selfhate rosemary it isnt fair to feel so fragile. i listen to cds to help me breathe. and now i'm convinced that i NEED a lot of cds because if there was music coming out of the clouds while i sweat on the soccer field it would help me legs push up, up, up just a few more steps. today i had the same Joni Mitchell song stuck in my head all day. "laughing and crying, it's only the same release." so i'm sprinting and it's easy at first and i'm hearing those words for hours. i cry for no reaosn now. i stand in front of the mirror for another scrutinization of every curve, freckle, shadow... and i see my face looks old today. if i could gather myself i'd stop trying so hard to break out of my skin and for once i'd make myself at home. 020808 ... rosemary i see new calluses every day now in different spots. and i think maybe all my skin will peel off and my soul can go find another body... if i had tanner skin would they gaze as i walk by? if my stomach was tiny would they want to hold me closer? if my face was more pleasing, if it fit a 15 year-old girl, would you finally love me? i am crumbling. fingers are the first to go, because they're small and will probably break easily. my back splits like dry earth. will i turn to dirt before anyone could learn to love this i am falling up, i'm afraid to be alone, yet no matter how many people i surround myself with i am still lonely. what will happen to me if nothing ever makes me happy? and i want us to share one soul and a bowl of spaghetti, i want you to teach me everything, i can't stand to talk to you if i feel tears behind my eyes. 020808 ... Rickster You must learn to love yourself for who you are, no one can change it no matter how hard. If you are not willing to accept yourself for you are, then why would anyone else do the same for you? No matter how ill-featured you make be, someone is always out there with plently of love for you to see. You must search in the right places and find the right ones, nothing can hold you back when you stop worrying about others' opinions. 021226 ... mips self hate isn't about what others think about you, anyway its about what you think of yourself that's important. it's funny, because i saw a light in my tunnel of self hate through someone else and their horrible mole on their forehead i met a guy at work, and he was very nice. pleasant conversationalist, clever wit, nice to look at. he asked me out on a date. i told my best friend. she said 'eww'. i asked why. she asked me a question to answer mine 'how can you go out with him, he has that horribly huge ugly mole on his forehead?!' 'what mole?' i asked 'you've never noticed that disgusting mole?' she quipped, 'next time you see him, look on the left side of his forehead and you can't miss it! i cant believe you've never seen it before - you talk to him all the time and its incredibly immense!' so, the next time i saw him, was when we went on our date, and i looked. there it was. larger than life. i knew why my friend had been so grossed out, it WAS hideous. but i gave it a second of thought and realized that i had never noticed it because, i was always looking at his lips, or his eyes to fully grasp what he was talking to me about. i realized that this incredible growth of his had been over shadowed by how interesting and captivating what he had to say was. the more i chewed on that in my minds mouth, the more i realized that he was not self-concious about the mole, or so it seemed. he never pointed it out, or tried to keep his head turned in a way that would hide it from view. he did not wear a cap to cover it. and tho i'm sure he did not like it, he was visibly comfortable with the fact that it was just there. and i found myself asking me why can't i be comfortable with my 'moles' so to speak. maybe if i am less self-concious about my imperfections, they will be less noticeable to others. maybe anyway 'you've never 040912 ... unhinged selfharm 040913 ... only an option skills to learn: self sort self ritual self transform self regurgitate 040923 ... brought to you by 101010 I hate myself (like everyone else)for being me and not somebody else and hate everybody else for not understanding me 040923 what's it to you? who go blather from