i_hate_these_days girl_jane when I feel so empty. I don't know why-I just feel like crying. I"m looking forward to going home next weekend. I need an escape. I haven't done a show for so long. It'd be good to be somebody else-even for a few hours. Everytime somebody asks if I'm feeling ok-I almost cry. I don't know what's wrong... 030926 ... phil Do you think you could videotape yourself crying? 030926 ... misstree dear lord no. it takes actual witnesses or hell and gone to get me to admit that i do so, especially recently. there are parts of me that i enjoying the existence of, and that is currently one of them. to a certain extent. because i won't admit how much i just want to fucking cry right now. 030927 ... misstree is a friggin lush enjoying = enjoy denying + booze. 030927 ... oldephebe "...these final days are finally ending in a blaze.." this treacle brought to you by BuffyCD musical episode.."that girls got beit or spite or spirit or something..hmm just thought this page seemed apropos.. Me "try some of the treacle uncle mortimer..it's steeped in dissassociative disstraction..i'll save you some of the saacharine..okay?" Uncle Mortimer "harumph!!" *reaches for his flask full of bourbon..the really reeking cheap kind* look at me lokk at me!! I am completely non-linear today..so um what else is new? and now a call is made to Father Defalco "." 030927 ... 24 hour party people Morning seems strange Almost out of place... 030927 ... nomatter I lost my thoughts and stare at the floor, try to get it all out of my mind. Try and keep my face believable. Of coarse I'm fine. Nothing is wrong. Why would something be wrong? They don't realize how unfair it is. 030928 ... misstree every day carries a slightly different flavor of disappointment. i keep trying to tell myself that i_dont_give_a_fuck_anymore, but there's always part of me that does, that has to ask, that has to stare the ugly answer in the face just to know that it was really waiting for me. and i know that if i could give it up, it wouldn't hurt. i would be able to turn my thoughts to other things, it would be the past. but i haven't reached that point yet. life still has some beating to do. and then it will stand over me as i slowly come back to myself, and help me up once i'm ready to go. but the beat-down part of it, it gets old quick. 030928 ... Lemon_Soda what am I supposed to say? I don't even know whats wrong. Atleast, not in english, or any other language of the voice. Bad makes way for good, but how much bad comes first? 030929 ... oldephebe Father Defalco please forgive me! But you see I cannot vacillate in the land of dishonoured son and an acolyte to oedipal ambivelance. the rain is coming down in big black drops. It's playing a dirge upon my soul. I can't sit down at a table filled with sneers. And every eye turned away from me. Father, tell me how do I honor these vows, tell me how to keep from sinking right here, right now. Tell me why shouldn't I cut the cord and wear my anger on my muddy sleeve what will it take for them to see, that I have always been made of truth, this sorrow I carry is shaped out of love and oh I just want to cast up all my cares and OOOh. Here's the silver blade I thrust it deep into the sod, I plough this emply gourd for dreams cast into the valley of ash and It..knocks me on my ass. And on both sides I see the semblance and the shadows of what I used to fervantly believe. And all these little deaths within life what a posture and a pain and a drain hide me in the shimmering waterfall of my love thinned to mist..and all of my love thinned to crude etchings upon bone wrapped in mist. Neglect and contempt those two teats I've kissed. And I get so damn tired of saying saying saying these things over and over again..wish something else would sing loudly in me and drown out the entropy..this these dregs at the bottom of the brine barrel. Holy ancient harrow.C'mon c'mon bleed a little louder in me. Hey Father Not Fallen with your Handsom Halo still High can you burnish those myths once more, christen me with the wet drops of dew? This is the feral hunger and the sweat and the fever that fed it. I am just all out 'A Me!!! I struck the stone with the steel and It rippled through the darkness and it came back to me. Father could wrap your arms tight around my chest and pull me back from the breach? ... 040203 ... oldephebe I just can't f*****g carry this love any more. I don't WANT it! 040203 what's it to you? who go blather from