unhinged i was watching her on stage. watching all the boys watching her on stage how she liked it. she performed for the sheer attention of it. she was irked because she was singing the songs she wrote about him, wanting him to hear them, hoping he would fall down at her feet and admit to all his wrongdoing. it's funny how artists think their work is automatically enchanting because it's been known to happen before. i watched her standing up there listening to the words and it was complete verbal_irony. like how i feel when his band plays the song they wrote from the poem i wrote about him when i first realized i was going crazy. "the king reigns free in his little house and all is right with the world" that's about you. perception....aaaahhhhh. "i want you to want me" not about me, him of course. the irony of the whole thing could only make me flash my sardonic smile. there really is nothing to say.

swallowing tears with
every bottle
like the carcass
of worn out love
bleeding inside me
just take me someway
cause this no way
is killing me
holding you in bed
like it was a sweet dream
of sour memories
love you
just stop this bleeding
with the tourniquet
in your back pocket
i've been looking for
love you
like the bottle
need you like the rain
sleep sweet tight
hold me
in the nightlight
empty bottles
swallowed dreams
such is life
in this cemetery
of cause
unhinged that night i was so angry i couldn't even speak. when you asked me why it wasn't as if i could tell you to your face that i hated sitting there watching you, the patterns of desire and want that floated all around you far away from the current of my heart that always drifts towards you. how could i say that i still loved you after trying to convince myself for months that it was stupid? how could i say that every time i turned around and you were smiling at someone else i was jealous? that is just stupid and immature. but, i can't help how i feel about you. believe me, i have tried. i have tried to get myself to hate you; everyone says that i should. i have tried to leave you the way it seems you can so easily leave me, but i always come back hoping for another invitation into your bed. but you say you never have a problem finding ass when you are single. believe me, i have tried to rid myself of this lingering love for you but it just won't go away. it won't let me be. everytime i walk in there i think of you. and how they stare and buy you drinks. i look around and realize that i am not the only one that wants you for mine, but i am still convinced that i could love you better than any of them. i should be the one. i still want to be the one. that is the problem. 020217
unhinged there you are at the front of the crowd throwing yourself at rockstars and their girlfriends. i thought i saw you look at me between kisses and laughs and goodtimes. no, i'm not really okay but i'm stoned and i can pretend to be. and i always find myself staring at you hoping that you aren't smiling. the way your shoulders slump because you are taller than most people; the way you drag on a cigarette from the sideview. i still notice these things. i still have my moments of weakness where if you were right in front of me, begging, pleading, i would forgive you. that same night i sat on his back stoop and your truck was right behind me. i remember a time when i sat on that stoop with you. i remember when i held you on that stoop and my shirt was wet from your tears but he came out and got you to smile. that night i couldn't stand you and your smiles and your fake hellos and your lame attempts to capture my attention. i couldn't stand the way you couldn't stand that a guy could pay me more attention. but your smile was bitter that night too. i bet you wished you hadn't hoped that hard to see me there. you saw me but that was pretty much it. where you expecting another cuddling hug? i still miss being in love with you. 020622
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