Dafremen Estimado Ladrone,

Welcome to our car.

If this is your first visit, you'll notice that the doors are unlocked. If you find that going through a window even when the doors are unlocked helps to keep and hone your theivin' skills, please know that we understand and have provided a "like-glass" clear plastic access window (the one to which this note is taped) for your safety and convenience.

Speaking of your convenience, let's look at this dented, 25 year old beauty and decide whether or not she's REALLY worth your very valuable time (and I mean that sincerely, just ask the guy who busted out this window to get nothing, then ask the guy who wants to charge me $150 to replace it), shall we?

The car's empty. Everything's been removed except the ashtrays, and I've had those welded shut to keep my kids from hiding their used gum in them. It's just a coincidental side effect that it also makes them about worthless to sell.

Ditto with all of the other easily removable hardware which has all been red Loc-Tite remounted, had the screws replaced with ones having unidirectional heads or ones which have had the heads bored out with my trusty drill (which I don't keep here..or anywhere near here.)

The stereo which you are about to feast your eyes on (if you can see in the dark or have brought a flashlight with you...more about that in a second) is none other than the infamous, heavily in-dash mounted, Delco AM/FM Hi-Fi Quadraphonic stereo. Not sure on the specs, but I bet it pumps out a cool 40 watts of raw, tinny power..IF you don't mind the festive, noisemaker-like distortion caused by sun damage and water (and Koolaid and frijole and melted purple glittery lipgloss (aka lipstick unless Dad asks them)) that has seeped into those mighty 8" cones over the course of these oh-so-wonderful 3 years with our family of 6.

Enough about us though..back to the car:

The engine's control box has been remounted and made removable. It has been removed. Feel free to look for yourself, but need I remind you of how valuable your time is?

The battery has been taken out and by the time you've removed my air filter, alternator, power steering pump or anything else under the hood, the neighbor's German shepherd (having claimed my yard as his own) will have been alternating between sniffing your @$$ and nipping at your balls, for at least five minutes (it's not as pleasant as it sounds, trust me.)

I have two wheel covers left which I put on the missus' side, so that she can hold her head up when we're out and about (we call it the "reversible car"..downtown mode we park with the passenger side out so that the wheel covers show, ghetto mode we park with the driver side out, wheel covers to the curb. Heheh..oh yea, your time! I'm sorry, where was I?) Ok, so the wheel covers are dinged to hell and scratched from all of the "curb feeling" sessions (translation: the missus being a lady and I being a bit of a gentleman when the mood hits me; I did it, not her. Wink wink...nudge nudge) during "my" infinitely frustrating, emotionally draining, ONGOING battle with parallel parking (from the PASSENGER SEAT no get the picture.) So the wheel covers are ALSO pretty much a no-go when it comes to cash value.

Like I said from the start, as attractive as I KNOW this old clunker must have looked from the street, she's only going to prove to be an enormous waste of your time, which I really imagine is better spent on fatter pickins elsewhere. With all of the risk, skill and time that you've invested in your chosen profession, you deserve better than my car, SERIOUSLY. After a hard day of smashin' windows and jackin' sh*t, the LAST thing you need is to come up emptyhanded or BITTEN and emptyhanded, right?

Well, anyhow, I meant to be helpful and truly hope that, in some way, this information has saved you some time and trouble. I suppose that if you would have stopped reading before you reached this part of the note, you could have saved MORE time, but thanks all the same for being good enough to finish reading it.

Thanks again, and good luck,

A very poor man with lots of kids who wishes you the best.

P.S. Have you tried my other neighbor across the street? He has a really nice, black truck with one of those cheap alarm systems. Happy hunting!

P.P.S. If you really gotta jack SOMETHING, just ANYTHING from my ride, (like as a matter of professional pride or something) there's prolly some change and assorted Burger King and McDonald's toys under the back seat (along with other, less pleasant, even stickier surprises..seems the kids found another place to stash their used gum) and I THINK that I might have dropped a quarter under my seat, in that really hard-to-reach spot in the corner. Driver's side, I believe. Have a look, if you really must. (No light though. The battery...remember? Sorry do0d.)
what's it to you?
who go