too_happy Sintina Why does everyone accuse of it? In my short time here I have heard that I am "exuburent" "too happy" and I even had the gall to call myself "perfectly happy" What the hell is wrong with me?! I'm sorry I'm a hypocrite! I'm sorry I tell you not to hide your true self! Because I hide who I am all the time! I am screaming. I am crying. I am trying to make a life for myself, trying to do what I want to do and not be forced into a life because it is practical or money-making. I am trying to be myself and failing miserably. I am constantly acting so happy. Because if for a moment just one moment... I am sad, Then they are sad. I am mad, Then they are mad. They depend on me. I am the one that holds them up. But no one holds me up DAMN IT!!! The day before yesterday, me and Matt had a minor disagreement about I don't remember what. But when I got off the phone with him I lied in the middle of the kitchen floor and screamed and screamed and screamed, I beat my fists and tore off my clothes and screamed in the center of my living room in my underwear hoping someone would hear me. I screamed so loud and cried so long that I can't talk today and I couldn't sing at drama practice last night. I cry so much lately. But I do it when no one can see. I do it where no one can know that I am not always happy. No one can know that I can't always handle all their problems by myself. No one can know that I CAN'T hold the world on my shoulders!!!! But I do. I go out into the screaming crying world and look at my mother in pain and my boyfriend in pain and I make it better. I make their days better. I take it all away from them and make it better. They resist, they resist so often, but I do it anyway. But sometimes... (more often with mom then with Matt)... sometimes I don't make it better, I make it worse. And those, THOSE are the terrible days like today. THOSE are the days where I let my frustration out on mommy and I say mean things and I cry and cry trying to apologize and tell her I didn't mean it and then she tells me she doesn't want to hear it and that she doesn't believe a word I say. And I sit in the center of the parking lot behind one of the buildings at JSU and sit with my legs crossed and stare at the pavement beneath me, playing with some of the little pebbles. And I don't cry because someone might see me. And I just sit there wishing she would let me apologize when I do something stupid or say something stupid. She never lets me apologize she just takes it, feels the pain I inflicted on her and goes away, shoving me out of the car for fear that I will hurt her again. God, I love her SO MUCH!!! She is the most wonderful woman in the world, but it's TOO MUCH!!! I can't hold it all! I'm 18 years old and I have to pay most of the bills in our house because she doesn't make enough money!!!! I have to work 40 hour weeks at a job I LOATHE and keep doing it and doing it because if I don't we won't be able to get our own land and our own life!!! I have to make the money. I have to sign the mortgage. I signed it yesterday. I HAVE NO CHOICE but to work and work and work. And I HATE my work SOOO much!! I'm 18 years old and in college. I should be having fun. Having LOTS of fun. I should be able to go to a football game, or at least on a date with my own boyfriend!!! But no, I have bills to pay, I have to make money, I have to go to work. But I don't do it for the same reason most of my peers do (because I know most of them HAVE to work too), they are doing it to stay in college and to pay their rent in the dorm. BUT NOT ME!!! I got a full scholarship, I don't have to pay for college... BUT I STILL SLAVE AT A PLACE I HATE!!! I have to be too happy. If for a moment I am sad, I ruin their days. I can't ruin their days, I can't stand for them to be sad. I'm so much better at being sad then they are. I have to take care of them. I'm 18 and I have to take care of them. I HAVE TO BE HAPPY. :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) 010123 ... Sintina Why does everyone accuse me of it? In my short time here I have heard that I am "exuburent" "too happy" and I even had the gall to call myself "perfectly happy" What the hell is wrong with me?! I'm sorry I'm a hypocrite! I'm sorry I tell you not to hide your true self! Because I hide who I am all the time! I am screaming. I am crying. I am trying to make a life for myself, trying to do what I want to do and not be forced into a life because it is practical or money-making. I am trying to be myself and failing miserably. I am constantly acting so happy. Because if for a moment