letters_i'll_never_write dying embers You would say it doesn't matter. I would agree. But we would both be lying to ourselves. Not to mention each other. It matters. I've learned that slowly. Everything matters, weather it should or not, weather you want it to or not. It matters and to deny that is to deny something intrinsic in yourself. You matter to me in a huge huge way. Maybe you never knew, maybe I didn't do it properly. You mattered to me the way rain matters to the corn... it can still grow with a little rain, but it isn't any good. I need you. I need your steady hand and your calm soul. I need your strength and firmness. I need all those qualities in you that made you beautiful, because I can not make or feign them on my own. I used to want to explain to you how I felt about you how you were for me... I couldn't. I still cannot. You are a stranger to me and yet our souls still fit and I know that when you hold me you remember just a little, like I do, how it was when all was right. In every life a little rain must fall, and maybe our hurricane ripped us apart, but sometimes I wonder how far away we really are. I remember little things... back roads and rainy days, trips to the mall, pulled pork sandwiches, the roof, your sub, Harvey, Go Fish and Pool, the park on 724 I could never find without you. And I think, maybe these memories are all that is left. But maybe, just maybe... "She loved him in a way she could not describe. As the ocean washes over the sand, so he washed over her and left a piece of himself with her. And as the sand goes out with the sea, so part of her had gone with him." Maybe not... So maybe I'm better now, new friends, new guys, new life, but some part of me will always be that girl, because you remade me. You are my reason. You still have all of me. 040509 ... silentbob I am really sad that I can't be myself around you. So nervous and strange. How full of life and laughter i would be if I could, how I am to other people. How other people see me, how I wish you could see me. I think there are things in me you would love. And you are the first person in years I have had the capacity to love. You are such a weirdo, and I love that so much. But then we have these terse interactions and I think, maybe we don't actually have chemistry, maybe this wouldn't even work if we tried. I just have all these emotions I have nothing to do with and rarely feel, and wish I could manifest an intense love_affair with you. I slept with someone last night, someone I don't like and do not know very well and I kept thinking about you, how nice it would feel to be kissing you, if it was your face instead of hers, and your body and us instead of me and her. I realized I do not have room in my life for other people right now and that I would need to clear you out of it before I can actually let someone in. my_heart's_an_autoclave I just wish we could give it a chance so I could know for sure the hows and whys of us not working, instead of you running for the hills when I put myself out there. Because it makes me want to never put myself out there, to shrivel up and die or swear off love and become a celibate stuffed teddy bear. And then to resist that to as out everyone I see which is not healthy either. I go to extremes. I make unhealthy choices. I am this great, unstable mass of blood and foam. And no emotion that's worth having could call my heart its home. susan_painfully_true says you can't make someone like you more, you can only make them like you less. The best I can do is do me, and stay away from you, and maybe the universe will project my astral image in your direction and you'll "come around" or something stupid like that. I use other deep infatuations i have had in the past as frames of reference, and they never turn out ok. I never win the person over. I can think of exactly one and it did not pay off. ("pay off" meaning a good relationship where I was happy) So I don't know what the solution is. dying_alone I guess. I am making such a mess for whatever future person settles for me. (sorry, see " ugliest " that is what I'm doing here, y'all. I'm just working some shit out. I don't actually feel this self-loathing all the time, I just like to write some biting cutting things to make myself feel better and flex my word chops. This probably goes without saying, but I know I'm going to read this in 10 years and be like what the fuck_was_i thinking) 140316 what's it to you? who go blather from