what_do_you_want_me_to_say kyree what do you want from me? 050617 ... a chaotic gift to idealism what's to give? 050617 ... jane he asked me. do you want me to tell you to fuck off & that i never want to see you again? do you want me to tell you that i'm madly in love with you & let's go to reno tomorrow & get married? or do you want me to tell you i don't know, & then we can just enjoy hanging out? [[ididnttellhimiwantedoptionB]] 050618 ... a chaotic gift to idealism what matters most, what you say or what you feel? ... what you want to say... 050618 ... unhinged you hurt me probably worse than if you would have hit me. it took the wind out of me, that letter. i know i hurt you, but i never wanted to. knowing that i did hurts me too. you act like i was skipping down the street, throwing parties with my girlfriends 'yay i'm breaking up with him.' like i didn't cry on the bus that day, the day i told you how i felt and you told me not to speak to you anymore. i wasn't really surprised that you were still hurt two months later. it was as_if_time_had_just_begun and then just as suddenly it stopped. i tried to tell you that i was like that, but when we were happy, you didn't want to hear it. i tried to tell you i've never had a long term relationship because i have this thing about the cut_and_run but i don't think you ever understood what that meant. then you stopped listening to me altogether, ran out on me when you were mad, wouldn't talk with me about it. i loved you. i was always honest with you. you changed me, mostly in good ways. i wanted to talk to you. instead you wrote me a letter. a mean spiteful letter. a conceited self_absorbed letter. in which you said it would be CONVEINIENT if we got back together, but it would hurt your dignity. would it hurt your dignity to know i have never had any intention of getting back with you because i don't play on again/off again games like that? that when you were busy projecting getting back together onto me, i was seeing someone else? (oh and by the way, no matter how much i love someone, i will not be their CONVEINIENCE) but the meanest thing you wrote in that letter, whether you meant it meanly or not, was that you did not like who you were when we were together. since all i ever did was support you the way i knew how, i'm not sure how i could make you feel so badly about yourself, but knowing i made you feel that shitty was supremely hurtful. because if you had ever bothered to ask me about my religion, you would know my first spiritual goal is to do no harm. to every living thing, let alone the living things i'm madly in_love with. my first reaction to that letter was anger. serious unadulterated rage that resulted in a wordless scream and me throwing the letter in the trash. i sat down and started to write you an email, but coincidentally, all the meditation groups and classes i've been going to since we broke up, made me realize that writing a mean spiteful email was not the solution. i deleted the email without finishing or sending it. the next day i went to meditation group and a special videocast program at the center later in the afternoon. everytime i sat, tears welled in my eyes. i went to the grocery store and tears welled in my eyes. and finally i got to the busstop and couldn't stop the tears from falling. i cried at the busstop. i cried on the bus. girls sitting near me were pointing and twittering. and i did not give a fuck. that letter you wrote shattered my heart so completely that i couldn't contain my tears in public. the way i ended things with you did not negate the fact that i hadn't felt that way about someone since i moved here six years before, at least for me. your immature petulant way of dealing with your feelings about it on_the_other_hand made me so angry and sad that i dug the letter out of the garbage and ripped into tiny pieces and then took all your stuff that i had been saving to give back to you at some point and put it all in a bag and threw it away. i did not want any remanants of you in my place. not one dvd or toothbrush or deck of cards. i threw it all away. then you text me 'so you are mad at me for that letter huh?' really? were you fucking serious with that shit? was i mad at you? when i didn't respond to that, you called a few days later. when i didn't answer or return your call, you called again and left a voicemail about how you were sorry and you loved me and maybe if i wanted to get back with you (sorry asshole....already seeing someone else) that ended with 'and if i don't hear from you in a week i'm just going to stop fucking talking to you' i don't take kindly to ultimatums. especially about my feelings. especially when those feelings involve extreme anger and sadness. i don't get over things like that quickly. i didn't speak to my own sister for five years. what makes you think that after the break_up we've had that you can throw around ultimatums? then your friend's wife calls who i would really like to be friends with because she is a cool girl and is all alone here besides jeremy. so you take that to mean we can talk. and you call AGAIN. i can't. i do not have anything to say to you that would result in anything good for either of us. so you supposedly want to be friends. well maybe you should have thought of that before you gave me that letter. i can't. 091114 ... unhinged i_forgive_you i_love_you i_miss_you but we don't work and i need something in my life to work right now would it really help us to say any of this now? let_it_go let_me_go and i truly hope the next time someone tries to love you you can let them 110423 what's it to you? who go blather from