in_dreams jennifer the great below t. reznor ----- staring at the sea will she come? is there hope for me after all is said and done anything at any price all of this for you all the spoils of a wasted life all of this for you all the world has closed her eyes tired faith all worn and thin for all we could have done and all that could have been ocean pulls me close and whispers in my ear the destiny i've chose all becoming clear the currents have their say the time is drawing near washes me away makes me disappear and i descend from grace in arms of undertow i will take my place in the great below i can still feel you even so far away i can still feel you even so far away i can still feel you even so far away i can still feel you even so far away even so far away even so far away even so far away so far away 000531 ... Alexander Beetle What an awful, awful movie. 011028 ... girl_jane only 030530 ... roy orbison i walk with you, i talk with you. 030530 ... sixteen you cling to my sheets, wrapped in swift love afraid to touch me because you know I'll run. Your shoulders are just bones sticking out of black tanktops, arms just something to hold him in when he feels cold and small, fingers just machines that sew and cut while the rest of your body waits. In dreams your mouth isn't just a void anymore. In dreams your lips stick to my skin and they feel delicate like effervescent and fragile bubbles dancing away from me to die. In dreams I actually know who you are. 030531 ... mon i sometimes find the wanderings in alleys a bombed out house i search in the rubble i search i am searching lost i am and i can't find you everything is mist your eyes the afterglow earthquake 030823 ... walrie knowledge_of_a_different_kind the_sound_of_your_beating_heart this_is_how_i_cope 050925 ... flowerock. I was hiking up a mountain, out of breath and dizzy with excitement for the view from the top, there were floating clouds all around me. I climbed too fast and wasn't prepared for the altitude and thin air. I fainted and fell down the mountain like a doll, straight into a flowing river. I floated unconscious to a water fall and began to slip over the edge. I woke up just then, still in the dream, to a bear fishing me out of the river and away from the deadly water fall. The bar's giant claws dug into my back, the pain so great it simply felt blazing hot and cold and shocking. I passed out again face down in the wet river bank. As I drifted out of consciousness the bear was lacking my back wounds with great focus. I was sure they were going to eat me and couldn't stay awake for it. I woke again to mud being plopped onto my back and then licked into the wounds like a bandage. I was in the hot sunlight so it baked to a dry shell. I understood that I wasn't going to be eaten and slept again, healing_sleep. When I next awoke the bear was approaching with a small bush full of berries... like the whole bush... and dropped it next to my face, staring into my eyes, I felt like they were asking "do you eat these?". So I started to eat some of the berries and the bear ate them with me. I swear he wagged his nubby bear tail. Soon after this I left the bear and the woods and came across a hospital. I walked in and forgot that I was naked and covered in bloody_mud, everyone was staring at me limping up to the desk... they took me in and cleaned me up and looked at my wounds. They told me that the claws went in just barely missing the vital things like spine and lungs, as if they were placed with careful intention not to hurt me. The doctor said the wounds were so healed already that it would be best just to leave them healing and jot stich them. So I healed and then I had some very nice smooth scars to remember my friend by. 160404 ... flowerock. I watched a screen, pictures of my past self and my family played. Pictures from when I wasn't so insecure and closed. I was once kind of goofy and loud and laughed a lot. I'm just not like that right now, haven't been for a while. I feel depressed and lonely and overwhelmed. I know I have to do some thing about it, but what? So far this morning I didn't go back to sleep, I'm making cayenne, licorice, schisandra tea before coffee. 161011 what's it to you? who go blather from