i_have Sparticus ruined it. and everything. with my own callous stupidity. i never should have messaged you in the first place. i keep saying ill let you be, and i dont, and make things worse look at ME kill what is beautiful but not dead i am so so sorry. i was wrong i apologize i love you 030825 ... Sintina I have no time for this shit I have had enough with melodrama I have no way of helping- anyone- EVER I have every way of helping, everyone, alwaysl. We all do. It is amazing how little it takes to really help someone. I have every reason to run and hide I have no time for his obsessive behavior I have no time for her comparisons I have time to hang out with you I have always wanted to I have had enough negativity from the ones I love to last me the rest of my life and I am so so so so tired of being the only positive one. The only ray of light. The one they keep saying they can't live without. I am so tired of being the only thing that helps them get through sometimes. I am so tired of everyone being so knee deep in their own freaking depression that I never have time for my own! I have unconditional love for all of them though. I have unlimited forgiveness for his obsessive behavior, her comparisons, your melodrama. I have only been able to throw my real feelings in the face of one person: Matt I have no reason to believe that you care enough about me to stop this shit I have no reason to listen to any of you anymore. I have no reason to try and help, cause it feels like no one listens, or would bother leaving their problems and their selfish obsession with their own pain aside for two seconds to compensate me for all my efforts. I have no time to suffer others suffering I have nothing to do in life but suffer others suffering. I have desire to suffer others suffering I have desire to help everyone all the time I have life I have happiness no matter what you all do to throw yourselves in the pit of despair and try to drag me with you. I have life and health I have so many blessings I have so much to give I have so much to lose I have to only let up my grip on myself for two seconds in the face of all this melodramtic bullshit from all of the people on all sides of me at all times... and then it would be over. I have only to lose myself again, if I do, this time I won't recover. I have only lost myself once. I have only forgotten my faith once. I have been saved a thousand deaths a thousand times by people that love me and support me I have endless patience, it seems I have only lost my patience on the inside and I don't share that loss with others I have always regained the patience I lose on the inside. I have gotten so fed up with acting like I'm still in high school, typing away at my life without really living it. I have no desire to do this again, ever I have lost touch with anything that could make me want to type like this on blather ever again. I have come full circle. I have hope for you. I have hope for us all. I have love for every complete stranger that may come upon this. I have forgiven and forgotten. I have already begone to feel better. I have life. I have love. I am happy. Nothing will take me away again. I have me. 051025 ... nineteen found solid ground, Problems that are problems, and after all they are only problems. I have discovered the sort of messy I am since moving out--really out. rings on the coffee table, bird seeds, papers, books, dust, popcorn in the sink, massage oil missing it's cap. Socks under the couch. Batteries everywhere. I have no friends in Arizona and want none, after seeing everyone walking around on their hind legs like they own the place. polkadots, stripes, banana purses, everbody wants to be clever, funny, cute, smart, likeable. not that I don't. I have garbage bags that smell like lemon. 051025 ... rage got over_it 051026 ... vernon love deja vu! or vu deja, really. i once had a lemon that smelled like a garbage bag! 051026 ... . a terrible secret. I can't share it. I won't use it. You don't suspect it. But I cannot remove it. Even though you'll never know, it is with me every minute of every day, a little spot of acid eating at my soul. You would hate_me for it, even though you love_me now, just because it's there. You would hate me, and the only thing that could be worse is if you didn't. 100120 what's it to you? who go blather from