i_have_no_words minnesota_chris Sorry, folks, I just have nothing to say. Life continues slouching down its mediocre path. 030709 ... Fire& Roses ... 030710 ... endless desire i dont. im sitting here and i barely even want to press the keys. i am begging for someone to help me. i listened to my mom talk to one of her friends today about how much she liked being on some pill that made her happy and i couldnt help but envy her. i just want to feel like i can really smile by myself. i can usually smile when im with other people but alone i just watch the tears roll. sometimes they are big and grey from falling make up. i see them hit the pages of the book. other times they are even larger and surprise me as they splatter silent waves. their armies, it seems. i never new how large tears could be until i let them fall. until i couldn't hide them any longer. and i feel lonely even when i dont have to be. when i could be doing other things with other people, but instead i stay here. because i dont feel like moving and i dont feel like getting up and i don't feel like breathing. the flicker of hope that lit the wax candle has gone out. it has died. and i am alone in a dark room. alone and silent. i just want to be feel happy again. happiness just seems so distant even though i'm sure i felt it sometime not too long ago. even today! no no, not today. did i even smile? curl my lips and have my cheeks touch my eyes. and you know, i even eat. or have been the past few days or so. when im hungry, i eat cheese sandwhiches. that's all we have in the house, you see. and i wear my bathing suit and my overralls and go and sit on the hammock and just sway, watching the trees above. you'd love how the sun pours through them. i think about dying. not me dying, i wouldn't care so much about that except that i would have missed out on so much in life, but who cares, i wouldn't know. i think about other people dying. friends, family, loved ones in general. i've lived 15 years of my life and ive never attended a funeral. ive never had someone whose abscence truly affects my life in general, and frankly, the whole idea scares me. and i want to get up and spend as much time as possible with the people who i am slowly losing, as i slowly lose myself, but i only think that i will add very little to their lives anyways. it is this house. IT IS THIS DAMN HOUSE! I AM TELLING YOU, IT IS KILLING ME! and rage fills and i wish i would just stop crying. i hate crying. and i go and i shout in my pillow and ball until the case is soaking and listen to sweet music to calm myself and then i read his lists and i feel a bit better. i wonder if i wouldn't feel this way if he was around. but really, i don't dwell on those sort things and im glad that i don't. i_mean, i mope around but i don't feel sorry for myself. i just kind of walk. i dont feel walking, the same way i dont feel my hands typing right now. i almost feel like i am talking as a type and i might be and not even know it, and it wouldn't be that great of a surprise. i might not even be typing at all. this might be a dream and i wouldn't know it. it happens all the time, i blathe and i wake up and it is just_a_dream or nightmare or day thought or anything. books end and now i cant lose myself. i want to ride my bike. that sounds nice. i want to ride my bike to england. yes. that'd be nice. wake me on august 19th. no better yet, wake me when school starts. i need something to take up my time and keep me around people. funny how it is though, i find myself wanting to be around people, searching for company, and as soon as i am in it, i am searching for a way to leave because i don't want to be around anyone. i had this same problem during the school year. i'd get to school and couldn't wait to leave and then i'd get home and couldn't wait to go back to school. oh my is the grass greener on that side? i want that toy and not my own. wah wah. life is so hard blah blah. life isn't hard. i just don't feel alive. sleep_my_troubles_away i guess i always said i would rather be hollow. dreams_do_come_true. i guess i was wrong. oh and i suppose i_have_words. i just didnt think i did. is surprised. 030710 ... phil there is something I want to say. 031011 ... phil It is not your choice. 031011 ... phil to feel. 031011 ... randomly recent i read it. and it was beautiful, endless. truly. ! 040128 ... . i_don't_have_words 040129 what's it to you? who go blather from