shit_shit_shit_i_hate_myself_and_i_want_to_die anne-girl not that i actually want to die or anything but but but i'm a bloody fscking idiot. Damn. Shit. So i fell for this guy.... and now school's over for the summer and i'm not going to see him for bloody three months and four days, and it sucks. And I'm fully and utterly aware that i sound like a teenage 12-year-old girl complaining about this, but i spent too much of my cal exam on the very last day of school staring at him, thinking he's so fscking hot... shit, he is though. and it doesn't mean anything... he's intellectually relatively decent (by which i mean fucking gorgeous), one of those spiffy slacker types and he he he he he he shit, he's hot. and i can't express that poetically or brilliantly becacuse i have no words and have to resort to profanity to express the extent of the amount that i_want_him and have absolutely no sentence structure to speak of and all my problems in life are based on, i just found the other day, that i have no self-esteem to speak of, you see i'm an idiot and i_say_stupid_things around people and i and i and i and i and i and i i'm just stupid... people say i'm brilliant and i'm egotistical (i mean they dont' say i am, but i am) and i have an insane amount of dislikeable personality traits, i don't even know why i have friends and my whininess makes me even worse... it's a neverending spiral... and i realise that i consider all my good qualities as null {intelligent? so what? } so i will whine and bitch and complain endlessly shit i suck gah gah gha gha gha gah............. and watch me flounder and spasm in this mire of confusion, as onlookers wonder why the hell she bothers having a crush on this guy who is so utterly clearly out of her league... all cool, calm, collected, laughs as she turns away, doesn't resort to pettiness the way she does, doesn't doesn't play these stupid games with people, is just bloody hot gah... gah... *hits head against wall* so let's scream to blather, to the blue who isn't really listening half the time in the vague hopes that someone, somewhere will respond or say yes i felt like that once too at some point in my life and then i got over it and was happier and i_have_a_boyfriend or even better i don't care and now i am a relatively happy secure person and i no longer lash out at myself over every perceived failing in myself like i used and tear myself to shreds over nothing and she insults herself for posting stupid emo teenage angst rants, in recursive whatever blah emotional masochism or something except for the part where she doesn't enjoy it and then she writes it anyway sarcastically putting herself down every single bloody step of the way gaaaaah 050525 ... Lemon_Soda What do you mean when you say you want him? 050526 ... Lemon_Soda I would suggest getting to know him better. He sounds very attractive, but consider that there are always aspects of a person that haven't been experienced yet. A calm collected individual in one arena is a jibbering mess or a rude egotist in another. Also, he may be fabulous but he might end up having no interest in you what so ever. If you don't confront the issue, ie invite him to talk over lunch or some such, you'll never know, wich is by far more torturous and long term damaging than a simple "no thanks" would be. Atleast then, you can move on. Expectations and hopes are dangerous because they run the risk of not happening, or worse, taking form in a nightmarishly opposite way. Stay in the present and clear your mind, concentraite on how you breath if you must, and talk to him. As for all of these perceived faults, I like to think we recognize them as such so we know what to work on first. Just remember that the reason one should act to improve shouldn't be fueled by a desire to fit in or conform, or even to win someones affections. A healthy respect for oneself and the type of person you would like to be should be the driving force. Also, you seem more than able to understand how you wish to change, but don't forget to purposely make a list of the things you like about yourself and have no plans on altering. It'll reinforce your self esteem and remind you that your not all that bad. 050526 ... anne-girl smile - i'll get over him, i have three months until i next see him he's arrogant, anyway. bastard :) thank you - *lists away* 050527 ... the_engineer don't want to die, want to live. Life is a series of agonizing and wonderful events. this to you is one of the agonizing events however from the blue of blather I assure you life will go on, and it will get sweeter. 050527 ... anne-girl *advice to self* it's ok you're not a bad person honest *cries for you* [i am, i am, i am] 051016 ... epitome of incomprehensibility Basically, but it seems like a silly response to a combination of a) cold weather b) as of October 10, Paypal charging 2.5% for currency conversions within your own account (that's just petty, Paypal) c) the frustration with such feelings that makes this recursive What's wrong with me? I used to like winter. 131024 what's it to you? who go blather from