you feel badly about it i just want you to appreciate that someone can feel that way for you because there is so mucha bout you that i adore 010603 ... Casey I want to know what people truly think about me. I wish they would be straight forward. I think they just put up with me whenever they have to. If they truely don't like me they should tell me and make their lives easier. I'll be glad to stay away if they want me to 010609 ... birdmad i asked, i demanded, ultimately, i even went so far as to beg and nothing. 010610 ... Aimee that I'm happy for you.... 010729 ... carlita everything about you... ok, well maybe not everything, but you get it. your hopes, dreams, loves, hates, everything. 030707 ... bird looking backwards in retrospect, that silence turned out to be the clearest message i ever got. 030707 ... kyree If you even realise what today is. And why it still hurts so bad. =( 050711 ... iNsEcUrE_GoTh_GiRl really? do you really want to know these things, blatherskites. would it not be more painful to know them? ignorance is bliss and all that. just to know what it would have been like if you had decided to have a relationship with someone; maybe they wouldn't feel the way you would. maybe they would just always love someone else more. would you want to know that? what would you do with that information that you so desperately craved? would it destroy you? would it simply make you more determined? would you spend your life wondering the what ifs? would you repress it? would you just be happy? what would you do, skites? i want to know. 050711 ... kyree Yes. I want to know why it still hurts so bad. Though I'm sure I already know that answer, as it dwells within myself. And yes. I want to know if he knows what day this is. And it's significance. 050711 ... mous what took you so long... 050712 ... Mom Why he was torn from my womb Why I started to love him so, like it was going to last Why he died that way Why it was in a public place Why we brought so many sweet gifts for him and got so happy thinking about him Why you let time pass this long to then just let him go Why you didnt warn me Why I am up in pain about this at 235 Why my arms are empty, unlike so many other Moms Why you let that one I adore feel this pain too Why you let us both carry dreams about us like young happy dreamers and longing wanderers Why why why Why you let him go so soon, knowing how much he was loved and wanted Knowing how much we wanted him I want to know why my years of longing ended in just the memory of his smile And why I can't talk to him now Why the ones I love most in life hurt so deeply, and some just go in ways I can never ever hope to reach them in again, this side of Heaven Why play me the grand fool? The court jestress of the laughing midnight hour The poobahis of pain Am I just some little doodad down here on Earth to twirl and play and spin around like a game of tops? Am I not a human being made in God's very image with feelings? Do not those I adore have feelings to? Didn't he have feelings? But, this much is true, this much I am greatful for, thank you for a smile before he left this world. This was a consoling to my soul, and mind. I love you son Mom 050712 ... sirflaccid Something's going on up there. I can feel it. It settles in when I stare at the moon. No connection lost. So much to say. Just no way to say it. 051215 what's it to you? who go blather from