iv_kingsuperspecial_proxy frAnk if kingsuperspecial is a proxy connecting your conscious and subconscious, then what if you did not have blather, in what ways would this "vehicle" find expression? 011005 ... kingsuperspecial I'd probably drink too much, and talk to myself a lot. oh,shit…I do both of those anyway! I guess I'd write in a journal again. I really should see a therapist, but it my last therapist was so fucked and it seems like such a scam. I don't know if I can get up the guts to try again - afraid of what might happen. I used to scrawl in my journal a lot. but after years that things were getting pretty redundant. sample "...the noise went on forever, it felt too good to stop, but those were stolen feelings...the veil of hope stained with rot…broken by the bottle, by denial...and the light will always be there but the tunnel will never end...sometime in the middle of the ride he decided it wasn't as fun as the hype had purported...infrastructure is flawed to say the least...clutching at the myth of joy or a glance caught from across a room...blah blah blah..." for a while that helped, but then there was a pretty big slide where I didn't do anything to blow off the shit in my brain. I sort of stumbled on a ‘career’ and so I had to pay my dues to keep my foot in the door. I worked a lot, and didn't do much else - didn't write, exercise, talk, create, or think - just worked, and drank too much. and I had a girlfriend, a serious one, but it wasn't working. I sank deeper and deeper into depression and anxiety, it really strained everything and that made the sinking worse. it was turning to the dark side of the force or something. when I started to feel like my negative state might cause me to lose my job, I sort of panicked. That was when I started taking medication, but all that did was make me cheerful, motivated, and depressed. The relationship ended, and around that time I picked up blather and kingsuperspecial as a way to fill a void. Actually, I was trying online dating at the same time, so I was on the net a lot. When I compare the two, blather as been a million times more rewarding. it's done wonders for me. I have laughed so hard I cried, and had some good arguing/thinking/jabbering, and let some crazy shit out of my brain. after a bit I gave the dating thing up and spent most of my online line time at blather. the dating thing was such a miserable disaster - way too many flaky people, way to much rejection. at blather I didn't think about relying on people or rejection, and besides I wasn't me - I was kingsuperspecial. I could just let it all hang out. so, I'd probably be in therapy. Heck, I still should be - but blather is WAY more fun, and a lot cheaper. 011009 ... frAnk your journal excerpt is interesting. did you write in third person often? 011010 ... kingsuperspecial is dying I'd say it's about 50% of the time. I think I separate my problems from myself, probably to lessen their intensity. I think kingsuperspecial is just an elaboration on this principle. However, having a name as turned into a life unto itself, and I see him develop multiple personalities to represent my reflection, my fear, my aspiration, or simply supply a diversion, preventing insight into any part of me at all. Just like a journal, if you were to meet me in person, only a shadow of kingsuperspecial might be visible, and prying would make him disappear altogether. However, before I realized what he was doing, kingsuperspecial as exposed my deepest problems - depression, mood disorder, anxiety, therapy, abandonment, medication. In the real world nobody sees the detail that is exposed here. In fact, in the real world I am "hard to get to know". As I make friends with other blather kids, or have real people show up here and recognize me, I wonder if this will cause me to become guarded here, or force the “ kingsuperspecial “ in me seek another venue? Would I abandon blather altogether? I may be able to change my name, but I don't know if I can hide my style, and I cannot cross kingsuperspecial to into the real world... 011014 ... sheryl that's what happened to me... I made friends with you and I met Ron and yummychuckle and now I feel like I am not anonymous anymore it makes it hard for me to write candidly I become self aware of the things that I say thoughts aren't flowing freely without care, they are being unconsciously monitered which is the antithesis of blather it's why I changed my name to sheryl cause I figure everyone knows who I am no need for the pretense 011014 what's it to you? who go blather from