tips_for_schleiffen_man
klarchen 1. When it is hot outside, eat a nectarine. 000716
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silentbob 2. When it is cold outside, drink delicious cappucino until you develop an addiction that must be treated with ribbon mint candy. mmmm ribbon mint candy. 000716
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grendel 3 Steel wool coated scratching posts will keep the fist_kittens busier longer without making them too much sharper 000716
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moonshine 4. Don't lick heliocopters 000716
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klarchen 5. Don't go buying any hello kitty keychain/pocket-watches either. 000716
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Lightning MAN 6.) dancing in a lightning storm while wearing an all metal dance jump sequence is a bad idea 000718
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silentbob If you are planning on sending your only begotten son to save all of humanitie's souls, DO NOT opress homosexuals. 000718
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me again thats 7 by the way 000718
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klarchen 8. Never, EVER, use your broken calculator as an excuse for adding something incorrectly, in front of the professor. 000718
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klarchen 9. Do not leave home without at least one kind of lip gloss. 000719
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klarchen 10. If you have to choose among a peach, a grape, or a bananna, always select the grape. 000720
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Q no way! the carrot. 000720
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silentbob 11. If you find yourself in a back alley surrounded by tons and tons of elephant anuses, and you feel just a little turned on, then accept the fact that you are a horny little beastiality freak, and the only thing that can help you is ribbon mint candy. mmmm. ribbon mint candy. 000724
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moonshine 12. Remeber its a $50,000 fine if your caught humping a squirrel in Montana. 000724
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klarchen 8. Never eat a raspberry yogurt muffin without butter. That is just wrong.
Mmmn butter. 		000724
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klarchen I'm on krack! That's 13. dammit. 000724
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silentbob 14. if you are indeed "Going Steady" with a significant other, it is not kosher to place your hand upon her unmentionables. it's just not kricket! 000725
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typhoid 15. to get past the deep chasm in the hall of mists wave the black rod and a crystal bridge will appear 000725
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MollyGoLightly 16. make sure you know what her mutant ability is BEFORE you kiss her. you can never be too careful. 000726
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klarchen 17. Beware of ice-kream stores.
They try to lure you in with their swirly colours and pretty lights.
But all they really want is your last dollar. Then you are stranded in the middle of nowhere with a melting ice-kream cone.
There is nothing amusing about that. 		000726
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The Schleiffen Man 18. Never come home at 6 AM cause you know your mom will be waiting there to ask you the astounding trick rhetorical question "Do you know what time it is?" And the 1 AM curfew definitely sucks now. Just get ready to go back to school. 000729
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klarchen 19. Never write tips for yourself.
Its like baking your own birthday kake. Its like wrapping your own present. Its like telling yourself a secret. 		000729
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preciosa 20. If a professor happens to phone your house or place of residence, don't freak out and hide under the kitchen table. Just speak calmly and slowly and take a deep breath. 000803
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preciosa 21. Do not question your boss if he asks you to enter all of his contacts (work related or not) into his palm pilot. You just musn't dood it! 000803
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Aaron 22. watch out for that thumb tack on the floor. so you say "what thumb tack". i say "exactly" 000805
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typhoid 23. when the telephone rings today, water it. 000805
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Thyartshallshant 24. When your looking for a good laugh, call up your local Burger King and tell them you would like to order a Whopper Penis. Then, ask if they could hold the mayonnaise, because you dont like white stuff on you Whopper Penis. Always funny. Always. 001226
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mr. bad advice i'm having a seminar on how to improve communication in interpersonal relationships. i got this auditorium real cheap. (on the west bank, ya know).
if you take tickets for me, i could give you a coupon for a free counseling session. sound good? 		011126
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ever dumbening I'm guessing the last un-numbered one counted, so...
26. If you're in 10th grade and doing acid with friends, make sure your friend Seth doesn't write a letter to his friend Judd with all of your names in it describing what fun you all had taking acid, um, cuz it'll get intercepted by Judd's mom. And besides, the trip will not have even been that good that night, so what is/was/willbe the fucking point anyway? But if you do, it'll still be funny 15 years later. 		011126
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jane 27. this is my lucky number. choose your own. it will pop up when it needs to and show you the way. 120405
what's it to you?
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