all_that_i_loved . .. 131225 ... flowerock blossoms infinitely reflecting and reverberating through time, backwards, forwards, now and then it pauses to look to me, all of it at once, and smile with all of its warmth and understanding, like the sun kissing the ocean on the horizon, a reminder than this will always be the case. All that I love will always be there, loving all of me, eternally. All that I loved and no longer have is still there too, still flowering and falling and regrowing to flower again, I left patterns of my soul there and it continues to grow there so that I can fully love here. 131226 ... unhinged has a habit of drifting away impermanence love_is_pain i should know better i should just keep it to myself 131227 ... daf Maybe what you have to offer is more than anyone can handle. THese things happen, lemme tell ya.. I want to share with you what I told my friend Hans (a brilliant pianist/music major/music teacher) (Hell he's practically your male counterpart come to think of it..): When you're an artist..a poet or a musician or a writer or a painter or whatever..you're constantly most alive on the edge of strong emotions. These can be elation, rage, passion, depression and any number of strong emotions you could shake a stick at. These are your productive moments. I hope you cherish them if possible and appropriate. It's in these spaces that our very subtle muse becomes a dull roar and (I believe) can make its entrance into this material place we live in, this substantial, touchable place. This is how creative sparks become creative fires and perhaps its not so much a requirement that we find our happiness as our purpose in this life and make peace with it, then our happiness will find us. And so when I'm shaking my fist at the sky trying to blame God for something I know perfectly well is my own damned fault, or when I'm crying my eyes out because another so-called friend shit on my loyalty and broke my heart, there's a song in there. Or an essay. Or a poem. Life lit the spark and now I have to craft a fire while it burns ME..for my days and my passions are the fuel that will set it ablaze and bring it to life. Break ups are sad sonnets. New lovers are light prose. Shitbag power trippers at the DMV are a fiery speech..etc. etc. you_are_loved 131228 ... unhinged thanks but that doesn't change the fact that the only person i have to talk to when i come home at night is myself. i'm used to it now though. *shrugs* 131228 ... daf see also: yad_dashtan 140104 ... xelda I used to maintain that I still loved everyone I'd ever loved. I can perhaps attribute that to a mixture of youth and tendency towards clinging. (Youth not being naiveté, but more just not having enough years to move on.) But no, love_runs_out. These people still have a place in my heart/body. 99 percent of the time I'm not aware of their existence. 99 percent of the time I'm just humming along, either being truly present, or being present with the past/future limited to a 6 month range. Occasionally some kind of major life change throws me back into orbit, looking at the bigger picture of my life. Feeling the futility of engaging with former loves, I seem to be drawn to my old pal, blather. 140104 ... blather What can we say? We got a shoulder and we kinda hunky. 140105 ... yump is my spirit animal flowerock, that is beautiful! 170819 ... ledax Now it's like this. Having been in a relationship for 12 years, I harken back to former eras of this relationship instead of pre-existing relationships. I think about: This is really about my career, not my personal/romantic relationships. I think about what I really want to do, what my purpose is, how I can make positive impact. I think big and I think very small. Like, does that new pop-up use organic ingredients? 180822 ... ledax And now it's like this: Love is not that important to me. I'm not actively seeking it. I'm not avoiding it. I'm not fearing it. I notice it sometimes. It's quieter. Less insistent. Feels nice. It doesn't guide my decisions much. Doesn't direct me anywhere. 18 years in a non-monogamous relationship- Love is not really the point of that, and the point of that is not love. And I compulsively press the shift button before I press the return button, every time, like it's my clutch pedal. 241004 ... Phil Because I was flawed I was petty I was shy I forgave the world And gave my heart to everyone It was true for a time It is still as true as I will let it be I fell for girls Boys Beyond friendships Beyond loyalties And sympathies Myself And stayed in love for years Without anything in return When I fall for you I feel them all Fully and competely In my heart In my stomach Memories like scars Even though it was not meant to be Because we are flawed 241005 ... peyton you belong here Phil 241008 what's it to you? who go blather from