a_fitting_goodbye unhinged as much as i miss you, i can't bring myself to dial the phone. it's been a long dragged out ending between us and i feel like the last time we were together would be a good place to stop. because we were all so happy that night, the three of us. we were sitting in bw3s downtown drinking tequila and beer. we both couldn't stand to be in that town without seeing you. i made her dial your number because i figured you would be more likely to answer. but the likelihood of that still being slim, neither one of us was very suprised when you didn't pick up. disappointed maybe, but not surprised. one of my old roommates walked in and chatted with me for a bit. we drank another beer. i begged her to call you again and eventually wore her out. you picked up and talked to her; we wanted you to come out but you were watching the kid and the car was busted so you talked us into coming over your place and bringing the beer. when we got in the vicinity, she called you back for exact directions. i looked up and you were standing in the street in your standard wife beater and jeans and right after i said 'there he is in the middle of the street' you said approximately the same thing to her over the phone. we parked in the street and you ran in the house. we wandered in the house and noticed the kid laying on the floor watching harry potter. i felt guilty coming over to drink with you and the kid still being awake. it was already 11pm. you should have just put him to bed anyways; 5 year olds don't need to be up that late. i scanned the small house for you and it quickly became apparent that you were in the bathroom. i knocked on the door and you yelled at me to hold on; it sounded like you were talking to someone on the phone. eventually you came out with the usual shit-eating grin on your face. 'i just called mr. papa . he lives literally like two minutes away.' you stared right at me challenging me and my heart stopped. why did you have to go sticking your nose in shit that you didn't know about? you were lucky the kid was still awake. you took the beer and stuck it in the fridge. you looked around for some cards but couldn't find any so we just played drunk hangman instead. the three of us killed the twelve pack in under two hours. eventually, you put the kid to bed. you were walking around the kitchen looking for something and i asked you why you never called me back. i got up from the table and stood in front of you asking why you never called me back. you were looking at your feet and glanced up at me but all you would say is 'i can't' and i knew why. 'it doesn't need to be like that you know.' and i sat back down. that's what friends do for each other dude; help to carry the load when it gets too heavy. but we are more the same than you know; i never told you much either cause i didn't want you to worry. we protected each other from ourselves and gave each other hugs to keep going. talking wasn't our style. you had called sam back and tried to get me to talk to him; i could have killed you dude. i came to your house to see you; i wasn't ready to see him again. some things take years to get over. ya know? john came by and we listened to the album. and you smiled profusely and the three of us rolled around on the bed. after an unanswered phone call from my parents, we decided it was time to go. you walked us to the car and tried to make a move on her. when she shot you down you ran back to the house. 'so you are gonna walk away without giving me a hug?' and you started walking back towards the car 'i'll show you a hug' and it was like we used to. when i tried to pull away, and you pulled me in closer. and when we drove away that night, even though you were happy to see us, we both knew you were definitely not happy. you can't hide stuff like that from your real friends dude. smiles can't hide deep hurt in your eyes. and like the other time i came to that house to visit you, it felt like a definite end, even more ending than the first time. and that's how i want to remember you; pissing me off by being a prick, listening to your music, you showing it to me like a proud kid shows his mom a picture he made for her in art class, and you giving me a hug that made it all better. so maybe this is where i finally let_go and say goodbye. maybe. i'm having a hard time dialing the phone. 050126 ... unhinged i tried to email you today but the only address i have has a permanent fatal error 050508 what's it to you? who go blather from