i_ache girl_jane My back is a series of knots. I feel like the boy scouts, girl scouts, and sailors have all been praticing their knots with my muscles. They pull and twist and loop and jerk and yank until they're satisfied-sure that they're good and tight-not to come undone. 040229 ... Syrope my body is at least 20 years older than it should be. part of me is bitter that i didn't take care of myself while i was still growing, but i remember wanting to and being denied, so i can't be bitter just at myself. thanks mom. now you can yell at me for being unhealthy, but i can't bring up the sports you made me quit, the others that you wouldn't let me try out for, the times you insisted i stop even working out with the team. i need willpower. my mind is turning soupy. in high school i soared by, paddling furiously with the current, not against. governor's school was a ride through a whirlpool that excited me, my first real learning experience. but i was overconfident and i don't want to do this any more. it's impossible to make someone else understand that just because i can do the work, and because i'm doing well in my classes, that i don't get anything from the constant struggle to stay afloat. but i refuse to give up. i think i just need a vacation. my soul is the worst. the more i think about it, the more my soul and my womb and my heart become one. it wasn't so bad when i was alone. i could blame it on my being undesirable, but i'm not alone OR undesirable. i'm more popular now than i think i've ever been. the old me would be jealous of the me now. i have close friends in every aspect of my life (in class, in organizations, at work, people i see very rarely but still can pick right back up with) and at least two wonderful best friends that are good for everything :) i have guys i drooled over in high school (some exact, some just the same type) tripping over themselves for me. i can have someone to eat with, a shoulder to cry on, sex, a ride, help with homework, a hug...if i just ask the right people. but i miss having a boyfriend. to have a boyfriend, something else is going to have to go. otherwise there's just no time. so i can have everything i've worked for or everything i've dreamed of - how do you make that choice? 040229 ... oldephebe i'm touched, genuinely so by your revelation and i just want to say it's honesty really held me in a rapt not quite stupor of sympathetic reverberations..i mean a light softly brushed against the pane and allowed me to peer through the window...yeah here's my not asked for hoary hellnote on the whole subject of searching for a soulmate..for that echo of your own self/heart..i think each of us in some way is an incomplete soul..and yeah there's an emptiness created by our incompleteness..verdad?..so yeah we feel the inconsolable ache of that emptiness it seems until we feel the at once strange, new wondrous touch of the lover over our soul brush against our beings..our calloused and pock marked heart..real soldiers in the game of life kinda bitterly accrued knowledge and still we press our grizzled hearts face against the pane and pine...and when that mystic..Yes dammit MYSTIC because i HAVE to believe that something beyond my own prurience and pettiness and neediness is feeding the hearth and pulling the strings..i've GOT to! I was irrevocably altered in that eternal instant of recognition that yeah this is the person the goddes of my idolatry you know? that i was MADE for and SHE for me...You KNOW it! and every time her sweet voice sings to you it feels like she's speaking RIGHT INTO your deepest hidden places twisted and folded up in pain and disremembrance and her voice smooths out every fucking thing and oh my god oh my loveless god how much of her is there still in me..i hate the feelings that flood my heart in those unguarded nocturnal fugues..year and years and years and years pressed down suddenly dead ghosts fill your heart with this shrieking and it is the undying spirit of the love i still have for her and the knowledge that i would still give myself away to her if she in some absurd serendipitous cosmic gesture appeared before me... 040229 ... . and yearn 040301 ... and shake and moan 040301 ... just for you 040301 ... white_stripes i have a strange ache. i want to know why. why don't doctors have answers to these things? i sometimes have no faith in medicine. 040302 ... shilohlives My heart..My body (too much excercise)..My brain...too much school..but most of all I miss you, and that is the deepest ache of all. 040302 what's it to you? who go blather from