misstree i keep wondering why i find myself here, if i should feel bad about it, if i *do* feel bad. and then i remember why.

so many delicious things have i rubbed against in this town, but so many of them almost, or nearly, or passed through like a snippet of dream. and even those are thinning. i at least need to find something worth tumbling, and soon, or i swear i'll start kicking puppies. *and* hanging kittens. but that whole *worth* word, that's what makes it hard.

am i being too harsh on people? i don't think so. an' it's not me being cocky, either. it's just this light that's either in people's eyes or not, a tingling at the top and bottom of my spine or not. without that, it's worse than just meat, it's yawning in church, it's badly written cliff's notes, it's thanksgiving tofurkey. just not worth it.

and somehow, enough of my Self and spirituality got wrapped up in it that i won't settle for fast food, not even if it means a couple quick orgasms that i didn't have to give myself. okay, i will settle for that on occasion, but that's just because some of the ones without the spark are good gropers. but even in those cases, there's no consumation, no consumption, no release.

and *that* is why i am (reduced to?) prowling on a dating site.

rants at herself.
oren Well said. 051126
Lemon_Soda Don't feel bad.

Your looking for something.

how can you look for something if you don't "look"?

Incidentally...what are you looking for?
minnesota_chris I hope I find misstree on a dating site 051130
misstree ya flatter me, chris. but thankyou.

and, lovely lemon, therein lies the question.

been feeling a bit lost lately... finally have some remnants of stability, finding a quite bit of entertainment through local chaos and scenes, and my id loses itself and i'm finally starting to understand the reason for the hush... listen to yerself... i'm at a cusp and trying not to look at it because i still can't see past the hill... i think i see a few trails through the brush but i can't be sure what will end in thorns or what will lead me to loop back, and any take a fair amount o' picking through deep forest...

and so what i'm looking for isn't neccesarily to be found on a dating site... but i very much feel the gap in lack of companionship of that realm, be it sex or sleeping next to someone or hunting with someone... so i'm looking for a body pillow with a brain.

there's something else, though, that i need. something that i hunger for through this interaction. i am sifting through likelies looking for a certain sparkle, a style, a uniqueness that leaves me staring at them, thoughts paused in some form of wonder or elation or grinning collusion. i want someone with flair, with confidence but light. the kind of body pillow i need is not quite the physical.

but mayhaps it is that i need to finish coming over this hill before i find such a thing. it would probably be for the better. but some pleasant distractions, some times well spent, that could be enough to deal with. (another_story should soon contain the flecks of memory from a recent night.)

but there's also one more thing, and i hate to admit it, but it's something that needs to be banished, so gone. haunted by the ghost of my last, i can feel the weight from where it hangs at the base of my neck, i can hear its voice when i am deep inside conversing with myself.

banishing that is very high on the list. and putting a few miles between me and it will help. another reason to stay to light fare for a while; i know that that ghost drives my desire for a new whirlwind. a very useful forgetting tool; but forgetting is not what is proper.

so, looking for entertainment. what else is new?
misstree it was nice to be gentle, for a day. to pull in reigns and not feel the loss. it was nice to be wanted. to forget what i have been mourning for so long, if only for a little while. and to be special to someone, to gift them with tender touches and smiles.

and now i listen through the whispering winds for doom or joy. you never know what to expect.
misstree i wonder if i will be a one date wonder.
having a date and never returning is both appealing and horrifying.
i want someone where it isn't dates, it's occasions for coexistence.
what's it to you?
who go