phantasmagoria delial seems events of my life are crazily juxtoposed, like some morbidly humorous comic strip laid out across the sundays of the world, tacked and fixed onto it by means of sewing needles and duct tape. well, recently things have been sort of rollercoaster. beginning at the end of last year: i_love_you we're so_comfortable together i_can't_believe how, when_in_doubt you found me and brought me back_to_life when i think i'd gone permanently cold oh god what the hell was i thinking i was only a replacement for someone i know you shouldn't spend time with anyway, it's self destructive at BEST oh but you miss me and wish we were friends still my god i can't believe i'm talking to you we used to be mortal_enemies like the kind you see on cartoons .. those constantly bickering creatures with funny features and squeeky voices that duel constantly on saturday mornings well suddenly i almost find myself attracted to you, you have this...air about you, i can't believe we were ever on the wrong foot(wrong leg...hell wrong body for that matter), i think that well actually no i truly truly hope that we could be friends, better friends that is, some day, that we could be those close friends i always wished i could be like back when i was 10 and eleven but now it seems like i found someone i could be that close to and it's you and isn't that just the most ironic thing you've ever heard? i thought you hated me more than life itself, i thought you would never see me as anything more than an obstacle and now we're both trusting each other - yeah... trusting. i hardly trust anyone anymore...not to sound so depressed and hopeless... i just feel like it's better to hold it all in than let even a trickle out when i see the destruction people can do with that droplet_of_honesty they managed to squeeze out before i got smart. well to you, i really hope ... that things don't fizzle out like usual; we've been flirting .. FLIRTING! the hell is going on, feels like i'm in the twilight_zone where do we go from here i ask to no one in particular?; and then there's him, oh_him ... i love you more than most things.. i've not felt this way about anyone before, as cliche and stupid as that sounds, it's the only way to say it that feels right to me anymore ... there's this feeling when i'm near you and when you speak my name, whisper to me, look my way - and i can't explain it in words at all but it's DIFFERENT than anything else i've ever felt towards anyone. this is ... i have to say it's love where you'd do anything for the person, if push came to shove you would give things up you could never replace .. yeah that's me... but then i question myself, doubt myself, and shove it all back in the drawer from whence it came because honestly i can't fathom me of all people feeling this way for somebody... but i guess i do and i need to accept it ; HEgodihateHIM hasn't contacted me in quite awhile and honestly i truly hope he has gotten a life but i fear he hasn't; soiling my trust wasn't enough for him, no, he spit on me and ran off with my friend because he knew that would hurt me since everything else didn't .. the stalking and threats and assault did not hurt half as much as my friend being swindled by his lies ... and now he's done the same thing to her by spitting in her face and going off with HER friend ... man it's like a line of dominos with him... ; and then there's myself and my career and classes i need to take i have no clue where i want to go or what i want to do but i suppose something artistic .. or writing as english been my best subject thus far .. i just really don't know; and i feel like such a bum, such a waste of space, such a jerk for being such a note in a bottle ... i'm just waiting to be read but by who? i don't really just lay around all the time just waiting to hit shore.. and yet sometimes i feel like i should be doing more. but what? i don't know .. sometimes i wonder what the point is to anything but then i realize you know the points don't matter it's the way you played the game or some such line who's_line_is_it_anyway? *exhale* 030905 what's it to you? who go blather from