twisted_mocking_parallels ashmanzhou i keep on fighting fiding these inside me i don't know how to rework them until i blind me again i looked i the mirror today first time in a month and ran a hand over my scars the doctor says ill go blind in one eye and my other will only get worse i found myself watching the other day the woman_passing_by looking up and wondering what will i do when i cant see her will she still look up into my sanctuary? watch me in my little world? and i wasnt sure if i wanted to leave anymore not while she might still look at me i was given a picture the other day of how i looked before i realised just how set my mouth has become ive changed more than my eyes say when i went to the hospital last week people shied away i couldnt pull my hood tight enough to hide me i cried the other day first time this year my right eye burns when i do my sight went away for two long minutes and i almost couldnt breathe i dont know what its like to die but dying by degrees first blinded cold and lonely then shrivelled up inside and trapped is nothing short of pain i remembered when i first was blind for six weeks after that day they operated on my eyes closing gashes and cheered when i could again see they called it a miracle that day and gave me flowers cake and cards but they never showed me a mirror until one day i asked too see what i had really done to me why no one ever came to see me from school why nurses never stopped to chat with me why i could never live with me again everyone tells me im beautiful inside because im the only one who can see in there 030823 ... mon and where i am in this multiverse 030823 ... ferret kippers! i'm swimming in kippers! when will they all go away!? ahhhhhh!!!!!! testicals 030823 ... oldephebe *oldephebe is mute with awe and feels an unsettling impotentence in the face of such aeemingly irrevocable disconsolation - your revelation has left the sting, the jarring sound of a shovel striking stone over and over..* 030823 ... ashmanzhou wind is blowing hard tonight burning scoring lashing out i feel fury cold fury on my face and dream again-or remember? i couldnt see the stars tonight i broke my glasses to fragments so sick of waiting watching hating they must have been scared i think but scared for me? i wasnt at all in the end i really think it doesnt matter i wanted to break the building down to watch my cage shatter and break to hurl my life up into flames so many flames of cold hate snuffed someone talked to me but it didnt matter i couldnt ever see them just a blur heard them voice hypocrites reasons heard them urge me to look to my future my future-darkness thoughtless pain im cured not sick but still dying and i have not the courage to make me feel the steel one last time forever 030824 ... oldephebe ash - I may may embroider these blue frames with my ornate and empty air, i may in the seizure of my self-obseesion churn and vex my breaths into transcendant spumes of chant, the churning of hyperbole, i am a shrine unto myself - and that is all - this song of harrow, this is more than a barely sketched personality beneath lattice upon lattice of gilded filligree, all is made meretricious before this/your self-poseesed song of harrow, shear the nightingale of all its feathers and all that is left is a voice and nothing more - and yet what you have wrought here cries out - like the words of Job - it's authenticity cannot be questioned - in todays constructed simulacrae)s)sp) - throngs before the electric cyclops - give us our spectacle - give us our gore - but let it not be real - let it not touch us - let it just steal the torture(s), the searing drops of implacable marching time, lift those minute into hours off of us - and god for what ever you do - do not provide an interregnum - a space - a lacunae - for a mind - a self - to contemplate its fallen state - i am willing to dip my ladle into this song of harrow and be burned by it - it is that real - the goraning soul - wailing under the walls I hope my words do not offend - this is a sacred space - i hope i have not desecrated it with my comments - later, ... 030824 ... oE i, we hope you are okay ash... 040212 what's it to you? who go blather from