my_friend werewolf and i were talking about our other two friends. both of them are in real serious relationships I guess. or serious because they're supposed to be, because i guess it's the time to be. It's really almost too much to talk about. one's failed attempts at high school quarterbacking, dismissal of higher education, getting into the fire department through connections. the girl being just like his sister, just like his mother. the other friend, working hard everyday, at a supermarket just like his father. taking this semester off. gambling when he gets the chance. complaining about everything, falling asleep at 9. you say so what's the point? but that's because you didn't see him as a freshman, thinking i'm clever, i'm witty, i talk to girls like they want to be talked to. but then it didn't go how he thought it should, and he feel back on the cherished explanations of his family. and both of the couples are going to disneyland together this week. i asked if they were taking the kids and they seemed upset. like when i called him dangie since his name is dan and hers is angie. i assume they will also be upset when i'm not into seeing the photo albums seven years from now that show my two friends asleep next to each other on the couch with the caption "our boys tired from a day of baby shopping" and all of the people who are so anti institution end up being tricked into it because they never saw what they were fighting against and then they truths are mixed in with the lies and they accept them all together because they're desperate for the truth. and i'm not saying love's for fools, but certainly relationships can be. you're a fallen soldier if you do it just cuz. everyone needs love, it's those people who want to assert themselves like nuclear holocaust that tell you love is a lie, but there's no love in surrendering. i don't even know why it upsets me so much. football jocks are married now, gothic girls too, sometimes to each other. and maybe it's a togetherness, but god no one talks about anything anymore, unless it's on the script. even that one kid who was funny and punkish and seemed like a cad, like he was in porkie's or something is getting married! and i won't lie, i'm a boring sensitive monogamist, but i'm being torn by the tensions of realizing of being conscious of what in some relationships i see others in or could be in myself someday people are surrendering, sacrificing, letting slide. my other friend who i was gossiping with about this all says to me, "is it really this futile" and while i'd never be that extreme, i wonder for a second. is the reason people are nostalgic for their youth is that they held beliefs which were untenable? unrealistic and yet driving, passionate. we think my deli friend, my supermarket friend, we think he'd get his girlfriend pregnant on purpose as a self destructive loathing of sorts, or because it gave him purpose, he finally felt finished, like he'd gotten where he needs to be and now can relax. because you only have that option, it's just a matter of when you arrive right? and i don't know. was it that in people's youth they thought, well a lot could happen to me, but if nothing else, I always can at least be honest to my heart, and then you find out maybe that being honest means lying a lot because your heart isn't whole and eventually the sides of it, wear it down all around in a war of attrition untill you just keep them in an uneasy truce, in a numbness. when i was in high school, i really thought for like a day that me and my friend would kidnap cruise ships and be pirates in a mighty fleet of cruiseships, convincing people to join us, to extend their vacation to a lifetime on the spoils of piracy. or maybe write a book. hey, there's nothing wrong with vacations at clear lake as long as you want to be there. but people stop trusting what it is they want. or they find, hey, the institution is there for a reason or that they were tearing down strawmen. i don't know. it's just ridiculous and frightening and i just want someone to hold me, and not leave, and if your hands are trembling you can wear my ring, just drop those reins you're holding, and we'll share, but it's not just you and me, it's all of them as well. 031103 ... tessa i'm sorry, my friend i can see you need help i can hear it in your voice and in the phone that keeps ringing but i just can't it's more that i can do to keep myself upright i know it makes me selfish i know it makes me a bad friend but i don't have the strength right now to support you i have nothing left to say you are a good person an interesting and wonderful person i wish i could help i know it is my job but i can't 070424 ... to monkey you help everyone you idiot ! thats why i love you. 070424 what's it to you? who go blather from