just one moment... I am sad, Then they are sad. I am mad, Then they are mad. They depend on me. I am the one that holds them up. But no one holds me up DAMN IT!!! The day before yesterday, me and Matt had a minor disagreement about I don't remember what. But when I got off the phone with him I lied in the middle of the kitchen floor and screamed and screamed and screamed, I beat my fists and tore off my clothes and screamed in the center of my living room in my underwear hoping someone would hear me. I screamed so loud and cried so long that I can't talk today and I couldn't sing at drama practice last night. I cry so much lately. But I do it when no one can see. I do it where no one can know that I am not always happy. No one can know that I can't always handle all their problems by myself. No one can know that I CAN'T hold the world on my shoulders!!!! But I do. I go out into the screaming crying world and look at my mother in pain and my boyfriend in pain and I make it better. I make their days better. I take it all away from them and make it better. They resist, they resist so often, but I do it anyway. But sometimes... (more often with mom then with Matt)... sometimes I don't make it better, I make it worse. And those, THOSE are the terrible days like today. THOSE are the days where I let my frustration out on mommy and I say mean things and I cry and cry trying to apologize and tell her I didn't mean it and then she tells me she doesn't want to hear it and that she doesn't believe a word I say. And I sit in the center of the parking lot behind one of the buildings at JSU and sit with my legs crossed and stare at the pavement beneath me, playing with some of the little pebbles. And I don't cry because someone might see me. And I just sit there wishing she would let me apologize when I do something stupid or say something stupid. She never lets me apologize she just takes it, feels the pain I inflicted on her and goes away, shoving me out of the car for fear that I will hurt her again. God, I love her SO MUCH!!! She is the most wonderful woman in the world, but it's TOO MUCH!!! I can't hold it all! I'm 18 years old and I have to pay most of the bills in our house because she doesn't make enough money!!!! I have to work 40 hour weeks at a job I LOATHE and keep doing it and doing it because if I don't we won't be able to get our own land and our own life!!! I have to make the money. I have to sign the mortgage. I signed it yesterday. I HAVE NO CHOICE but to work and work and work. And I HATE my work SOOO much!! I'm 18 years old and in college. I should be having fun. Having LOTS of fun. I should be able to go to a football game, or at least on a date with my own boyfriend!!! But no, I have bills to pay, I have to make money, I have to go to work. But I don't do it for the same reason most of my peers do (because I know most of them HAVE to work too), they are doing it to stay in college and to pay their rent in the dorm. BUT NOT ME!!! I got a full scholarship, I don't have to pay for college... BUT I STILL SLAVE AT A PLACE I HATE!!! I have to be too happy. If for a moment I am sad, I ruin their days. I can't ruin their days, I can't stand for them to be sad. I'm so much better at being sad then they are. I have to take care of them. I'm 18 and I have to take care of them. I HAVE TO BE HAPPY. :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) :) 010123 ... tourist You sound like You are becoming (like most of us do ) like your mother, at least it sounds like her behavior resembles your own. You are both Martyrs of sorts. You, by hiding your pain from others, Your Mom , by never letting You appologize, bearing the hurt like a saint before the lions. I know that You understand this, I'm just stating the obvious here. But know this also. Most everybody has doubt and pain, many have Love and Loyalty, some have vision and goals, A few even attain them. But none of us HAS to Carry the weight of this world, though it is admirable to try. Be true to Yourself. And if we could get a show of hands I think we would see that the universal concensus is that Work Sucks. Even if you enjoy your job, there will be times when You realise that you're wasting the only thing we have, TIME. Just wanted you to know that it's O.K. You haven't caused any of us to have a Bad Day, or think less of you, for your Human-ness. 010123 ... Sintina **sniffle** Thank you for understanding and sorry I blathed that twice on accident. 010125 ... tourist The long ones take longer to load, It's easy to get impatient. 010126 what's it to you? who go blather from